The Cleveland Show

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪

♪ And I am proud to be ♪

♪ Right back in my hometown ♪

♪ With my new family ♪

♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear ♪

♪ Through good times and bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place ♪

♪ Where everyone will know ♪

♪ My happy mustached face ♪

♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪

Hey, Mama,

look at this trick I learned by watching Criss Angel.

Wow.

Mama, make me another breakfast.

Rallo, I'm busy cleaning the pots and pans Cleveland left

when he came home drunk and made pork and beans.

: What?

You have been a total slob lately.

That's...

: ...what.

That's the whole point of getting married.

You can let yourself go completely--

well, the husband, anyway.

Cleveland, it's only been three months.

I thought you'd wait at least a year

before you started stinking up the joint

like Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I have an Oscar.

Hey, sounds like it might be time

for a little, uh, second honeymoon.

Wh-Where did you two go the first time?

I never got around to booking it.

No honeymoon?

Have you ice in your veins?

I knew he didn't.

What?

We've been here literally every night since his wedding.

The truth is, I don't even know where to take Donna.

Lester, where's your favorite place for romance?

Ho-ho-kay, Lester, thank you for sharing.

Hey, y-you, you want a sexy trip,

d-do what Arianna and I did.

Hit up the Holy Land-- Israel--

that is, eh, if it still exists

at the time I'm saying this.

Hot Brown, I coached you in baseball,

and now I got to coach you in love.

The most romantic place on Earth is right here in the USA.

I'm talking about New York City.

It's where I found love for the first time,

and it left a giant, gaping hole... in my heart.

I had a dream of playing for the Yanks.

Wound up slinging hash at the Carnegie Deli.

I was young, dumb, and full of Tums.

And then I met a gal, an actress just starting out,

a burly angel who knew how to put away the corned beef.

♪ ♪

Her name was Tyne Daly.

That's right, the Tyne Daly.

It was magical,

but I never got the chance to tell her I loved her.

I still dream of her every night.

Always the same thing-- me, her, and Whitey Ford

getting it on right in the middle of Tad's Steaks.

Don't let love slip away, Hot Brown.

Hello, Mom?

Who's Tyne Daly?

No, no?

Okay, well, th-then put Grandma on.

: Grandma, who is Tyne Daly?!

: You're coming with me.

That is it. Prepare to...

: ♪ Honeymoon! ♪

Cleveland?

You scared the Shia LaBeouf out of me.

What do you mean, "honeymoon"?

Does this answer your query?

Krinklesac Discount Limousine and Animal Carcass Removal

at your disposal, ma'am.

Next stop, New York City!

New York City?

We've got to pack our...

But the kids...

I have obtained the services

of Stoolbend's finest sitter.

Sweet dreams, Mr. Kimple.

Should I draw a penis on his face?

You pretty much have to in this situation.

Oh, Cleveland, this is the most romantic ending

to a fake rape attempt ever.

McFALL (spits): Pardon my chaw, madam.

Coach McFall?!

Is coming with us to rekindle his love

with Tyne Daly.

Fine, he can ride with us,

but I don't want this spiraling

into further misadventures.

Ah, a bear.

Better let him do whatever he wants.

Hell, why not get the whole freak show together

and invite your little hobbit friend, too?

Hey, that's offensive.

I'm small-boned, except for one.

Yeah, this chick's laughing.

When I get to New York, I'm going to get discovered.

Yeah, you could do a little commercial work,

have a short run off Broadway.

Then you decide to act as your own agent,

end up negotiating a terrible deal for yourself

'cause you're not smart.

Next thing you know, you're teaching theater arts

at a community college in the middle of nowhere.

Most people will think you're weird,

but your cats will know better.

Geez, Rallo, what's wrong with you, man?

Don't blame me, it's the business.

Guys, look what I found in Donna's purse.

A tampon. (laughs) I'm just playing, baby.

The mysterious things a woman's body does

are very natural.

There it is, New York City.

It's just like I imagined it.

Well, first thing tomorrow, it's off to harpoon Tyne Daly.

You stud.

Can I help you?

I'm Roberta Tubbs, guest of The Maury Povich Show,

so I'll be staying here for free.

Uh, your name's not on the list.

How do I know you're telling the truth?

One of them's my baby-daddy.

And if it turns out it ain't me, I'm gonna be all...

Here's your room key, $75 per diem, affidavit,

and a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

PBR!

I hope it keeps for 16 years.

I want to see the most romantic spots in the city.

I marked them all in this guidebook.

Oh, Donna, I feel like we're in a Woody Allen movie,

except I've laughed a few times in the last hour.

Hey, Clevela-- oh, sorry, I thought you was someone else.

That's all right.

Oh, wait, there's Cleveland.

Hey, Cleveland!

Oh, m-my bad.

Oh, there he is.

Cleveland!

Damn, there are so many of you people here.

What you mean, "you people"?

You know, you're all are a bunch of...

Aw, I miss you, too, Arianna.

New York is not so bad.

Y-You can poop pretty much anywhere.

No one even looks at you.

One guy even gave me a quarter.

Whoa, hold the presses.

Arianna, there's a bar here with a sign that says

"Bears Welcome."

Yeah, I know.

Oh, well, here we go.

Bear walks into a bar, right?

: Okay, I'll talk to you later.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

You the president of MTV?

Word up, dawgs.

Well, I'm Roberta Tubbs,

and I came all the way from Stoolbend, Virginia,

to pitch you a reality show called Roberta Rules.

I'm a vapid teenager with no talents,

no discernible personality,

and no ambition other than to be famous.

Intrigued.

You?

I'm a tough-talking street kid with a passion for the violin.

Love. Love.

How about fatty?

I'm just a stone-cold machine.

We begin shooting tomorrow.

Congratulations, Kellie.

Roberta.

Not anymore.

Taxi!

I love New York.

Hello.

Listen, y-you got to get me out of this bear bar

before I really get into the, uh, the down and the dirty.

Donna, I have

to go to a gay bar with Tim.

No time to explain anything else whatsoever.

Cleveland, this is exactly what I was worried about.

Don't get involved in your friends' shenanigans.

Tim's more than a friend.

I'll meet you at the Empire State Building in one hour.

Driver, take me to New York's gay bar.

He's not interested.

Oh?

Then maybe he shouldn't come into a gay bar