Bit

You know those teen vampire movies

that feel like the horny soap opera fever dreams

of a sentient eight-grade diary?

Here's how this one ended.

Here's how mine began.

Thank you for this. Thank you.

I love you.

I love you too.

What about sunlight?

No, it will make you sick

and it's blinding, but it won't hurt you.

- Uh, garlic? - No.

- Uh, crosses? - No!

No, not sticks, nor holy water,

or anything like that can hurt you.

The only thing we need to worry about...

Is me.

Duke, don't!

Hold her down.

You poor thing!

I bet you thought you were the hero

of your own little movie.

Finally, you've been bitten by the radioactive spider

confirming what you've always suspected.

That you are, in fact,

a special center of the universe.

I love him!

No!

But you're not special,

and life isn't a fucking movie.

Except sometimes you do meet the bad guys.

You're going to kill me now, too?

Why would I do that?

You messed up is all.

And for a good reason.

Love.

The heart wants what it wants, right?

One year in the hole.

I'm sorry, but you got to learn to respect the rules.

No fucking boys.

All right, everybody,

put your hands together for the graduating class

of Central Oregon High!

You don't think they're gonna fuck right here, do you?

God, I hope so.

Why do we even come to these things?

We don't.

She better come up for air.

There it is.

I wish somebody would burp in my face like that.

Same.

Fucking same.

Uh-huh.

Uh, look, I got something I wanna tell you.

Is that okay?

- Yeah. - Okay, okay.

Um...

I just wanna say...

I wanna say,

"Hey, what you've done is just so cool."

- So cool, you know? - Uh-huh.

Like, seriously, I just...

I want to let you to know that I really admire you.

- It's so cool. - Thanks.

Okay, thank you for that.

Hey, Laurel, come check this out real quick.

Yeah, no problem.

Hey, can, can I...

- Better keep in touch when you're down there. - I will.

You're gonna go down there

and meet all these interesting people

and you're gonna forget all about me.

And I'm gonna have to live vicariously through your snaps.

I'm only gonna be gone a couple months.

You're never coming back here.

That's what happens.

Friends you make in high school

are just the people you're stuck with.

They're friends by forced proximity.

You're ridiculous, you know that?

You can come visit me.

Well, maybe I will.

Give Mark my love.

Feel free to send me pics

if you should maybe happen to catch him in his underwear.

Ew! That's my brother.

It's what keeps us apart.

Whatever.

Just don't drift away.

I won't.

I need you, kid.

Oh, get off of me.

- Is that everything? - Yup.

Okay. Watch your gages now.

Lots of cars overheat on those roads coming into LA.

I know.

All right, I put a couple of jugs of water in the back.

Just in case. You're welcome.

Thank you.

Come on, she's going away for the summer,

she's not moving to Japan.

I know. I know.

Remember, be safe.

- If you feel tired, pull over and rest. - I will.

Yes, but keep those goddamn doors locked.

Oh, my God, guys. I'm gonna be fine.

I want you to call me every time you stop.

And if you forget, I'm buying a ticket

and coming down there to kill you.

- I know. - Don't ignore your mom.

I won't.

- She'll do it. - I know she will.

And for Pete's sake, don't spend your time

hovered over your computer

or your phone like you do here, all right?

You're 18. Go and get in some trouble.

- Bill? - What?

You know what I mean.

Your father and I want to tell you

we know it's been a hard year, few years, but

we're so proud of you. Right, Bill?

Thanks.

Really, we mean it.

- Go have fun. Be safe. - I will.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Okay.

- Bye, guys. - Bye.

- Be safe. - I will.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Bye!

Well, she's gone.

Should we go have sex?

Where you at now?

Um, something like, Pencildicktown.

I think it's like Bakersfield, or some shit.

I don't know.

Did you hear? Candice is crackhead.

What the fuck?

Can you believe that shit?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, Andy, I'm gonna call you back.

I'm gonna need a greasy-ass cheeseburger and I'm gonna stuff it in my face.

Wake up, nerd.

You scared me, jerk.

How was the drive?

The first six hours were great.

Yeah.

I feel like shit, though.

Like I stepped out of an elephant's mouth.

I've only been asleep for three hours?

Plenty of time.

Just a little bit more, please.

- No! - Please.

No, we got places to go.

So, get fancy, all right?

And call Mom. She's pissed.

Of course she is.

Bathroom. Kitchen. My room.

Yeah, make yourself at home.

Where are we going?

Yago, Death Valley Girls.

Fuck, yes.

Wait, one problem. What's your ID sitch?

- Works fine now. - Okay, cool.

If not, we'll send your ass back, but I think we'll be golden.

I'll stab the doorman if I have to.

I got some friends I think are coming.

They're not gonna be all patronizing, are they?

'Cause I'm really not in the mood.

People aren't like that here, as much.

Right, so listen,

I know Mom sent you down with some money,

and you saved up a little yourself...

And I know she gave you some for me to stay here.

But I think you should look for a job.

I mean, I know you're on vacation

before you decide to do

whatever it is you gonna do with your life,

but I think you're gonna wanna stay here.

With you?

Yeah. Why not?

I mean, you'd move out eventually, I hope.

Or go to college, I guess.

All right, take a shower, go get ready.

Whatever you gotta do, chop-chop.

Let's go.

Yo, hurry up.

They're gonna be here any minute.

All right, just a sec.

Okay.

Yeah, uh, this is out of state, so...

- Sorry. - What's the hold up?

Uh, they were just, uh...

Looks fine to me.

Looks fine to me.

Next, guys.

Thank you. Okay.

Hey, I'm gonna grab something to drink. You want something?

- Yeah, sure. - All right.

Hey!