I Hate Suzie

Any home should feel safe

and warm and supportive.

EBG.

Everything is home.

Okay, can you try the top and bottom again,

but even warmer?

Uh, yeah. Sure.

It's just... Yeah.

Here at EBG...

... we don't just take care of your phone.

Now we provide your electricity, heating and gas.

EBG. Everything is home.

Yeah. Have you got any more warm? Like, uh, like, super warm?

Yeah. I mean, I could try.

This is a bit like 'Toast of London' this, isn't it?

- It's like what? - 'Toast'.

- What? - 'Toast'.

Toast?

'Toast'. You... Don't worry about it.

It's... It's like toast?

It's a television program.

I don't have time to watch television anymore.

Oh, shit. I forgot to call the school.

- Can you just do one while I'm...? Yeah.

Okay. So...

I mean, um...

Am I really not warm enough?

I feel like I'm, like... porn panting.

Is...

I mean, is she for real?

Like, I am widely recognised for my warmth.

I mean, I have...

I've won National Television Awards for my warmth.

You're sad. - You know that. I'm sad?

There's a sadness in your voice.

- Oh. Sorry. - Okay.

Imagine you're a god.

It's always the same.

The text is "Buy this",

the subtext, "And you're never going to die". Okay?

- Okay. - Do one like that and we can go home.

- Okay. - Go.

Okay.

Ready? (INHALES DEEPLY)

Any home should feel safe

and warm

and supportive.

EBG.

Everything's home.

There you go. Good.

EBG.

Everything is home...

... safe, warm, supportive.

- Good? Good.

When I was young, I would run a voiceover in my own head.

I dunno, maybe I'd watched too many 'Wonder Years'.

But it's comforting, a voiceover.

- Who's fucking touched it, then? It wasn't me!

So I have, have I?!

Telling a story about yourself.

Being the main character.

The only way to stay sane

is to string all the shit that happens in your life together

into a story you can live with.

Leave me alone! Don't touch it!

If you can talk about yourself from the future,

you must've processed it, survived.

Nothing can hurt you with a voiceover.

And by imagining I was the main character, I became one.

Things did start happening.

I was special.

Okay, let's go again. - 56. Take 3.

Everyone was looking at me.

The photos are in the papers.

Now I've finally lost my mind,

they can legally print me sucking a dick.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe I am insane.

Maybe I'm a monster.

Everything just comes to you, doesn't it?

You want what you want when you want it

and if you don't get exactly that thing, that's it.

You lose your shit.

Oh, you're going to... Are you gonna film me?

- Open the door, mate! Open the door! - _

Open the door! Ow!

(SOUND OF SUZIE ATTEMPTING TO OPEN THE DOOR)

Open... the... door!

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh, God. Here's Naomi.

She's going to talk

and totally ignore all the shit that happened between us.

Hello.

Can you believe they blurred the cock? They pixellated his dick.

Dixellated. That's so... It's, like, you think that's offensive?

Here she goes.

It's fucking scandalous. They love it!

They're saying legally they can print it now

because you dragged it into the public arena

with that video of you shouting at that car.

I guess you want me to cancel the hospital visit later?

With the kid?

What? No, no, no, no. We can't do that. What if he dies?

Well, he definitely is gonna die, Suze. That's the point.

Yeah, well, join the club.

Sorry, I didn't... I didn't... I didn't mean that.

I'll cancel.

No, no, no, don't cancel it because I'll just feel like a right cunt.

I'll come with you.

Nay, do you... do you think we should have a proper chat?

Yeah. I'm just doing work stuff now.

Don't forget to pick up painkillers. You're due on.

I know it sounds mental, but last month, we were... in sync.

So, we've finally fully... merged.

Oh!

Okay.

- See you there, then. - Okay.

Come in!

My mum used to clean for Naomi's dad.

Naomi's mum was dead.

Go on! Play!

And the house was like a grave.

It was very white and marble, or fake marble.

She lived in a cul-de-sac in Caversham,

but I was from Northcote.

And Caversham was where people with two cars lived.

Anyway, one time,

my mum found all these knickers in the bin with blood on them.

And immediately she was asking questions.

I can't say what it's like to have your wife die,

but... I don't think it'd make you like that.

Always thinking the worst.

Such a cold man.

Particularly about men.

What did you find then?

Private things.

This is a job for you.

So I had a mission.

Do you ever get blood in your knickers?

Why? Do you?

Yeah. That's what a period is.

Naomi had been taking her dead mum's tampons

from the cupboard in the toilet,

but she didn't know how to use them.

So she was just putting them in her knickers

like you would a sanitary towel.

So there's blood on her pants,

but she doesn't want her dad to see,

so she throws them away in the bin, which is fine.

Until a few months in, when she runs out of knickers.

She started coming round all the time.

My mum preferred it when there were lots of people around.

- Can I not make a phone call? - I want to ask a question.

Okay, ask away! Ask who I'm with and where I'm going.

- What I'm doing. - Oh!

And when everything happened to me...

No, when I... did everything I did...

That's my girl! That's my girl!

... Nay was there.

Part of it.

- That's the one we changed? - That's the one we changed.

- Are you happy? - Uh, yeah, think so.

It's all as discussed.

Yeah, happy, happy, happy.

Right. Just... just sign.

Let's make you a star.

Here we go. That's that one.

Can I see?

Fantastic!

We were in sync.

Naomi has a lot of theories.

They're short, and it is, honestly, and I'm not

just this saying this 'cause I'm Middle Eastern, it's extraordinary.

She consumes theories like I did food in my 20s.

Bingeing on them all

and then me vomming them back up to feel in control.

Ahhh.

And it works.

For a while.