How I Met Your Mother

Kids, once your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily

found a nanny for baby Marvin,

they were excited

for their first night out together in five months.

And so were we.

Mama.

Dada.

Hi, gang.

Ooh.

Ah, so, now that there's no

screaming baby to distract us,

what have you guys been up to lately? Yeah.

This was a surprisingly loaded question.

You see, right after Marvin was born,

Lily and Marshall had issued a decree.

New rule: you can't come to us with any issue

unless it's an eight or higher.

And we were doing our best to abide.

Ted, how are things

going with Victoria?

My dad made the funniest joke.

He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding,

you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it,

or else.

You know, he's not usually funny like that.

Not promising, but not an eight.

Everything's great.

And Robin, how's everything with Nick?

Finally ready for a ride on the bike?

Who? Me?

Let's ride, Big Daddy.

Oh, yeah.

Mama likey.

Robin, over here. Ooh.

Eco-friendly.

She runs on corn.

Totally lady bone killer, but not an eight.

Everything's great.

And how are things for the old Barnacle?

Not an eight.

At best, she was a six, six and a half.

More like a four by the time I was done with her.

Mental self-five.

Everything's great.

To long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily.

Mmm.

I've missed this. Okay. We got to go.

W-what? You just got here.

I cleared my whole night for you guys.

I didn't even bring my booty-call phone.

Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really

need some time to ourselves.

I promise we'll hang out soon.

See you guys. Bye.

Yeah, like I'm going to leave this at home.

Barney Stinson. How may I direct my penis?

Oh, geez.

It is so nice to be out in the fresh air.

You smell that? Ooh.

That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Oh, God, I miss that smell.

You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time

worrying about Marvin, but it's actually nice to be out

in the world, living life.

Yeah.

Death is all around us.

Wow, that urine smell just got a lot stronger.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So, you guys spent

your first night out in five months,

sitting at home planning for your own deaths?

Yeah, we found this Web site that helps you make a will.

In the event of your death... Ooh!

I'm sorry.

It-it's just-just real sad to think about.

Oh, I know.

All right.

In the event of your death...

Okay, no, you know what?

Let's just start with something easy.

Okay. Okay?

Please enter your zip code.

: We'll never get mail again.

I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical.

Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe.

Please, faulty elevators, exploding man hole covers,

jealous husbands. Mmm.

This place is a coroner's paradise.

Ooh!

They are way more likely to eat it in a mugging gone wrong.

There was a double hommy on your block like a week ago.

Caught it on the scanner during lunch.

Knife job.

Guy made a real mess of it too.

Anyway,

then we got to the section about picking a guardian.

Sometimes couples choose one of their parents as a guardian.

That makes it simple.

My mom.

Your mom?

What's wrong with my mom?

Are you...

Fine. All right.

Marvin won't go to my loving mother.

But he's got to go to somebody.

Fine.

What about my mom?

Your mom?

Um, excuse...

Fine.

Not my mom.

What about my dad?

Your dad?

Okay, yeah, he's out.

Wait a minute. You know who could be good?

My brother Marcus.

He's like a great dad.

Do you remember his Christmas card?

Questionable denim choices aside, Marcus is a good dad.

I guess if Marvin has to go to anyone, it should be family.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Marcus, hey, how's it going?

Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe.

I packed up all my crap; I said, "See ya" to Sarah and the kids;

and I finally got my dream job

as a mixologist down here at Carnalism 2.

Hold on.

Some punk's trying to use his snorkel rental as a bong.

Hey!

You be packin' that bowl too tight, mon.

So, now we don't have a guardian.

You know, as your best friend,

if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.

If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole,

Ted's your guy.

If you want him pulling the chord

on some other nerd's panties,

I'm your guy.

I'll teach that kid how to be awesome

in ways you and Lily never could.

It's going to be legend...

...wait for it, no, I won't wait for it

and neither should little baby Marvin,

so maybe it's better if you two just die right now...

...dary.

And so began the longest week of Lily and Marshall's lives.

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Huh?

Huh? Huh?

Aah!

What?

You think you can bribe them with a stroller?

They already got one, foo.

Oh, this is no stroller, Robin.

I call it the Broller.

Go ahead. Look inside.

I don't get it. I don't see anything.

Yeah, but Papa does.

Those Robin's boobies?

When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy,

you can inspect their bundles of joy.

The Broller.

God, I come up with a lot of good stuff.

Hey, guys, hey...

Hey.

Lily and I need you to come upstairs.

This is an important decision

and we can't have you constantly interrupting us

with this childish competition.

Which is why we're going to make it

an official competition!

We're going to play Who Wants to Be a Godparent?

Right after this word from our sponsors.

Why is he talking to the wall?

Wait, this is how you're going to choose a guardian for Marvin?

I mean, why don't you just put us

in a three-way cage match and go with whoever's left standing?

We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage.

Yeah, you see, guys, we were

really struggling with this decision.

Babe, I know these guys have been

a little over the top lately. A little?

But we still have to pick a guardian just in case.

In case of what?

Don't make me say it.

Say it. I can handle it.

Say it.