Call Your Mother

Come on. Turn around.

You were one minute away.

How are you six minutes away now?

Morning. Who are you yelling at?

I ordered a ride-share 30 minutes ago,

but Christine S. keeps turning left.

I don't know what's happening.

You have a very low passenger rating.

Two out of five stars?!

What'd you do, Jean?

I don't know. I'm a very good passenger.

I make conversation, I help with directions,

and I always sit in front

so we can have a face-to-face conversation

when I talk politics.

Run, Christine S., run!

Oh! I think she heard you. She dropped me.

Where are you trying to go?

The grocery store.

I asked Freddie to take me, but he said he had

such a good parking spot, he didn't want to give it up.

And then I called Jackie to drive me,

but she said she drove me three times last week

and her carbon footprint was getting too big.

Hmm. Look, you've been here a few weeks now,

and Los Angeles is really not a town you can be without a car.

I mean, people become afraid to answer your calls.

I mean, I'm sexually attracted to you,

and even I don't pick up sometimes.

Yeah, I live across the courtyard.

I can hear your phone ring.Ah.

And see you turn your lights off.

Hmm. Look, don't you have a job starting soon?

I mean, what's your plan now?

Oh, I thought you and I could carpool.

I work from home, Jean.

So we'll drop you off first.

Jean...

it's time.

I remember when you guys first got your licenses,

and I didn't get to drive you to school anymore.

I missed our time together in the car.

Now when I get my own car,

you're gonna miss your time with me.

The blue one's nice.

Hey, where does she sign?!

Okay, everybody calm down.

We are not making any emotional purchases today.

Which is why I'm doing the talking

when the salesman gets here.

I worked on a car lot when I was 18.

I speak their language.

Also, let's not dance around it,

I'm the best-looking of the bunch.

Okay, Cookie, we'll take our cues from you,

but I'm gonna do my part.

These babies still have a little gas in the tank.

Ugh.

It means a lot to me that you guys are here.

You could've been anywhere, but you're here with me.

Well, actually, Celia's in Chicago for two days

at an influencer convention, so I have nothing else to do.

Hmm, actually, I had three vacation days

that were about to expire,

and Lane told me we were going to lunch.

Still, you're here with me.

Hey, wait. If you guys are alone tonight,

you have to come over for dinner.

It hasn't been just the three of us since I came out here.

In fact, it hasn't been just the three of us

since you guys were in high school.

Jackie always had a boyfriend.

And Freddie always had to bring a friend along

when we went to the lake for the summer.

Who eventually became one of Jackie's boyfriends.

I was not prepared to relive this today.

Okay, Bryce, this is our customer.

I hope I can trust you to take care of my girl.

Go ahead Bryce, you got this.

Well, may I suggest this model?

It gets excellent gas mileage

and has the highest safety rating in its class.

Ooh.

What's that?

Oh, that's your multimedia infotainment touchscreen.

Oh, so high-tech.

Play Celine Dion!

That's not how it works.

Oh.

But you can also get it with an optional sunroof.

Does that cost extra?

Eh...a little.

Translation -- a lot.

That's right, I speak your language.

I'll just take the base model.

But not in white because people can't see you when it snows.

Mom, this is Los Angeles. It never snows.

Yeah, and white's nice 'cause it hides the ash from the fires.

Oh, I'll take the white.

I'll track one down for you

and give you a call when I have it.

Oh, I-I can't get it today?

But I start a new job today. How am I gonna get to work?

I call dibs on taking Mother Raines to work!

Oh, shoot, I was gonna offer.

Snooze, you lose, guys.

Good morning, Amy.

I brought you some first-day donuts.

Oh, thank God. I almost had a yogurt.

You're an hour early.

Oh, I went over all my orientation materials.

I got new binders.

And I'm wearing a lipstick called "Success."

Are you ready for your first client?

I've got a client. I've never had a client.

I'm like a lawyer or a prostitute.

I've got a Julia Roberts movie job!

Don't call yourself a prostitute.

College counseling cannot take another controversy.

Oh, okay. Business Amy.

No. Boss Amy.

Got it. Boss Amy.

Your job is to figure out a kid's strength

and get them into college.

But sometimes kids have no strengths.

Oh, as a teacher,

I like to think that all students

have something to offer.

Counterpoint -- meet Connor.

That's my first client?

I can smell the weed through the computer.

May-Maybe I should start with an easy one.

This is an easy one.

You think parents bring their kids to us

when they're Harvard material?

You're lucky this isn't a mug shot.

I believe in you. You can do this.

Unless you can't do it, then I'll fire you.

And don't put up any personal pictures

'cause I don't like looking at people's children

when I'm canning their asses.

-Hi, Mom. -Hi, guys.

What are you doing here?

You invited us to dinner.

Oh, dinner, right.

Oh, I haven't even gone to the market yet.

My first day turned out to be so much more intense

than I thought it was gonna be.

There are two sides to Amy.

And today I met Boss Amy. She doesn't play.

Or give bathroom breaks.

If you have a lot of work to do,

we don't have to do this tonight.

Yeah, we could totally do it next weekend

when Celia's back in town.

Oh, God, no!

I do have a lot of work, but I can multitask.

I'll be fine.

Okay. Should we just order in?

Order in for Family Dinner?

Who am I, Aunt Kim?

Why don't we just go to Hometown Buffet for Thanksgiving

and get a plastic Christmas tree while we're at it?

Are we a family or are we from New York?

Okay, Mom. We know. We'll let you cook.

Oh, good. How about my curried chicken?

I do love your curried chicken.

I-I just need to borrow a few ingredients from Danny.

How about I make my brownies for dessert?

Freddie, it's your turn to be my taste tester.

Ooh, taste tester?

I don't think I've been taste tester since high school.

If you don't want to do it, I --

She just said it was my turn.

Okay, well, if he gets the bowl, I get the spoon.

Oh, yeah, you get the spoon.

How else am I supposed to get the batter out of the bowl,

you idiot?!

Uh, I don't know, use your fingers, turd.

Oh, my babies are home.

I don't need a ride.

Oh.

Hey, how's the career woman?

Oh, spread a little thin. Ah.

I've got about six hours of research to do tonight,

but right now, I've got my babies all to myself,

and I'm gonna make them dinner.

Can I borrow a few odds and ends?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I need three chicken breasts,

an onion, a bag of frozen peas,

anything that might go into a salad,

and a can of coconut milk.

So all you have is a flame and a pan?

Oh, I also need a pan.

Why don't you just order in?

Because I'm not Aunt Kim.

I cook for Family Dinners, and I know my drink limit.

And it's never just the three of us.

And who knows when it's gonna be just the three of us again.