Hayride to Hell

Yum yum.

I love it.

Better than roadkill any day of the week.

Are there any witches on there?

We need a witch to burn.

Do you have any witches?

My sister's a witch.

No, she's a witch.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Come have some.

Me and my friend want to share with you.

We made it on the farm.

It's corn whiskey.

Goes straight to your soul.

Happy hayride!

What?

That's not funny.

Oops. Missed.

Would any of you like to be a target?

I'm just kidding.

It's not even loaded.

Not cool man.

You're missing one thing.

Eye of nute, and your leg!

I lost my head!

I lost my head!

Has anyone seen my head?

Don't be unreasonable, Sam.

We're only doing what's in your best interest.

The bank has to treat all the loans the same.

No matter how long your family's been here.

Oh, you mean the first the pioneers.

My great great grandfather, Cornelius Cox, tilled the soil

with his bare hands when this was nothing but wilderness.

Oh, come on, now, you're being dramatic.

We're only asking you to sell a little piece of land on the

backside of your farm.

You can pay off your bank loan, and we can turn it into

something that the whole community can use.

Oh, well, how would you like it if I carved a few pounds off

your backside?

That lazy ass sits in a chair all day.

I mean, what if I cut out your your liver, your kidneys?

I mean, you wouldn't miss him, right?

It's just a pound of flesh.

This farm has been in my family for generations, and I will not

sell a single acre to you or anyone else.

The bank will be forced to call in the loan if you can't make

any more payments.

Well guess what?

This year the hayride is going pretty good, so by the end of

the season, we should have more than enough money to pay off

the damn bank loan.

So we're just wasting our time.

We're not done here.

Well, I am.

I have people outside here who appreciate what I'm doing for

this community.

Close the door on your way out.

Oh, no. I know what it says.

Um, well, I got it now.

What?

I don't need one now. I'm good at this.

All right, all right.

Hey.

Hey, everybody. Howdy.

Wait a minute. I got another one.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father-in-law.

Hey, I will cut out your spleen with an ice cream scoop!

This is a little,

This is a little dangerous up here.

What do you call a single vampire?

- Sam. - A bachelor.

Stupid fool.

Sam doesn't realize how deep of a hole he's in.

Hole?

It's more like he dug his own grave.

When he defaults on that loan, we're going to get the whole

freaking farm.

He's his own worst enemy.

Well tell us, Sam, why can't warlocks impale me?

Well, they have halloweeners and crystal balls.

Hey, we got a million of them.

We'll pay you to stop telling them.

No, no, no, no.

Spend your money to support the farm.

Go over and buy some pumpkins.

Candy apples.

My cousin's apple pie.

And in fact, today we have a special on pirate corn.

Pirate corn? How much is it selling for?

It's a buccaneer.

Hey!

Thank you. I'm here til Tuesday.

Don't forget to tip the help.

Thank you so much.

Hello.

It's me.

Pumpkin Klaus.

Hello.

Alright! Pumpkin Klaus!

How do we have any good boys and girls?

Why they're all good.

Well then let's hand these out.

Alright.

Here we go.

Yes. There's one for you.

Here you go.

Here's a little.

One for you.

Thank you so much.

One for you.

No wonder he's broke.

Jesus.

He's just giving them away.

Like I said, he's his own worst enemy.

Oh, Sam, this is so great.

We look forward to this every year.

Yeah, Sam, it's not Halloween until the hayride.

Well, I appreciate you being here.

And don't forget to get an apple pie before they sell out.

All by two.

You hear that, Hazel?

Two apple pies for this lovely lady.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You know, supporting local

business is how farmers like me survive.

So thank you for that.

Of course.

I come to your vegetable stand year round.

I think that farm fresh tastes way better than supermarket.

All right, well.

I do appreciate that.

And here's your change.

You know.

Hazel, why don't you give these fine folks whatever they want

to drink on the house?

Oh, Sam, you really don't have to do that.

We can pay.

No, no, no, you guys have bought those two apple pies.

That's great.

So anyway, I got to go.

Thanks again.

So what'll it be?

I'm sure going to miss this.

Miss what?

Sugartown scared the whole thing.

I've been coming here since I was a kid.

What? Nothing's going anywhere.

I heard a rumor that the county's shutting it all down.

No more hayride, no more Pumpkin Claus.

Bullshit!

Look, Farmer Sam is my uncle, okay?

I'd certainly know if anything like that was going to happen.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

I mean, our family needs this

hayride to keep the farm afloat.

It's a little tough to be paying bills when tomatoes are

only two bucks a pound.

That's a lot of freaking tomatoes.

That's for damn sure.

And fertilizer is 685 a ton.

Oh, here, have some cider.

Oh. Thank you.

Are you having a good time tonight?

- Yeah, of course. - Absolutely.

Did you catch me and Lester, by the way?

You bet.

Yeah, yeah.

Buccaneer.

Uh oh.

Here comes trouble.

Well, if it isn't Sheriff Jubal and Deputy Dimwit.

So have you guys caught the shithead kids who broke into my

barn, or are you just going to let your son vandalize my

entire property before you make him your new deputy?

Well, you're replacing me.

No. Good ol Sam here fancies himself a comedian just because

his family was first to settle in this area.

He thinks he owns a whole goddamn place.

But a little birdie told me that pretty soon you might not

own shit. Bank problems.

You ever heard of a sheriff sale?

I have, and boy, are they fun.

You know, now is not the time, Jubal.

The commissioner has forced me to hire you and your deputy for

traffic control at overtime wages, I might add.

So why don't you two go control some traffic and leave me and

the real public servants at peace.

Oh, and have yourself a nice hot cider.

Of course, you're going to have to pay for it yourself.

Your cider tastes like ass.

Well, you should know.

Traffic control.

Traffic control.

Hey, what's this I hear about