Two and a Half Men

Hello...?

Anybody...?

Big news!

I'm gonna marry Mia!

Hey, Alan!

I'm in the shower.

Guess what I'm gonna do with Mia.

Guess what I'm already doing with Kandi.

That's not fair, Alan,

you have to give him a hint.

He doesn't need a hint.

Well, then how's he supposed to guess?

Oh, well.

Oh, a place to hang my wash cloth.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

is that the price should equal three months salary.

Ouch.

Wonder what broad came up with that?

It wasn't a broad, it was a marketing scheme

dreamed up by the international diamond cartel.

Probably a bunch of chicks.

But at least diamonds are forever, right?

Oh, yeah, forever.

My ex-wife still has hers.

Meanwhile, I'm wearing mismatched socks

from the irregular bin.

Well, Mia and I are going to go the distance--

15, maybe 20 years.

That's not the distance.

The distance is death.

Hey, if I'm still married after 20 years, kill me.

I can't believe you're doing this at all.

Why not?

Why shouldn't someone like me

settle down with a wife and kids?

Boy, I don't know where to start.

That's the old Charlie you're thinking of.

Oh, okay.

And to whom am I speaking now?

May I help you, gentlemen? Yeah.

We're looking for an engagement ring.

How nice.

Do you have anything in mind?

Ah...

Nothing ostentatious.

Something in a brilliant cut,

perhaps with complementary baguettes.

Size isn't as important as color and clarity.

Well, someone knows what he wants.

What can I say?

He's my life.

* Men...

So basically, I asked her to marry me

and she said yes.

Huh.

What do you think about that, Jake?

Good.

That's it? Good?

It's not good?

No, it's good.

That's what I said.

All right, I'm full.

He wears his little heart on his sleeve, doesn't he?

Ah, it's my own fault.

I should've known better than to talk to him at feeding time.

Charlie, I need to speak to you.

I'll be right out, Rose.

Did you tell her?

Of course not.

Would you? No.

I'll let you be my best man.

You mean I'm not?

Well, you're on the short list,

but this could cinch it.

Come on, Charlie, that woman

has been obsessed with you for years.

She's gonna find out about your engagement sooner or later.

Let it come from you.

Yeah, I guess.

Besides, she has a boyfriend now.

She probably won't even care. Probably not.

So why won't you tell her?

Because if I want my eyebrows shaved,

I'll shave them myself.

Hey, Rosey Rose.

What's up, Rosey Rose?

Gordon dumped me.

Oh, damn it to hell.

I know, it's awful.

How could he do this?

He said he couldn't be with me anymore

knowing that I'm still in love with you.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Listen, Rose...

there's something I have to tell you.

Is it good news?

I could use some good news.

Well...

you remember Mia?

Yeah. Ugh.

Don't tell me you're dating her again.

No, no, no. We're not dating.

Good. 'Cause I always thought she was kind of a head case.

Look, the thing is I'm gonna kind of marry her.

Rose?

Did you hear me?

I heard you.

You're going to marry Mia.

So...

are you okay?

Sure.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Well, I-I-I was afraid the news

might come as a bit of a shock to you.

Afraid? There's nothing to be afraid of, Charlie.

You're my friend.

Where are you going?

I have things to do.

What kind of things? Things.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Hello, Alan.

Hello.

Did she just use the front door?

Uh-huh.

She's never used the front door before.

Nuh-uh.

What happened out there?

Well, I-I told her I was going to marry Mia,

and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.

Whoa.

What do you think she's going to do?

The question isn't what, it's when...

and how I'm going to enjoy my honeymoon

with my testicles glued to my ass crack.

* Men...

That's a pretty wedding gown.

Oh, yeah.

I could probably crawl under there during the reception

and no one would have a clue.

Well, you would.

Stop.

I don't think you'd say that.

Isn't it beautiful?

You know, they say you're supposed to spend

three months salary, but I went four.

Because I'm worth it?

No, actually, I had a slow first quarter.

Hey, my dad called today.

He wants to take your family out for a nice dinner.

Yeah, well, tell him

he can have one or the other, but not both.

Come on, Charlie,

they're going to have to meet sooner or later.

Okay, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?

What's happier than a wedding?

Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind.

There'll be music, dancing,

my mom will be in a box.

That's a gorgeous wedding cake.

It's okay. I'm not big

on having the little action figures on top.

They kind of creep me out.

They're traditional.

Hey, this is our wedding.

We can do whatever we want.

We don't even have to have cake.

We can have... pie.

A wedding pie?

Well, we'll probably need more than one.

You know, so everybody gets some crust.

Alan, what do you think about a wedding with no cake?

No cake?

Where would you put the little bride and groom?

I can think of one place.

Charlie, if you're going to do a wedding, do it right.

Thank you, Alan.

You're welcome. Oh, which reminds me...

I just found my old wedding folder

and guess what was in it?

The claim check for your manhood?

As I was saying, it's all here,

everything you could possibly need for your big day--

from paper samples for your announcements

to selected verses of romantic poetry

well-suited for wedding vows.

And you wonder why people think you're gay.

Oh, shush.

Now you're talking cake,

but we are light-years away from cake.

First, we have to discuss the budget,

the venue, how many guests,

is it going to be a sit- down dinner or a buffet?

Then you need to hire a photographer

and a videographer, then a florist.

Have you even thought about flowers?

Well, lilies are nice.

Oh, lilies are perfect

if the bride and groom are recently deceased.