In Living Color

FOX television proudly presents...

the world's very first condom commercial on network television.

Did you ever notice how I do all these routines?

See, I do the routines about the little kids because I like kids.

But then they start to grow up and become teenagers...

and I don't like them anymore because they're stupid.

They're just stupid. See, my oldest son is stupid.

The other day, I was trying to get into the bathroom...

and he tells me that he won't let me in because he's trying to go.

But every time he tries to go, it feels like his pudding pop is on fire.

Now...

my boy's got back draft going out his boxer shorts.

You see. And, see, it's all because he didn't use any protection!

No protection, see?

This is why I'm endorsing...

the Cosby Condom.

See. The Cosby Condom.

Okay. See, that's why, see...

And they come in a variety of colors...

from the red strawberry to the lemon yellow.

They come in the green grape and the purple passion fruit, see.

And, see, there's even a special...

See, if you get into the box, they give you a special one.

It's what I call the...

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" Condom, see.

So that's why... See, when you're with your woman, see...

and you start whispering, you know, sweet little nothings into the ear...

and it's " farvy, farvies, far-fa-far-far."

See, and now your tongue is going into the ear...

then your wife, Camille's, eyes starts going up into the head...

see, and she starts making those sounds like...

And then she starts making faces like, you know...

And then you feel safe in knowing that you won't get any funky diseases.

And you always will know you won't make any kids...

that will grow up and become stupid!

So before you dip your spoon into the pudding...

make sure you're wearing a Cosby Condom!

Thank you.

Take it from America's most beloved father ...

I'd rather be single.!

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

Friday, see all your favorite stand-up stereotypes...

on H.B.O.'s Tired Comedy Nite.

Meet the insecure girl.

Between Colonel Sanders and the Häagen-Dazs, you know.

I mean, you ever heard of thunder thighs?

I mean, l... I got sonic boom thighs.

My biological clock is ticking so loud... I went out to dinner last night...

and they had to call in the bomb squad.

Or get crazy with the old guy.

The whole world is crazy, man!

Man, women today... women today are crazy, man!

My wife... Y'all don't know my wife...

'cause my wife is crazy, man!

You ever eat cheese doodles?

Cheese doodles are crazy!

Or how about the insights of Mr. Stereotype.!

But you ever check out, like, white people, man, when they're like just typing?

Like, doing the typewriter just...

But, listen, brothers be typing... They be typing with their elbows. They all...

Or you ever check out, like, surgeons? Like, white surgeons...

when they're, like, doing surgery, they're like...

"Pass me the scalpel, please." But let it be some brothers, right?

They'd be like, " Yo, homegirl, pass me the scalpel.

I'm 'bout to cut up some ribs!"

All y'all, check out.

No, hold it. Hold it. Hold yourself, though. Hold yourself.

Hold ... No, see, hold up. Hold up.

White presidents, they go fishing and talking about...

"a thousand points of light," you know what I'm saying?

But let it be a black president, Jack.

See, we be eating the fish, right, talking about...

"Who didn't pay the light bill?"

And who'd want to miss the stupid prop guy?

I'll be back.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

Black ball, white ball...

juggle fever!

Okay, for my last piece...

I would like to demonstrate that I am not only a brilliant stand-up comedian...

I am also a very accomplished escape artist.

Okay!

It's a laugh-o-rama you won't want to miss.!

Sojoin us this Friday, live from the Wacky Doodles Nightclub...

for H.B.O.'s Tired Comedy Nite!

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Fulton Community Film Festival.

Our first film, My Arms Are Too Short To Slap You Upside Your Head...

will begin in five minutes.

This is it, Mama!

After everyone sees my film debut, I'm gonna be a big star.

And they're gonna make a Lil Magic doll...

- with adjustable hair extensions. - Uh, Lil Magic...

We can move out of the projects and into a trailer park...

and get a plastic pool and put it in the front yard.

- Lil Magic... - And you can get the fat sucked out of your butt...

- so it don't look like a bean bag chair no more. - Oh, hush up!

- Sorry, Mama. - Oh, that's my baby...

but you know Mama can't think when you're doing all that talkin'!

I know, Mama!

Now look here. You stay right here, Lil Magic...

and don't let nobody come in this here room.

Don't worry, Mama, I won't. Not even if the most famous producer comes to me and says...

- " Hi! You're the most talented, littlest girl... -

In the whole wide, humongous, 'bubblicious,' 'bufascious'..."

- Hush up! - Sorry, Mama.

Hey, what are you doing over there?

Hi! I'm Lil Magic, Miss Smile Brite, 1987!

- See! - Please. Sit down.

Hi!

You gonna be a star, baby!

[Lil Magic Clapping, Whistling]

Hi! I'm the miracle worker.

You must be little Helen Keller, the blind and deaf girl.

You cannot see nor hear. Come here.

Let me teach you sign language.

Oh, you such a pretty girl.

- And I'll bet you're talented too. - I am!

Now, Lil Magic. How many times I done told you, baby...

you can't talk, you blind.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mama.

S-Sorry.

Now, sit down. I'm gonna teach you how to use a spoon.

Go and sit down, girl.

No!

No!

Maybe she might could use two.

Oh, my!

A blind and deaf girl who can play the spoons...

and sing and dance!

Go, Helen Keller.! Go.!

Swallow the cane, baby. Swallow the cane, Lil Magic.

Wait. You forgot to set it on fire.

Oh! Sorry, Mama.

- - That's it.

That was wonderful!

Guess you were right, Mama. I'm gonna be a big star!

Oh, Mama knows, Lil Magic.

You know, they booed Todd Bridges and J.J. Walker...

when they first started, and look where they at now.

Come on. Let's go celebrate at the Fatburger.

- Can I have the whole hamburger this time? - Oh, hush up!

You better put that down. We are watching. Come on, baby.

He's safe!

Don't look so down, Son. It wasn't your fault.

Yes, it was, Dad.

I played horrible the whole game.

I just wasn't myself.

It looks like your confidence is down. Is there something on your mind?

I don't know. I just don't feel...

- Fresh? - Well, yeah.

It's hard to concentrate when you're worried about masculine hygiene, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, what should I do about it?

- Try these. - Tes-T-Shields?

They're protective linings you put in your cup...

to give you more confidence.

Each Tes-T-Shield is filled with tiny air tunnels...

allowing cool air to circulate throughout your cup.

At the same time, aroma sensors release an exhilarating fragrance...

helping you stay fresh all day.

Wow! Tes-T-Shields does all that?

And more. They even come with wings.

Wings? Well, what for?

Lord knows. But the important thing is, is they're comfortable.

How do you know so much about this?

Son, do you smell that pine tar?

Yeah.

I'm wearing 'em right now.