Raging Midlife

Reach for the stars and knock your opponent far.

Uh-uh, man, I'm off the hook.

Send him to planet Pluto to look down at Mars.

Freak out! Freak out! Yeah.

Now that's an emancipation proclamation.

Yeah, dig it?

Well, I couldn't have said it better myself, Raging Abe.

Back to you, Vern.

Nobody better lay their eyes on the beautiful Mary Todd.

Raging Abe, you been raging for years.

You ever find time to relax?

Mary Todd and I will relax when boys and girls could rage

with reverence towards all colors, creeds, and cultures.

Yeah. And not be reduced to a hurtful stereotype,

like a boy from Brooklyn dressed as a Navajo.

And I'm talkin' to you, Tomahawk!

Yeah, you understand what I'm saying?

Raging Abe is delivering--

Raging Abe.

...the Gettysburg Caress!

Gettysburg!

And adhere to the five emancipations, yeah.

Have respect for your fellow man.

Be good to your folks.

Stay in school.

Don't smoke drugs.

And don't do the crime unless you're willing to do the time,

because the time you got,

may not be that much time at all.

Yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah.

And they call me not-so-honest Raging Abe, but I am.

I am honest and I'm tellin' the truth, man!

We'll be right back.

Now, you're probably thinking this here is a wrestling story.

But you're wrong.

This here is a love story.

It's a story about a tank top.

There it is.

Behold.

Rageamania.

Purple gold.

...for that, Abe.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Wrestlemadness III!

And it all began in 1988.

Hey! Bada bing.

I'm the king of the ring.

Gabagool.

I'll give Tomahawk this much, my boy's got swagger.

Raging Abe's in trouble now.

But I'm not talking about Tomahawk.

His disgraced opponent, not-so-honest--

He's been made the villain.

- ...Raging Abe! - The bad guy.

I never lied!

Whole crowd's turned against him.

Except for those two: Mark and Alex.

Friends for life.

And those lives are about to change forever.

Honey, honey, look at me.

Look at me.

It's gonna be fine.

I love you.

Yeah. Tomahawk, yeah...

Buckle up, kids.

You're about to take a ride.

I've been waiting my whole life for this!

Yes!

- But then, - Alex's little sister happened.

Mindy!

Raging Abe gave that to us!

In your dreams, barf bag.

She's mean.

Give my regards to John Wilkes Booth.

Idiot.

If it's always darkest before the dawn.

-No! -No!

She's five minutes before dawn.

I'm sorry.

-Mary Todd. -Mary Todd.

Shit, honey.

You're close to the pyrotechnics!

Somebody call the fire department!

What are you idiots looking at?

Oh, fuck.

Shit!

-Give me that, asshole! -Hey, kid.

It wouldn't be a very good story if Mindy got over it quickly.

You saved me, Mark.

And you left me to die!

And the shirt was lost forever.

Until one day, all that changed.

Dang.

Echo three to Echo seven, Dave, old buddy, you read me?

Good morning, Alex, you have one new message.

Wakey, wakey, idiot.

I just got back from Africa and bagged myself a white rhino.

Apparently, they're critically endangered.

Hashtag trophy room.

Oh, speaking of trophies, my next conquest is that

Raging Abe shirt you love so much.

Remember it? Of course you do.

The one I fed to the wolves at Wrestlemadness III?

It just went up for sale on Auction App.

Why am I telling you this?

The meat is far more delicious when you give it chase.

I only want it because you do, stupid.

History repeats!

Three eyewitnesses, no alibi, specific intent.

Every element is satisfied.

Your Honor, he is a repeat offender.

Your response, counsel?

Watch this like your life depends on it.

Because if I fuck this up, you do 10 in the pen.

Wait, what?

Your Honor, no warrant,

no probable cause to search my client's shop.

It's a pet store.

It's not a bordello.

It's a clear violation of my client's 4th Amendment rights.

We move to dismiss with prejudice.

Counselor, it is with great reluctance,

I'm gonna grant your motion

as it does look like unlawful search and seizure.

Mr. Winters, that means that you get to go home today.

It does not mean the next time you add to your impressive list

of felonies, I won't slap you with the maximum.

Do you understand:

Yes, Miss, Ma'am, Your Honor.

We good.

Case dismissed.

Congratulations.

-Mary Todd! -Mary Todd!

How we looking on Auction App?

-Ooh, we looking good, baby. -Okay.

While you were talking to the judge,

I paid an extra hundred bucks

out of your account for auction sniper.

It's all right.

It seems to be working.

Check it out.

Damn you, but I love it.

Love it. Denise.

Well, it looks like you're finally

out of your losing slump.

Well, it does help that the prosecutor is dating my client.

Not at all.

I would have put Mark away for a decade if I could.

-Ooh. -Why?

You were in court swiping a dating app in front of me.

No! I was swiping in Auction App, and we found the shirt.

Is this about that wrestling shirt?

I was gonna ask the judge for the maximum.

Yes, it's about that wrestling shirt.

The shirt me and Alex have been looking for--

for the last 30 years.

The end all be all of shirts, so...

Huh. The shirt you said you'd, uh, need before settling down?

Yes! No!

Well, I'm glad you said yes.

You see, this is what I've been saying about

effective communication.

So glad we're working on this.

Okay, my turn.

I'm two weeks late.

Let's go get that shirt.

You're not pregnant.

Well, you're the one always saying "condoms make me sad."

They do. And I am.

Status update. Talk to me. How we doing?

-Yeah, okay. -How are we looking?

Let me boot it up here and we are still in the lead, man.

Nice. Nice, how much?

How much are we-- we paying for this?

Uh, well, you're paying $500.

I've got 50--

Hey, hey, hey.

Who's this bidder on our tail "Bald Eagle Killer"?

You left me to die!

Mindy!

No. No.

I pulled her out of the fire.

I should have let her burn!

And now she's gaining on us.

No way she goes a thouser.

Sorry grandma.

No oxygen in the tank this month.

Dude, that is the max.

What do you think about Kevin if it's a boy?

You're not pregnant!

-One minute. -Ooh, look.

Bald Eagle Killer is totally backing off.

Bingo.

What about River if it's a girl?

-No baby. -River. Time.

Time is a river.

It's time.

You have been outbid.

Better luck next time.

What?