Night Court

**

-God, I hate Fashion Week. Excuse me.

Person who looks like a person coming through.

Really?

Usually I'm the best-dressed one here.

I'm the "Where'd you get that jacket" guy?

But this week I'm the "Why'd you get that jacket" guy?

-Best dressed? Only 'cause they make me wear this.

I'm actually a style maven.

Turned my bathroom into a second closet.

Now I use the toilet downstairs at the Burger King.

-Are you eating a turkey leg or is that

what a regular chicken leg looks like in your hand?

-Had a lunch date at Medieval Times.

If that wasn't bad enough, the guy was very rude to our wench.

-So getting back out there isn't going great.

It's these day dates.

The only men free in the middle of the day

are midlife-crisis divorcees, single dads,

and late-in-life college students.

I'm standing right here.

-You're cool. Where'd you get that jacket?

And I'm back.

-You got to hang in there, Judge.

Dating in the real world is tough.

It's certainly not a fairy tale.

-Aren't you dating a prince? -He's a duke.

But it's nothing like the stories.

His stepmother is lovely

and not at all threatened by his good looks --

even though my man is fair as hell.

-I know dating now is just apps and DMs,

but sometimes I wish there was a little more magic

to the process.

-Like a mysterious man comes knocking at your window,

and he's wet and handsome and right there?

-He's good-looking. Let him in.

Thank you.

You won't believe how hard it is to get people

to let a strange man climb through their window

in this city.

-With that hat, I thought you were about to dance.

-My name is Martini, like the drink.

-My names's Abby, like where nuns live.

You know, there's something about you

that weirdly feels like we've...

Have we met before?

-Oh. Paparazzi. They found me. Got to go.

-Is that fairy tale enough for you?

He even left a slipper.

-Doesn't count. It's not glass.

Oh! Guess it was.

**

-Well, well, well. Look what the cat...

threw up on.

-Every dry cleaner in town is booked for Fashion Week.

Where are you taking your laundry?

These are lesser jackets.

I'm donating them to the charity in the cafeteria.

-Wow. You're helping total strangers instead of me, huh?

Huh. See if I ever do you a favor again.

-Let's go over the definition of "again" and possibly "favor."

-You. You're my lawyer. Who are you wearing?

Don't answer that. I already know, and I love it.

Did we win? -Win?

Walking into this building sort of takes winning off the table.

It must be Erika Ellis. How did you get out of holding?

You answered that yourself.

I'm Erika Ellis, editor of Better Than Youmagazine.

-Magazine? Well, on behalf of everyone here,

thank you for defeating the Internet.

Mm.

-Forgive me if I'm not impressed.

-Dan, what's the deal with your dry --

Away.

-Okay. Now I'm impressed.

Been trying to get people to leave me alone for years.

You do it with two syllables. Show me your ways.

-You get these ludicrous charges dropped,

and I'll teach you everything I know.

Winning's gonna be tough.

I mean, you're not what lawyers

or humanity would call a sympathetic figure.

And unfortunately, the judge, she's a person.

The People vs. Erika Ellis.

-Your Honor, the defendant is charged

with misdemeanor assault.

Also let the record show -- mean.

-Uh, Your Honor, I think assault is a bit too much.

The victim was an exotic bird.

And who hasn't wanted to throw a phone at a peacock?

They just think they're so much better than us.

-Your client has a history of violent outbursts.

She's thrown phones at Davids Beckham, Copperfield,

and Schwimmer. -Two out of anger...

one out of love.

-The defense would like to ask for a continuance

so that I may confer with my client.

-Dan Fielding wants to spend more time with a client?

Sure. Let's get weird. We'll reconvene tomorrow.

Badges, leather, handcuffs.

Where have you been my whole life?

Right here, baby.

A date with a deejay?

That at least must have been fun.

-Deejays aren't as much fun during the day.

They're just some guy in a deli yelling,

"Put your burger-flippin' hands in the air!"

-Did you hear that? -I swear I killed that possum.

Unless he was faking it, which would be so him.

-It's just me. I was hiding from the press.

But I fell asleep on what I thought was a pillow

and now know is a possum.

Now I recognize you.

You're Martini Toddwallis, the famous British fashion designer.

-You probably know me from my revolutionary concept show,

"Anything Can Be Pants."

-You know, I've always had an idea for a shirt that's pizza

so when you spill pizza on it, no one's the wiser.

That's incredible.

Not the idea, but what your -- your mouth is doing.

You mean smiling?

-I don't see a lot of that in my line of work.

You're different than most girls I know.

You're -- You're upbeat. You make eye contact.

You haven't snorted any cocaine this entire conversation.

-I'll snort -- when something's really funny.

Have you seen that commercial

where the guy stops us from turning into our parents?

It's so real.

You'reso real.

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

She'd love to.

Till then.

Why did you say yes for me?

-Because I was worried you'd say no.

And this guy's into you.

-I mean, he ischarming and cute.

But it just feels like we're from two different worlds.

He's from high fashion, and I'm from "hi" fashion.

-Well, that's what makes it so exciting.

Take me and the duke. I never owned a castle.

He owns so many, one of them is just mazes.

Doesn't he figure them out?

-I said my man was fair as hell, not smart as hell.

-What's that? -It's my dry cleaning.

I need help, and I know you have a hook-up.

Everyone's heard you brag about that dry cleaner you got off

for using federally banned chemicals, which he still uses.

And that's why he's so good. -That's why he so good.

Why would I do this?

Do it or I'll haunt you.

I'll sleep outside your apartment.

You think I won't?

Does this look like a woman with anything left to lose?

-All right. Fine. I'll do it. Just get out of here.

I have a meeting with a client

who could actually do something for me.

Oh, my.

You do need my help.

Trying to enjoy a quiet moment alone,

and that hussy throws her sweat-soaked pantyhose at you.

-Story of my life. Damn this likable face.

But I've got great news for us.

I dug up some dirt on the peacock.

It has priors.

It bit three NBC executives

for using its likeness without consent.

You do good work.

Okay. Here's a taste.

You want to be left alone?

-What? I've worn sunglasses before.

-You've put on sunglasses, but you've never wornthem.

They're the same tint as my shih tzu's Escalade.

No.

Wow! -Mm-hmm.

You've closed up a whole new world for me!

You win my case

and I'll show you the city's invite-only subway

and a secret Billy Joel concert with no between-song patter.

It's all I want.

You stick with me,

you'll never have to deal with another person

in this city again.

-Hey, doll, I'm running the Dress to Progress table.

We donate clothing to former convicts.

Is this your --

Okay. Terrific.

-Damn it. Olivia's dry cleaning.

Oh, I think that's the wrong --

Hello. I need to get in there.

It'll just take a second.

I don't get it.

Models are known for walking, yet none of you move.

-Anyone named Chloe, I need you in the cafeteria now.

How did you do that?

-Hold on. Someone's talking to me.

-Oh, my God. It's the headset.

-He's like a New York 7. Manitoba 12.

-So, would you rather live in the clouds or under the sea?