The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Ow!

Dear almighty Jesus,

what the hell happened to him?

Another after-school beating?

Paramedics said it's a hangover.

But that'd be the worst hangover I ever seen.

Remember our deal, dude.

If you die, I get your laptop.

- I'm pullin' for you, bro. - My God, we're losing him.

His beeping just went through the floor.

My bad.

He's coding!

- Everybody, clear! - Wait!

I can save him.

RJ, tell me where it hurts.

I'll kiss it

and make it all better.

Aah!

Oh!

My name is RJ berger,

and both my life and my sheets

are a mess.

I puked all weekend.

I don't know if it was the vodka

or the memory of rubbing beard stubble with Lily,

but kissing that girl

is like tugging it to a nature documentary.

Dude, easy. My head is killing me.

And this is all your fault, by the way.

Because of you,

I had to clean vomit out of the carpet all Sunday

and didn't have time to study for my geometry test.

Well, that was last weekend.

Wait'll you hear what I got in store for us this weekend.

Miles, no. No more stupid plans.

I don't have time for other people's agendas, miles, I--

oh! Can you watch-- oh.

Watch what?

- Huh? - Sorry, Max.

You're lucky, you three-legged freak.

We're playing Jefferson on Friday.

Can't risk bruising my shooting hand

on that bony little face of yours.

RJ, can I talk to you for a minute?

Absolutely not.

I hope that this weekend's unfortunate

and disgusting mistake hasn't hurt my chances with you.

And I hope that--

Richard Berger,

please report to the principal's office immediately.

Whoa. That didn't sound good.

Relax. I'm sure they just need help

figuring out the phone systems again.

Listen, fatty.

You even think about getting in between me

and that again...

And I'll shake you and watch the gravy pour out.

Lily...

I'm-a tell you something that RJ's too nice to say.

You're never gonna get with that.

'Cause you'll never be that.

We'll see.

RJ, do you know what the only good thing

about being a High School principal is?

You get your summers and weekends free for fishing.

So can you imagine my dismay

when I had to spend my Sunday morning,

my fishing morning, taking irate calls from parents

about a party serving alcohol to minors?

Can you imagine my dismay, Berger?

Can you imagine it?

Imagine it.

And I hope it isn't true.

Because I'd hate to see your good reputation

flushed down the toilet.

Like a snaky turd.

Berger, if this is true,

do you realize what you've done?

You've stolen from me.

You've stolen Sunday morning

when I could have been out fishing.

That's right, Berger, fishing.

Just me and those beautiful fish

waiting to be caught.

What about those fish, Berger?

Bass!

And the trout?

What the hell was that, son?

- What? - Was that drugs?

Did you just pop drugs in my freaking office?

- No, no, no, no, I-- - goddamn drugs!

No! I-I-I swear it was--

it was just drug abuse!

Pinkerton high has a strict zero-tolerance policy on drugs

and that goes double zero tolerance

for taking drugs in a freaking principal's office!

Let's see if you can clean up your act in detention.

Detention?

Pill-popping mo-frikka.

Come on, girls. You call those high kicks?

I want to see some flexibility.

I swear nobody here can even

do a high kick.

Um...Nice.

Yeah, your dad likes that one too.

I want to be a cheerleader.

okay.

So far, so good.

âts you know so well ?

you in my seat, homie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, you in my other seat.

Sorry.

Hey!

I'm sorry. Is this your floor?

Nah.

Yo, ain't you that basehead

who snorted a rail right in front of the principal?

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

Oh, hell yeah!

Yo, hey, I heard about you, dog.

You crazy, homie.

- Well, I-- - hey, yo!

This is that kid who threw that wild party

where all them people died!

Hey, how come you didn't invite me to that party, homie?

Come on. You's a crazy mo-frikka, man.

Yo, I thought you were some ass-kissing pussy

or something, you know what I mean?

Yo, I'm Hamilton.

Uh, I'm RJ Berger.

All right. All right.

Yo, RJ, let's bounce, man.

I want you to meet some of the homies.

Come on.

Um, we--we can-- we can leave detention?

I like you, dog.

Come on. Let's roll.

Hey, yo!

Listen up!

I want you to meet our new homie RJ.

RJ Berger?

Man, ain't you that kid who lit a crack pipe

in haggerty's office?

Yeah, yeah, this is that kid.

Hey, don't let these glasses or these tiny arms fool you.

This cat is crazy.

Knew it.

I knew from looking at you you were crazy.

Hey! Are you serious?

Move that piece of !

Hey, babe, let's just go the other way.

Hey, you better listen to your mommy, pretty boy!

I think I'm gonna like you guys.

I told you.

Plant the seed and an awesome story will bloom.

Every kid in school is scared crapless of you.

Why?

Dude, all I did was take two aspirin.

Listen to me!

I don't ever want to hear those words

come out of your mouth again, all right?

We got a good thing going here, dude.

Don't ruin it by being honest.

Get in.

Come on, homie. Ride with me.

uh, yo, Hamilton!

School is back that way, like, ten minutes ago!

Yeah.

That's why we going this way.

Whoo! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

So much for your geometry test, bro.

Why? Is that a problem, homie?

No, no, no. That's no problem.

- Right, rj? - No, no, no, dude.

No, it's cool. It's just, uh--

you know what I think?

I think he's not hard enough to hang with us.