Mom

Okay, a few more announcements.

We booked three rooms at the sober retreat,

so I took the liberty of assigning roommates.

Bonnie, you're with Christy.

Ugh!

- Tammy's with me. - Ugh!

Yay, I'm with Jill! We can gab all night.

Ooh, and I brought cards.

: Cards and gabbing!

I wonder how many people have relapsed

on one of these weekends.

Oh, trust me, you're gonna love it.

A weekend in nature to focus on your sobriety.

- It's transformational. - You don't have to keep selling us.

We're all in the car, and it's moving too fast to jump.

You could have mentioned it's all women.

I did my roots for nothing.

Not for nothing. You needed it.

Ooh! You know what I need? That right there.

A tricked-out Mercedes Sprinter Van

with the 5,000-pound payload

and a water cooler strapped to its back.

The only thing I understood

in that whole sentence was "Mercedes."

Ah, Marone, I see that van in my dreams.

My van dreams are more abduction-oriented.

I usually get away, but they're still upsetting.

A van like that says you're a serious contractor.

Don't suppose there are any

"get your hands on some quick cash" workshops this weekend?

No, they hold those out near the airport.

At least I held mine there.

Wait a minute. If I'm sharing a room,

does that mean I'm sharing a bathroom, too?

We're all sharing one. It's a communal bathroom.

So, nobody else but me needs to use the ladies' room?

I'll go with you.

My knees have been in my chin for three hours.

Ooh. Ah.

Oh, we're gonna switch places after this, right?

Oh, yeah, sure. Next time we stop.

Yeah. It's not fair.

Oh. Okay, this is that precious moment

when the hostages are left alone. What's the plan?

Can I not be with Marjorie for one weekend of my life?

- Ditto my mom. - That's cool. I'm sick of you, too.

I say we put Wendy with Marjorie.

- Why? - They're both not here.

- Great. I'll take Tammy. - Yeah. Mm.

That leaves you and me, Bonnie,

and I know you didn't bring cards.

I barely brought underwear.

I thought we were taking turns sitting back here.

Well, that was before you decided

to eat what appears to be an antique hot dog.

You're just jealous.

You're eating mayonnaise on a gas station wiener, honey.

Nobody's jealous.

Tammy, did you bring your sleep mask,

you know, for your night terrors?

Not your problem, 'cause you're bunking with Wendy now.

- Wait. What? - We made a couple

of small changes to the roommate situation.

And what are they?

They're all different, they're locked. Let it go.

Guys, they have goats. Did you see the goats?

I'll go check us in.

Ooh, free cookies. Want one?

Mm. No, thank you. Communal bathroom?

Nothing's going in or out all weekend.

You know, if I had that van, I could go outside right now

and build you your own bathroom.

If only I had enough for a down payment.

Where to get a down payment?

Wendy, you want to go see your goats again?

Hells to the yeah!

You know that's not a real fire.

Six people, five hours, one car.

Let me have this.

That's why I came alone.

Hi. Rebecca.

- Christy. - First time here?

I actually did think this was a real fire, so, yes.

It's my third year, so, I know all the tricks.

See, I say I have a roommate coming

who then backs out so I get a room to myself.

Smart.

My friend Sheila has broken her leg three years in a row.

Ooh. Maybe next year, my mom can break hers.

You're here with your mom?

Wow. I'm here because of my mom.

I'm both.

Ooh! Nice!

We have lived very different lives.

Oh. I'd tip the bellman, but...

apparently, that's me.

Oh, okay.

Goodbye, bedding that has touched other people.

Ooh! Welcome basket!

Is that what that is?

Looks like they started to make one and just gave up.

Water, sunscreen,

a pear in a little Styrofoam coat.

Hold on.

A journal.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh. We ditch the others and go home?

No, this is the weekend I start writing my book.

I've been waiting for the perfect setting and some paper.

Haven't you been starting that book since we met?

Hey, that's called author-shaming, and it's not cool.

I'll try to stay out of your hair,

but, I may be holed up here avoiding Tammy.

- Why? - Why? You heard her.

Van, van, down payment, van.

Well, this is a lot of hard work.

I should have packed my housekeeper.

I think you're being a little paranoid about Tammy.

If only.

When someone shares their dreams loudly three feet away from me,

it means they want me to pay for those dreams.

People have been hitting me up for loans since the fifth grade.

No one has ever paid me back.

In fifth grade, I was showing boys my bra strap

in exchange for their Doritos.

But your story's painful, too.

What's with all the female ranch hands?

Ranch hands are supposed to be dudes.

It's called a "dude ranch." Where are the dudes?!

Marjorie replaced the socks I packed with these.

"We might hike."

The only reason to ever hike is if a guy says,

- "You want to go hiking?" - (chuckles)

Why am I here?

Oh, you're just in a little slump.

You'll get out of it.

It's more than that. I'm invisible.

No one's ever gonna be attracted to me again.

At my funeral, people will say,

"Oh, why'd that old lawyer lady die alone?

She was kind of cute."

At least you're gonna be a lawyer.

Unlike me, who's just a van-less loser.

Guess my time's up.

You're not a van-less loser.

You just need a... a van.

Hey, what do you think Jill would say

if I asked her for a loan?

It's all about how you ask.

You have to make her feel like it's a win-win.

And it really helps to throw in the big sad eyes.

Wow. I'd give you anything.

Okay.

How's this?

Good, good.

I definitely don't feel like you're gonna murder me at all.

Well, that's rude.

Okay, Tammy, don't blame me when you get blisters.

Oh. I am so tired of having to be scout leader.

"Oh, Marjorie, will you be my sponsor?"

Then does anybody listen to me? No!

Sorry.

No. Honey, I'm sorry.

Here I am venting, and look what it's doing to you.

- I'm giving you a little anxious tummy. - I don't think it's you.

I think it's the gas station hot dog.

Or maybe the gas station mayonnaise.

You don't have to protect me.

- I just dumped my toxicity on you. - It's not about you!

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

Was the drain in your shower completely clogged?

Yeah, I basically took a bath from my ankles down.

The joys of communal bathrooms.

Ugh. I've seen worse.

- College dorm? - Jail.

Just a few nights here and there,

but you know, I dipped my toe.

How long have you been sober?

- Coming up on seven years. - Nice.

It's weird. Every time I say it, I feel like I'm lying,

like I must've drank at some point.

But nope, seven years.

I've got 12.

I should have 15, but I went out on NyQuil...

The nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing,

"so you can get high as a kite" medicine.

- That really should be on the bottle. - Right.

Hi, Christy!

Yeesh.

That thing's caught more than dreams.

Oh, hey.

What's going on?

Wendy has food poisoning, Marjorie's here now.

The hot dog?

What do you think? It cost 59 cents.

That would've been cheap when I was a child.

Hey, look at that.

You did your own "Marjorie's old" joke.

Well, since Marjorie's moved herself in,

I'm gonna go bunk with Jill.