Fresh Off the Boat

United States vs. China in the World Cup Final.

I'm going to forget all about this in 24 hours,

but right now, this is my world.

We're team USA, right, Tina Pham?

Sure she was born in China,

but this is the only home she's known.

It would be dope if the U.S. won.

You know, finally stick it to another country for once.

Hey, don't discount China.

The way that pitcher used her head

to bounce the ball over the cage?

Resourceful and unexpected.

That's China.

Did you say "pitcher"?

I really don't care who wins this game.

You call this a game?

Where's the hitting?

Where's all the blood, little Liza?

That's why I voted to watch "Cops."

Can you guys keep it down?

All this commotion is distracting Maria from eating.

Cool.

Just add yams to the list of things you won't eat,

which so far is everything but strawberries and crayons.

Honey, pipe down, we can't hear the game.

If this is a game,

then "The English Patient" is a war movie.

It's been 90 minutes and no one has scored!

Oh, come on, let the gals use their hands!

Relax, Marvin. We're in overtime.

This'll be over any second.

And we're going to penalty kicks.

If Brandi Chastain makes this penalty kick,

the U.S. wins.

Chastain places the ball.

It all comes down to this kick.

Goal!

USA wins!

And Chastain falls to her knees in celebration!

What a picture-perfect moment.

Rushing off to do his homework.

He may root for team USA, but his blood runs red.

Hmm, proofreading your dad's poetry again?

If only.

I'm trying to pick an elective for 9th grade.

There's just so many great options...

Photography, Yearbook, Drama...

Ugh. Drama?

Woodshop? Ceramics? Welding?

Are you starting high school or prison?

Let me help you narrow it down.

Thanks!

Good morning!

I was wondering if you have any tips

for getting pureed carrots out of linen?

Maybe finish chewing before you talk?

They're from Maria.

When it comes to food,

she's more of a thrower than an eater.

Mm, like a soccer pitcher.

Eddie, you were supposed to be up 30 minutes ago.

Did you sleep through your alarm again?

Oh, I threw that garbage in the river.

It's so loud.

Anyways, I'm starving.

Where those breakfast dogs at?

I wish Maria would eat like Eddie.

Mealtime is always a battle.

I mean, especially now that I have two kids to wrangle.

I wouldn't know.

Because I have three.

Why don't you trick her with a treat?

Tempt Maria with something she likes,

like strawberries, and then while she's chewing,

shove in a spoonful of beef.

Hmm... I don't know...

Trust me, it works.

I do it all the time with Eddie,

except in reverse.

Watch this.

Thanks, Ma.

See? Now he eats fruit.

Guess who made the front page of the paper?

Our girl Brandi!

Nope!

What's up with Evan?

He just ran off without checking the DOW.

Ohh, I know.

Brandi Chastain in a sports bra?

The way he acted at last night's game?

Evan's got his first case of "the tingles".

"The tingles"?

You know, Little Evan is finally talking to Big Evan.

- Ohh. - Ohh.

Ohh.

Yeah...

I... I have gotta...

I have...

Okay...

Well, it's sooner than we thought,

but I guess it's time to give Evan

my patented talk, "The Talk".

Good. Have fun.

Everything waist-down is your territory.

I made that very clear in our vows.

Hey. Do you still have that "Flowers and Watering Cans" book

lying around somewhere?

You mean the "Birds and the Bees" book

that Principal Hunter gave me?

Yeah, it's for Evan's "tingle talk".

I'm going to pretend like I'm going to read from it,

then discard it in dramatic fashion.

You know, open with a "wow".

Wait.

You're going to give him the exact same talk you gave me?

Do you remember that talk?

Half the reason I came to this country

is so you could have lots of sex.

Stay away from Arkansas,

they outlawed all the fun stuff...

If you pretend like you have a bad back,

you don't have to do so much work.

You can't give Evan that talk.

Why? It was a great talk.

Oh, it was the best talk. You killed it.

But Evan's not chill like me.

He's an innocent little dove.

If you come at him like that, his head might explode.

Hmm. Okay, point taken.

I'll make some adjustments.

You know, Evan it up.

I don't know.

You're going to make it weird for him.

Maybe I should do it.

Evan looks up to me.

I'm kinda like his father figure.

What?

No. I'm his father figure.

You're barely a son figure.

Oh, God, I didn't mean that.

You're a great son.

It's just... it's my job, stay out of it.

Really. You're great.

Solid son.

Notice anything?

Yes. Everything.

What?

No stains!

I tricked Maria using a treat,

and I got her to eat a few bites of chicken.

Your advice was great!

Well, water is wet.

I am beautiful.

Are we just playing a game

in which we say things we already know?

Well, thank you.

I owe you one.

Is that your mother-in-law? What did she say?

Who knows.

She always yells across the house at me

and then gets annoyed when I can't understand her,

and yells again.

It makes it so hard to ignore her twice.

Two more yells

until the stray dogs start barking back.

Still better than my father-in-law,

the gesticulator.

He's like one of those, like, inflatable tube men

at the car wash.

Except a tube man wouldn't punch through

the last self-portrait your Nana ever painted.

Should I take Yearbook or Drama or German?

"Ask again later"?!

Uh... is Emery okay?

He's still trying to choose an elective.

I hope he figures it out soon

because I can't study with all these interruptions.

_

Hot dog!

Now your favorite food is your favorite toy!

Where you going, nerd?!

Sorry, it just rolls off the tongue at this point.

These are my props for "The Talk".

I thought about what you said

and realized that Evan's more of a visual learner.

- Is that a... - A conch shell I painted hair on?

You bet your ass it is.

Okay, I really think all this

is just gonna confuse Evan.

Come on, Eddie.

I thought you were supposed to be chill.

Relax, I got this.

Evan?

Yes, Papa?

Aww...

Oh. Nothing.

I couldn't do it. I don't know what happened! I choked!

Don't worry, Pops.

Eddie's got this.

Yo, Evan. Listen up.