My Fair Lady

Splendid.

Sorry, sir, I've already got one there.

Over here, sir, over here.

Coming through.

Over here, sir.

Make way.

Freddy, oh, it's already very late.

Move it, darn it.

Freddy, go and find a cab.

Do you want me to catch pneumonia?

Watch out, daffy.

He calls me a daffy.

Don't just stand there, Freddy. Go and find a cab.

All right, I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'm getting wet.

I'm so sorry.

Look where you're going, dear. Look where you're going.

I'm so sorry.

Two bunches of violets trod in the mud.

A full day's wages.

Freddy.

Freddy, go and find a cab.

Yes, Mother.

Oh, he's your son, is he?

Well, if you'd done your duty by him as a mother should,

you wouldn't let him spoil a poor girl's flowers

and then run away without paying.

Oh, go about your business, my girl.

And you wouldn't go off without paying either.

Two bunches of violets trod in the mud.

Good heavens.

- Sir, is there any sign of it stopping? - I'm afraid not.

- It's worse than before. - Oh, dear.

If it's worse, it's a sign it's nearly over.

Cheer up, captain. Buy a flower off a poor girl.

I'm sorry, I haven't any change.

Oh, I can change half a crown. Here, take this for tuppence.

I told you, I'm awfully sorry, I haven't--

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yes.

Here's three ha'pence, if that's any use to you.

Thank you, sir.

Here, you be careful. Better give him a flower for it.

There is a bloke here behind that pillar

taking down every blessed word you're saying.

I ain't done nothing wrong by speaking to the gentleman.

I've a right to sell flowers if I keep off the curb.

I'm a respectable girl, so help me.

I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower off me.

- Don't start. - What's all the noise?

There's a tec taking her down.

I'm making an honest living.

Who's doing all that shouting?

- Where is it coming from? - Well...

Oh, sir, don't let him charge me. They don't know what it means to me.

They'll take away me character and drive me on the streets

for speaking to gentlemen.

There, there, there.

Who's hurting you, you silly girl? What you take me for?

On my Bible oath, I never spoke a word.

Shut up. Do I look like a policeman?

Then what did you take down me words for?

How do I know you took me down right?

You just show me what you wrote about me.

Oh.

What's that? That ain't proper writing.

- I can't read it. - I can.

"I say, captain, now buy a flower off a poor girl."

Oh, it's because I called him "captain."

Oh, I meant no harm.

Sir, don't let him lay a charge against me for a word like that.

I'll make no charge.

Really, sir, if you are a detective, you needn't begin protecting me

against molestation from young women until I ask you.

Anyone could tell the girl meant no harm.

He ain't no tec. He's a gentleman.

Look at his boots.

How are all your people down at Selsey?

Who told you my people come from Selsey?

Never mind. They do.

How do you come to be up so far east?

You were born in Lisson Grove.

Oh, what harm is there my leaving Lisson Grove?

It weren't fit for a pig to live in and I had to pay 4 and 6 a week--

Live where you like, but stop that noise.

Come, come, he can't touch you. You've a right to live where you please.

- I'm a good girl, I am. - Yes, yes, yes.

Where do I come from?

Hoxton.

Well, who said I didn't? Blimey, you know everything, you do.

You, sir, do you think you could find me a taxi?

I don't know whether you've noticed, but it's stopped raining.

You can get a motor bus to Hampton Court.

Well, that's where you live, isn't it?

What impertinence.

Hey, tell him where he comes from, you wanna go fortune-telling.

Cheltenham,

Harrow,

Cambridge and, uh, India?

Quite right.

Blimey, he ain't a tec, he's a blooming busybody.

If I may ask, sir, do you do this sort of thing for a living at a music hall?

Well, I have thought of it. Perhaps I will one day.

He's no gentleman. He ain't, to interfere with a poor girl.

How do you do it, may I ask?

Simple phonetics. The science of speech.

That's my profession. Also my hobby.

Anyone can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue,

but I can place a man within six miles.

I can place him within two miles in London.

Sometimes within two streets.

Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward.

Is there a living in that?

Oh, yes, quite a fat one.

Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl--

Woman! Cease this detestable boohooing instantly

or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.

I have a right to be here if I like, same as you.

Woman who utters such disgusting and depressing noises

has no right to be anywhere. No right to live.

Remember that you're a human being with a soul

and the divine gift of articulate speech.

That your native language

is the language of Shakespeare and Milton and the Bible.

Don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon.

Ow!

Look at her A prisoner of the gutters

Condemned by every syllable She utters

By right She should be taken out and hung

For the cold-blooded murder Of the English tongue

Ow!

Heavens! What a sound!

This is what the British population Calls an elementary education.

Come, sir, I think you picked a poor example.

Did I?

Hear them down in Soho Square

Dropping H's everywhere

Speaking English any way they like

Hey, you, sir, did you go to school?

What do you take me for, a fool?

Well, no one taught him "take" Instead of "tike"

Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse Hear a Cornishman converse

I'd rather hear a choir singing flat

Chickens, cackling in a barn Just like this one

Garn.

"Garn."

I ask you, sir, what sort of word is that?

It's "ow" and "garn" That keep her in her place

Not her wretched clothes And dirty face

Why can't the English Teach their children how to speak?

This verbal class distinction By now, should be antique

If you spoke as she does, sir Instead of the way you do

Why, you might be selling flowers too

I beg your pardon.

An Englishman's way of speaking Absolutely classifies him

The moment he talks

He makes some other Englishman Despise him

One common language I'm afraid we'll never get

Oh, why can't the English learn to

Set a good example to people Whose English is painful to your ears

The Scotch and the Irish Leave you close to tears

There even are places Where English completely disappears

Why, in America They haven't used it for years

Why can't the English Teach their children how to speak?

Norwegians learn Norwegian The Greeks are taught their Greek

In France every Frenchman knows His language from A to Z

The French don't care what they do actually,

as long as they pronounce it properly.

Arabians learn Arabian With the speed of summer lightning

The Hebrews learn it backwards Which is absolutely frightening

Use proper English You're regarded as a freak

Oh, why can't the English...

Why can't the English Learn to speak?

Thank you.

You see this creature with her curbstone English?

The English that'll keep her in the gutter till the end of her days?

Well, sir, in six months, I could pass her off

as a duchess at an Embassy Ball.

I could even get her a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant,

which requires better English.

Here, what's that you say?

Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf.

You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns.

You incarnate insult to the English language,

I could pass you off as the Queen of Sheba.

Oh, you don't believe that, captain.

Anything's possible.

I myself am a student of Indian dialects.

Are you?

Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of Spoken Sanskrit?

I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you?

I'm Henry Higgins, author of Higgins Universal Alphabet.

I came from India to meet you.

I was going to India to meet you.

- Higgins. - Pickering.

Higgins. - Where are you staying?

At the Carlton.

No, you're not. You're staying at 27A Wimpole Street.

You come with me. We'll have a little jaw over supper.

- Right you are. - Indian dialects always fascinated me.

Buy a flower, kind sir. I'm short for me lodgings.