In Living Color

All right, class. Class! Stop it!

Take your seats. Take your seats!

I don't want to see any of you after school. Good.

Now, class, we're gonna have a new student join our class today.

He's a little bit older than the rest of us...

But he wants to finish his education, okay?

- Um... - Where is he?

- Yeah, where is he? -

Uh, ha-ha... Carl Williams?

You can call me the Tooth, 'cause all my friends call me that.

- - Uh...

- 'Cause you have one tooth? - Well, you know, I never really thought about it.

But I do have one tooth.

Uh, I have brought you the traditional apple.

Oh, well, thank you!

- Ain't no thing. - It's got... It-It... It has a tooth bite in it.

Yeah, well see, it's all good. See, I got hungry waiting on that...

on that big green school bus that come pick us up, man.

Big green? That sounds like a-a garbage truck.

Hey, no wonder they had me hanging off the back of that thing.

- You know, I was thinking, it sure was stinking. -

Yeah, well, what's up? Yeah! Bring it on. Let's box.

You ain't got nothing. You ain't got nothing.

Uh, uh, Toothy. What are you doing?

- Yeah. I'm tryin' to get up in his head. Whassup? -

- Huh? Whassup? - Uh, Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams. Mr. Williams, please...

Don't throw in the towel, teacher. I'm telling you...

I could take him. He ain't nothin' but skin and bones.

Mr. Williams, since you're new, how would you like to lead the class...

- in the Pledge of Allegiance? - Oh, it's all good.

I pledge allegiance to...

the United States of A-Amera...

- America. - Yeah, basically.

And uh, to the republic for a standing eight count...

and after that, you should go into your neutral corners until I call for you.

No blows below the belt and you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you, and let's all stand forJudge Wapner.

- Nice try, Carl. Would you please sit down? - Amen.

Um...

Now, the subject for today is the human anatomy, all right?

Now, who would like to tell me...

how many bones are found in the human body?

- Yes? - You know, I know I'm out of place and I don't mean...

to step in front of the white girl, but I would like...

I would like to answer the question, and I believe it is 733?

No.

- No. That's way too many bones. - Well, you shoulda seen the X-rays...

- after I had the Holyfield fight. - You fought Evander Holyfield?

Yes I did. I was in the cheap seats and I was going, you know, to my seat...

Tryin' to get by somebody? And I slipped and fell...

'cause I was tryin' to catch my peanuts, 'cause them peanuts, they was good...

- You know what I'm saying? - I see.

Yes. All right, let's move on to our lab subject.

Wait, now today, we're going to dissect this frog...

to see what the internal makeup is.

- Who would like to volunteer? - You know, I may be out of line...

- Ah, no.! - But I don't want to get ahead of anybody else, but...

- Well, well... - but I would love to see the frog.

- Carl, of course. Come on, now, you see... -

Oh, excuse me.

- All right, boys, boys. All right. - You better chill out, Jack.

- All right, boys. - Tevin Campbell.

All right. What we need to do...

- Are we ready? - Yeah.

Okay. What we need to do...

is carefully open up the frog's thoracic cavity with the scalpel.

- Yeah. - Now, do you know what a thoracic cavity is?

Well, basically, I have had a lot of cavities and, uh...

- Which has left me the way I am. - Uh-huh.

So I don't need no instrument, 'cause all I need is these gloves to open 'em up...

'cause l... these are precise, you know, these are...

- precise instruments, know what I'm saying? - Mm-hmm.

- You know what I'm saying? - Oh!

What are you doing?

You've ruined the specimen.

Oh, you need a specimen? Well, let me run to the bathroom real quick and I'll have you...

Mr. Williams, I don't want to have to see you after school!

Oh. You don't or you do? 'Cause, you know, it sounded like, you know, I'm tryin' to...

you know, get my little thing goin'... I'm in training right now...

so I gotta save all my fluids, you know...

but I'll make a exception with you, you know what I'm saying?

Hey, girl! Yo, you know, you was right, Mick.

Women do sap your energy, man. I'm crazy.

Fine. Class dismissed. Get of here. I don't want to see any of you anymore.

From Cell Block 9, Prison Cable Network presents:

Lights Out with Angel Martinez.

Featuring Tiny and the Lethal Injection Orchestra...

and me... Charlie Magic.

Now, a man who hasn't lost his appeal, he just likes it here...

Angel...

Martinez.!

Hi-hi!

Yeah, I mean, it was very cold last night in my cell block.

- How cold was it? - It was so cold last night...

I had to set three guards on fire just to keep my feet warm.

Now, let's welcome Tiny and his band.

Tiny, you are looking so good tonight, man.

Especially since I'm missing my conjugal monthly visits.

Uh, thank you. It's nice to be here once again with you, Angel.

Now, I would like to introduce the band. This all them.

Now it's time to bring out our first guest.

He's the most popular inmate we have here, PeteyJohnson. Come on out, Petey.

- Don't try to get in my circle, man. - Okay.

Unless you're part of the Family.

Sometimes Charlie gets very, very emotional. Petey...

why don't you tell us about... well, we already know about your little secret...

but why don't you tell everybody about it?

Well, I recently had a sex change.

Thank you.

Mad Dog, down at the laundry room, did it with a few, uh...

steam presses and some tools he stole from woodshed.

- I gave Charlie the leftovers. -

Now, let me ask you one question. Why did you get the operation in the first place?

I've always felt like a woman stuck in a man's body.

Ay, usually around here, it's a man in a man's body.

By the way, how much did that operation cost you?

Listen, Angel, this operation set me back 8,000 cigarettes.

Look, I wouldn't even worry about something like that.

- Look like you better go on back and git you some bigger breasts. - Oh, my God!

Tiny! Tiny, oh man, you scared away the guest, man.

- I'm sorry. - Get outta here, man.

Well, I guess that means it's time for stupid punk tricks.

Now remember, this is not a competition.

This is merely an exhibition. Do we have a, uh, Rosie Negro?