Epic Movie

This is the story of four orphans brought together by fate.

They didn't know it yet...

but there was something greater in store for them-

something epic.

Meet our first orphan- Lucy.

She had been raised by a kindly old museum curator.

- But alas... - Ohh!

he was murdered.

Ow.

Oh, please don't die.

Please don't die. You're all I have.

You're on my hand.

Oh, sorry.

It's a code.

But what is it?

Oh, my God! Oh, God! The code! Please! Give me another clue!

I didn't read the book on tape.

Habeas corpus. E pluribus unum.

God. Um, the code, please.

Your body is in the shape of a letter. Is it the letter "D"?

Please! Please!

Um, that's an "A"!

It's "V"! "V"! Uh, "I"! "I"!

Um, "N"!

Uh- Um-

Um, "I"-

Oh! "C"! "C"! "I-C"!

"I"! "I." Da-Da-Da- Da Vinci!

Right!

Oh, God. Oh.

Oh.

"So lame the hair of Tom."

Wait. "Lame."

"Lame" is a-

"Lame" is a seven-letter word.

The code is seven! Right!

Oh, thank-

Right.

Then there was our next orphan, Edward.

He was living in a Mexican monastery with all the other children.

I'm not eating that.

Be grateful, Eduardo.

Today I made something especially scrumptious.

Nacho!

Nacho!

Nacho!

Nacho...

Nacho...

cheese flavored Doritos are delicious!

Ah-choo!

I'm sick of this!

I'm going to be a lucha libre wrestler.

You think you are better than the other orphans?

- Yes. - Chanchito!

Come. Teach him a lesson in humility.

You gotta be kidding me.

You like the flavor of the beans going up your nose?

Just take his arm and spin it around!

Chanchito, throw him off the table.

Sweet!

And stay out, cabrón!

Our next orphan, Susan...

was on her way to Namibia to meet her new adoptive parents.

- Can I get you a cocktail? - Just some water.

Okay. What can I get you to drink?

More juice, please.

I chose the wrong day to fly!

Enough is enough!

I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

- So have I! - Enough is enough!

I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

- Right! - I've had it...

with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

Why do you keep saying that?

Because Internet bloggers love it when I say...

I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

All right. We get it already. Okay?

No, I don't think you do!

I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

- Why are you yelling? - Shit, bitch, I'm always yellin'!

I'm Samuel motherfuckin' Jackson!

Bitch?

- The designer understands these things. - Darling, you look great.

I'm so hot.

Yes!

And finally...

our last orphan, Peter.

He made his home among the undesirables of society- the mutants.

But even there he was an outcast.

Hi, Mystique. Hi, L.C.

Right, um, so, anyway, I was wondering...

would you like to come to the homecoming dance with me?

As if.

Nice hair, Rogue.

You talkin' to my girl...

numbnuts?

Asshole.

- Fight. Fight. Fight. - Fight! Fight!

What are you gonna do about it?

He's unleashing his powers!

He's gonna spread angel wings!

More like chicken wings!

Break it up. Break it up.

You all know Peter is too much of a pussy to stand up for himself.

Aah!

And for these four orphans...

life would never be the same.

Gross.

Welcome.

You must be Susan.

And you... are Peter.

And you're Edward.

And you-

You're Lucy.

I've been expecting you.

So, come on!

Ooh!

I love your legendary candy.

A chocolate river!

Mmm!

It's delicious!

It's so delicious!

Yea!

Chocolate!

That's, uh-

- That's actually the sewer line. Yeah. - It's delic-

Children, do you want to know...

what makes all my candy taste so special?

Uh-huh.

It's a special, secret ingredient.

It's real human parts.

There's gonna be a little itty-bitty piece of each and every one of you...

inside of the Yummy Yum candy- literally.

I'm gettin' out of here.

Let us out, freak!

Let us out, freak!

No, no. I can't do that.

- Yes, you can. - Yes, you can.

You're... mine now.

Aah!

Aah!

Stop! Let me go!

Ow!

Aah!

What are you doing?

- Willy told me he wanted his knob polished. - Dumb-ass.

We've gotta get out of here.

- We gotta get out of here. - I just said that.

You just said that.

Where are we gonna go? I don't have a home to go back to.

I thought this golden ticket was my lucky break.

The curator was all I had.

I never had anyone. I raised myself.

And that's why you have such a tough exterior?

Yeah.

And you're kinda bitchy.

- Why us? - Because we're four kids nobody would ever miss.

We'll be stuck here till we die.

Shut up, Edward. You're scaring her.

Don't tell me what to do! You're not my father!

- Two for flinching. - Oww! Aah!

Leave Peter alone. He was just sticking up for her.

I can take care of myself.

Like it or not, we're all in this.

It's obvious we don't like each other, but if we're going to survive...

we have to stick together.

Aah!

- Ow. - Was the fight over?

I didn't know.

- Hey! - Shh! Someone's coming.

Who wants to chew my gum balls?

It's Willy. Hide!

Where are you?

I'm gonna find you.

Wow.

Wow.

Ooh! Oh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

It's stuck. It's- It's stuck.

It's- It's stuck.

You can do it!

My tongue!

My ba-a-a-a-ad.

Where am I?

The world of Gnarnia.

Oh!

A silent "G," as in "gnome."

Or "gnarly."

- For legal purposes. - Mm-hmm.

- I'm Mr. Tumnus. - Oh, my name is Lucy.

What are you?

I'm a faun. Half man, half goat.

- Oh, so you mean- - Yeah. Dad screwed a goat.

These are my folks.

Oh!

- You have her goatee. - Thanks.

- And you? - Oh. No.

Both of my parents are human.

Eew. Gro-o-o-ss!