Shameless

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they

were given by 'im upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

Stay away!

What sounds on Earth could ever replace...

Oi!

..kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon - and me included -

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.

To calm us all down to stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny.

For grinding your axes you shit on our head.

But you pay the taxes.

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history!

Cheaper drugs now!

Had double maths today.

We had to make up our own sums.

Peter Brannigan calculated how many times a bloke will masturbate

during their lifetime.

He didn't use that word though.

Got a detention.

I worked out the total number of days

I spent with Mum before she left. Twice.

Hiya, love.

Came to 1,976.

Made your favourite.

Not great when you consider I've been on the planet for 4,382.

Makes you want to become self-sufficient.

You know, cope with stuff on your own.

Means no-one will ever let you down again.

Oh, and in case you're wondering,

it's 5,783 - the number of times a bloke will, you know.

What they teaching you at school - how to be a twat?

She's been cooking all afternoon.

Didn't ask her to.

She's bending over backwards. Show some respect.

She's trying to impress Dad.

Grow up! They're here to stay, so get used to it.

I'll give them a month.

Stella loves having them here, never seen her so happy.

Sleeping through for the first time ever. Don't fuck it up for her!

DOORBELL RINGS

Hold yer friggin' horses!

Dad found out I'm gay.

I left a porno in the bathroom and he went schizo.

He did that?!

I'm going round there.

No! He's lost the plot.

Didn't Mum do anything?

She wasn't there. She hasn't been for a month.

She's run off with another bloke.

And nobody bothered to tell me? Thanks(!)

I don't want to go back there until he's calmed down.

Stay here for a few days.

Cheers, mate.

You can sleep with me.

Top to tail.

So, how did your dads react when they found out?

What - they don't know?

I'm just waiting for the right moment, you know.

There's no point telling him any more.

What do you mean?

We're seeing each other.

Fuck me! So you're bi?

Just found the right person.

Oi, greedy arse, you going to pass that or what?

I didn't hear your dad come in.

He didn't.

So who's that for? Me.

No, you don't. It's illegal.

You can't tell me what to do.

What is it with you, Liam? Do you know what?

Don't bother speaking at all

if you're going to be a cheeky little prick.

'Night, love.

Now, that's what I call service!

I'll be wanting some money off this. Got a dint in it.

Yeah, I know. I saw you do it. Full price.

10p cheaper at Cost Chopper.

Piss off to Cost Chopper, then!

I'll be buying me girls' condoms elsewhere an' all!

You're going to have to stop

taking your sexual frustration out on customers.

Jamie still making the earth move?

Yeah, I've got a great sex life, thanks.

Really - so when did you last come?

How many times, Joe? It's over.

You're doing my fucking head in. This is getting sorted out.

It's already sorted.

I'm with the bloke that I want to be with.

Yeah? Deal with it.

Right.

I will!

Morning, love.

Made any friends at big school?

You're welcome to invite them back.

As long as they aren't gingas.

What about your breakfast?

I'm all right.

I'm worried about him.

Worry's like a rocking chair -

gives you something to do but never fucking gets you anywhere.

Needs his cherry popping.

I think it's obvious what his behaviour's signifying.

He needs mothering.

Have to bloody find her first.

Bit early, innit?

I'm still in a bit of pain.

You need to be discreet to survive around here.

Anyone finds out you're a mincer, your life won't be worth living.

So just follow my lead,

and if a bloke catches you perving...

What you looking at, faggot?!

..there's only one way out of it.

I don't know, but you're looking at a Maguire.

Bruce!

I don't know what you bothered changing the locks for.

He'll never want to step foot in here again!

So he thought he'd come crawling to you?

He couldn't exactly get very far!

You haven't got a bloody clue what things have been like.

Turning your back on your son!

He smokes that shit from the minute he wakes up...

Oh, right, so you chucked him out for being a stoner.

He needed a wake-up call, the loser!

Coward! You're just making up excuses

to cover up for the fact that you threw him out because he's gay.

Bruce is what?

Pathetic! I'm glad Mum's seen the light.

She should've left you years ago. What - you going to give me a crack as well?

What the fuck has he been telling you?

I'm going to call the police.

He's probably at Homework Club.

It's nearly ten!

He could be at a friend's.

I don't like this, he's not been himself.

Oh, cheers, great welcome.

Liam's not home from school yet.

Probably run off - wouldn't be the first time.

I knew a lad who ran away to London once.

Ended up living in the slums, forced into a life of crime.

That'll be Oliver Twist.

He'll be back when he wants feeding.

You ever thought of entering Father Of The Year(?)

You read about all sorts. Anything could've happened.

You are a little ray of sunshine, Patty.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, thank God!

We thought you were heading somewhere exotic.

So where've you been?

Out.

I thought we could go into town on Saturday. Just you and me.

Who's she?

Wayne Dobson's little sister.

Thought you two could play.

I'm 11!

No, I mean go and...

"play".

Would you like me to read you a bedtime story?

So, were you in the army?

RAF.

What plane did you fly?

Spitfire.

What was the name of your squadron?

This is worse than the bloody Gestapo.

Your school said it'd only take half hour.

I don't want to do this any more than you do -

I wanted someone from World War I, but they're all dead.

Stupid bloody soldiers and stupid bloody wars.

"We make war that we may live in peace."

Aristotle.

Be lot less bother if people actually talked,

told each other what was wrong.

Like Churchill said, "Less war war, more jaw jaw."

Piss off if you're going.

How long've you got?

I said piss off.

You've done this before.

I'm surrounded by cabbages at home.

I'd better go.

Your teacher said you'd fail this module

if you didn't get this assignment in.

Come tomorrow, huh?

Let yourself in. Any time.

Do you ever get any gay boys in here?

Only the ones who like hospital food.

What you drinking?

Better have a pint.

Two pints, please, Karen.

Straight enough for you?

You don't have to go overboard.

Mam, this is Bruce, Maxine's brother. He's staying with us.

About time we had a bit of eye candy round here, aye, Karen?

Mimi Maguire.

Oh, Katie's nana?