Bordertown

Huh, getting a little lazy with the disguises, aren't we?

Hold it right there, Coyote.

Señor, I'm not sneaking into your country.

I'm fleeing the Kaiju.

Oh, come on, you think I'm gonna fall for that?

It is the Kaiju.

Activate the Border Bot.

See that, Coyote?

Border Patrol is ready for Kai...

Viva Coyote!

Fartsocks!

Hey, Bud, the Kaiju's dead,

so we're gonna go smash my ex-wife's house.

Want to come?

Whoa!

Moving on, Jigsaw, I know you have

a lot to say about campaign finance reform.

The key to fixing our broken democracy is hidden

behind your eyeball.

Is everybody ready?

Time for church.

Do we really have to go to church?

Please just do this for me.

It's important to my parents.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Sagan never went to church.

We were wrong!

All the nonsense is true!

Get back in the fire, you eggheads!

Is Sanford coming to church?

Yes, he is.

Let's go, Sanford.

Why do I got to go to church?

I don't want to be born again.

The first time was gross enough.

Ooh, meatball!

Janice, where the hell is my usher jacket?!

Uh-oh, it looks like one of the Muncies' dogs is wearing it.

Hey, give me that jacket.

You're not an usher!

Oh, what the hell?!

Get back here with my clothes!

Excuse me, did you gentlemen happen to see

which way that pack of dogs went?

Is everybody ready for church?

What would Jesus do?

Ernesto.

Pepito, if you think Señor God's wrath is bad,

wait until you see mine when I get my chancla.

You'll never dress me!

You're old and tired and a girl!

Goal...!

Is everyone ready to go to Jesus's?

I am.

Let's vámonos, everyone!

Uncle Jorge is so pious.

Last week, he spent two hours in the confession booth.

Even when other guys came in, he didn't leave.

Hola, Bud!

Happy Sunday.

Wow, nice jacket.

It's for being an usher,

the most important job in the church.

If there had been an usher at the Last Supper,

Jewish would not have been given a seat.

I think his name was Judas.

Yeah, that's what I said... "Judish,"

as in the Judes, the people that killed Jesus.

They named their religion after him... "Judasism."

It's a well-known, hysterical fact.

God, you made the Earth,

but I made the Earth look good...

Pride, Ernesto.

I'm sorry, Sister!

Oh, I can't believe I married an usher.

You're the prettiest usher's wife.

You hear that, you cow?

Who do you think pays for all this?

You're all sheep, being fleeced by a con artist.

Con artist?

If Reverend Fantastic is such a bad guy,

then how come he's always giving cops money?

Hey, Ernesto, enjoy your lame church!

Oh, we will, Bud!

I'm the church jokester.

So when everyone sits, I'm gonna kneel.

They'll gnaw the gay out of you yet!

Welcome, brethren and "sisteren."

Bub Duckwald, usher... no, no, no.

Uh, Bud Ushwald, bucker...

No, no, that's not it.

Um, Ush Budwald, ucklerb.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Oh, my God, is that Steve's wife?

Yeah, she's had a little work done.

Coveting! That's a covet!

You're all coveting my wife!

Watch those eyes, coveter!

You're all going to hell!

Isn't that lipstick a bit much for church?

She's so beautiful, I wish my mama would murder her.

Hey, Becky, will you be at youth ministry this week?

My dad put another gun in his mouth at Mervyn's.

Uh, sure, Allie.

You're a youth minister?!

How can you participate in this church crap?

Our mockery of this stuff is the basis of our whole relationship.

When I was a kid I didn't have a lot of friends.

This was the one place I felt accepted.

I want to help other kids like me.

My God, they brainwashed you

into making the world a better place.

It's insidious.

What other secrets are you keeping from me?

None.

You know, if you'd like some privacy,

we have a special area to make you feel more comfortable.

It's called your house!

Living Bible Megachurch,

get ready to worship...!

Hey, it's the guy who gives me an erection

whenever I see a hot man!

And now your pastor,

Reverend Fantastic!

This is a circus.

Good morning, fine people of Mexifornia.

Let us begin today's worship with the word of Gid.

- God, sir. - God, right, right.

I can never remember that guy's name.

God, if it be thy divine will,

join your humble and devoted followers on stage four!

It's God!

He's here, he's really here!

Oh, great and powerful God,

what message do you have for your faithful servants?

Give generously or you will be visited by pestilence.

And if you need God-like narration at your next party,

I know a really good guy, Gary Perkins, and you can e-mail him

Hire him or face the wrath of me, Gary...

I mean God! God Perkins.

Oh, come on, people.

How can you be so gullible?

There's clearly a guy operating that

from behind that curtain.

Don't look behind the curtain!

Hey, how are we doing?

Not good... have you heard the expression

"you can't take blood from a stone"?

Not if it's from the Bible.

It's our congregation... They're growing old

and holding onto every nickel they have... look.

This church needs some high rollers.

We've got to catch us a whale.

Well, our spy cameras found a big fish

at the Catholic church next door.

His name is Ernesto Gonzalez.

He lives next door to Bud Buckwald.

If we can get him to recruit Gonzalez,

maybe you can keep your jet.

That jet has a lot of fond memories for me.

My second wife was born on that thing.

Mr. Buckwald!

Great ushering today.

You know, part of being an usher

is helping the church recruit new members.

So we'd like you to help us

recruit your neighbor, Ernesto Gonzalez.

What?! But he belongs to the Mexican church.

He can't come to ours; he'll ruin it.

Come on, Bud.

Adding a few Mexicans will only spice things up.

Haven't you ever been to an orgy?

Only to deliver a pizza.

Why does the reverend want to recruit Ernesto to our church?

Church is supposed to be my place.

For one hour a week, I'm not some miserable grunt

at a border station... I'm important.

Why does the reverend got to ruin it?

Why else would he want Ernesto?

He wants his money.

Face it, Bud, Reverend Fantastic doesn't care

if you let Jesus into your heart,

as long as you let him into your wallet.

Great line, can I use it?

Hey, I learned from the best.

- We should hang out sometime. - That would be awesome.

Sure, I'll tell the court I saw that minor come onto you.

Uh, that's the reverend now.

Hello, Reverend, welcome.

Very smart, Mr. Buckwald.

Buying a spare house where you can defecate anywhere

and keep the smell away from your regular house.

This is my regular house.

Right, right, as I was saying,

beautiful house, and your daughters look

exactly like women.

Hola, Bud!

Hola, Bud's bud.

Ernesto, are you looking

for salvation, redemption and compassion?

My cousins?