Two and a Half Men

Okay, after I get the tickets,

you line up for the popcorn

while I nail down some good seats.

Oh, I-I want butter in the middle.

Don't just let 'em squirt it on the top.

Ooh, ooh, a-and a large cherry Slurpee...

and then you hold the seats while I go to the men's room,

and then I'll do the same for you,

and that way we can enjoy our drinks during the movie without fear.

Gotcha.

You're not going to do any of that, are you?

Nope.

So-so you want to go in there

with no coordination, no-no strategy,

just, uh, winging it?

That's what I'm thinkin'.

I have no faith in this at all.

Now for her I'd stand in line for a butter squirt.

Yeah, she is a hottie.

Hey, that's no hottie.

That's your ex-wife.

Judith?

Alan?

Sorry about the squirt thing.

Wow.

Look at you.

New-new hair, clothes.

You look...

Wow.

Thank you.

No, no, thank you.

It's a public service

when a gay chick goes lipstick instead of lumberjack.

So, uh, how was the, uh, movie?

Where-where's Jake?

Um, home with a baby-sitter.

Alan, I'm kind of on a date.

Oh, oh, okay.

Oh, uh, is that her?

Hi, nice to meet you.

Uh, I'm-I'm the ex.

Alan, that's not my date.

Hey, Alan.

Uh, Phil!

Yeah, what a coincidence.

Uh, uh, Phil is Jake's soccer coach.

Uh, Phil, you remember Judith.

Well, yeah, I-I...

One Mississippi...

Alan...

What? two Mississippi...

Oh, my... God!

Okay, we're all caught up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, you're dating Phil?

How-how can you be dating Phil?

Well, Alan, he asked me out...

What about the whole gay thing?

Did you even give that a chance?

Phil, we'd better go.

Hey, l-look, Alan, I-I-I hope

this doesn't affect our friendship.

Oh, no, call me. We'll hang out.

Great. Well, hey, how's Tuesday?

Tuesday's good.

Judith, how's Tuesday for you?

Just walk away.

I know you built your sun deck without a permit,

and I am calling it in.

Alan, chill.

Two-faced, wife-poaching,

soccer-coaching rat bastard!

Come on. Let it go.

I'll treat you to a cherry Slurpee.

I don't want a cherry Slurpee.

You sure? 'Cause I think Phil's going to get one.

She's-she's straight. She's gay. She's straight again...

Place your bets. Where she lands, nobody knows.

Alan, it's no big deal.

Women get to experiment with their sexuality.

It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.

Where do you get this stuff?

I make it up.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what Judith is.

It only matters what she's not.

And what is she not, Charlie?

She is not coming back to you, pal.

Thank you for your sensitivity.

All I'm saying is that Judith has moved on with her life,

and maybe it's time for you to do the same.

I know, I know, it's just... I can't.

Sure, you can, and I'll help you.

How?

I don't know-- by saying things

like, "Sure you can" and "I'll help you."

Great. Thanks.

Look, this isn't just about you, you know.

All this wallowing in the past

is causing other people to suffer.

You mean Jake.

I mean me.

You are really starting to piss me off.

Okay, that's enough help for now.

I'm just saying maybe it's time

You're right, you're right. I-I-I know you're right.

Forget Judith.

There's a whole world out there that...

you haven't pissed off yet.

There is no reason

I-I couldn't find happiness with someone else.

There you go.

This could be the beginning

of the rest of my life.

Bit of a bumper sticker,

but sure, why not?

In fact, for the first time since college,

I-I can go after any woman I want.

Heck, I could take a page from your book

and date 'em two, three at a time.

Yeah, right.

I mean, yeah, right!

You know what?

I'm going to start right now.

I am going to die alone.

No, no...

you just don't know how to sell yourself.

Give me a minute.

So?

If it was up to them, you'd die alone.

Great.

Okay, here's the thing.

If you really want to play in this league,

you're going to have to make a few changes.

Like what?

Hang on.

Pretty much everything.

Everything? Yup.

The hair, the clothes, the fuddy-duddy personality...

What do they know about my personality?

Okay, that part's mine.

Face it, Alan, you've been an old fart since you were 14.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means how many eighth graders

carry a-a briefcase and a pocketwatch?

That was the Esperanto Club look.

Okay, well, unless you know

you're going to need to shake things up a little.

Really? And-and how do I go about shaking things up?

Hang on.

This one might take a while. Don't wait up.

Hey, guess what?

Coach Phil made me first string on the soccer team.

Is that so?

Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I suck.

Well, maybe Coach Phil sees some potential.

So, uh, what else is new?

Mom's got new clothes and new hair.

It's like she's a different person or something.

But she's still the same person, Jake.

No, not really.

She walks around the house singing all the time.

She just sings for no reason?

I guess.

I wonder if it's the same reason

I sing for no reason.

Does Coach Phil sing for no reason?

For God's sake, Charlie.

How come you haven't changed anything yet, Dad?

Why should I change?

So you'd look cool like Mom.

You don't think I look cool now?

No.

Well, you know what? It doesn't matter if I look cool.

We judge a person by what-/////!s inside them, not by what they wear.

Lucky for you, huh?

Yeah, lucky.

I'm done. Can I go watch TV?

Sure.

Help me, Charlie. I want to sing for no reason.

Get your jacket. It's time to go.

I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping.

You can't stay here alone.

Why not?

You know why not.

But I don't have a turtle

to put in the microwave anymore.

Get your jacket.

Fine, I'll put on my stupid jacket

and we'll get in the stupid car,

and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

So, are you ready for your big makeover?

You know what?

Actually, I am.

I-I-I was up all night thinking about it.

All night?

Maybe your money's better spent on a hooker.

No, no, listen, um, I was in the bathroom,

uh, looking at myself in the mirror when I noticed--

and I think I can be completely objective about this--

that, uh, I have a-a very nice ass for a guy my age,