Moone Boy

'Some people say that Ireland's big dream is to somehow float

'itself into the middle of the Atlantic,

'so that people will stop confusing it with England.

'Which is only partly true.

'Because Ireland's real dream is to someday win the World Cup.

'And in 1990, we were almost there!

'As in, for the first time, we'd actually managed to qualify.'

That was some game last night.

Amazing. 1-1 against the mighty Dutch.

Another triumphant draw!

Hey, you know what me and the Irish team have in common?

Where do I start? We're both amazing at drawing!

Ha-ha! Yeah.

And word-play!

Yeah, this is what it's all about, buddy.

Passion, patriotic pride,

and poorly-constructed rhymes.

I thought you said it was all about beating the English.

Oh, yeah, it's mainly about beating the English

but it's also about beating the Koreans, Buddy.

That's right. And the bloody Egyptians.

Yeah, and the greasy Italians! Yeah!

Schillaci?

Schillaci!

Schillaci!

Hi, Dad.

Say hello to the holidaymobile.

Borrowed it from Francie Feeley.

It smells like fish.

It's like we're at the seaside already, isn't it, pal?

In a Titanic kind of way.

The funny thing is I'd go quite well with some iceberg lettuce!

See you, lads.

Go on, ya lanky whore!

I would jump on that barely-Irish bastard

like a big sexy bouncy castle.

You started packing yet, Dave? We're still going?

Of course we're still going. What about the World Cup?

We're not cancelling our holiday for some foreign bloody sport.

"Some foreign bloody sport"? Blasphemy, that!

Liam, what you don't understand is it's not just about football.

It's about this country finally coming into its own. Exactly!

Stepping out of England's shadow. Cos d'ya know what?

We don't need them. We don't need anyone.

Don't need anyone.

Yeah, of course yeah you've got to be worried.

We're happy with a draw

and we've got to prove everybody right that it was a good draw for us.

Apart from these English people who do have Irish grannies.

Exactly.

It's a bunch of English lads kicking a ball around in Irish jerseys.

It's not nationalism, it's flagism.

Listen to me, Mr Man.

If you had any sense, you'd be the one printing the flags

and the banners and the T-shirts.

That's right. You need to board the good ship Charlton, Liam,

or you'll be left to rot here on your old island of old rotten shite.

Are you drunk?

I'm a little bit drunk.

Brilliant(!)

Give it a lash, Jack.

Seriously, Liam, I don't want to go to Donegal.

Would it be weird if I stayed here?

And I don't want to watch the World Cup on foreign soil.

I won't understand the commentary.

It's the same commentary! And the same soil.

There's no soil like Boyle soil.

Look what you've done to Trisha!

Jesus. Are you all right, pet?

Talking Heads have broken up.

Her favourite band.

Ya see, she's not upset about Donegal, she's just upset

because some stupid band broke up.

SHE CRIES LOUDLY

You are on a one-man mission to make this family miserable.

Look, we're going. It's holiday time

and there are more important things in life than football.

Name one!

Family! Oh, yeah.

The family needs this, Debs.

Oh, he's good. He is good.

We've had a tough year.

What with Fidelma getting pregnant and Trisha failing her exams

and Martin knocking down the wall, and Sinead... Well, Sinead!

I've done a bunch of stuff you don't know about.

We need this break.

We need to reconnect with the land of our fathers,

and escape the hustle and bustle of Boyle.

Hustle and bustle? COCKEREL CROWS

That! Right there! Manic suburban cockerels crowing willy-nilly.

We need to get away from this racket.

We need a bit of Moone time, Deb.

Yeah. I suppose.

Hi, lads! Will I throw this in the fish wagon?

Well... Moones plus one.

And ye know Dessie is coming too?

Maybe we should stay.

Yeah. Oh, great.

Makes more sense when you think about it.

Come on, lads.

Oh, thank God.

I thought that was me!

HORN BEEPS Martin!

Oh, balls!

Why does Dessie have to come?

Cos Dessie is part of the family now. Sort of.

And Fidelma wants us to spend more time with him.

So why's Padraic coming? It's not like he got one of us pregnant.

Ha! Not yet anyway!

You know it was Martin's turn to bring a friend.

Remember last time Sinead brought the Green Giant?

Don't call her that!

It's not her fault she could only eat peas.

I can only eat peas.

Hi, dudes. Any room at the inn?

Hop in there, Desbo.

Give it a good lift there, love. It's pretty heavy.

Come on, you're not that pregnant!

You're bringing your keyboard?

Well, I know how much you like music, Trisha,

so I thought it might be fun to... Great!

Oh! We're across the border! So long, Roscommon!

Keep an eye on your things, folks.

Time to break out my new holiday look.

It's inspired by Marty McFly in Back To The Future Part Two.

But I'm Martin. If anyone should be Marty McFly, it should be me.

Tell it to last week, Martin.

Oh, wait - only I can do that.

I love it, Padraic. Now all you need is a "Doc Brown"!

Don't worry. I've got that covered.

Who are you meant to be?

Oh, I'm Maradona.

But erm...

Martin got confused.

Irish speakers make me feel weird.

I don't know what they're saying

but I always think they're judging the rest of us.

So, are we stopping soon or do we have a toilet bucket

or what's the craic?

Huh?

Oh. I can feel it coming.

Things are getting loose.

All right, come on, lads.

Martin!

Not too shabby there, Desbo!

Forget to turn off the immersion, did ya?

I got to turn it back on.

Here we are!

Can't wait to explore this futuristic landscape,

see if I can rustle up some plutonium for the journey home.

I suppose I'll just carry on with my work as a doctor of something.

Wait, wait, wait. Why do I need a suitcase?

Careful with that precious cargo.

What?

Is that just soil? No, sir. That is Boyle soil.

Ahh! My own private embassy!

Ah, yeah! Hasn't changed a bit.

Just as awful as I remember it.

Come on, I'll show you where the bedrooms are.

Now you're talkin'!

You know, Trish, I think this break

will really help you get over Chalky Heads breaking up.

Yeah, it's a great house to cry in.

Have they even cleaned this place since we were last here?

No, I don't think they have.

'I can only eat peas.'

I see this little shanty townhouse hasn't changed.

OK, look, if you all want to walk back to Boyle, that's fine by me.

OK. I'll see ye at home so.

Martin, how big is this bloody embassy?

Come on. We're leaving this dump.

Wait, you're running away from home? I'm running away from holidays.

That's not a thing.

I just think if Dad got to know him a better, he'd like him.

I mean, you like him now, don't you? He's one in a million.

Do you think I'm talking about Jack Charlton?

The big JC. Leading us to the promised land.

I'm liking the sound of this chat, lads. Mam?

Sorry. Yes. Dad will come around.

As long as you promise one thing. Anything.

Don't impregnate his daughter.

Sorry, Debs. Never been a man for promises. Don't have the time.

Right. Family activity!

I'm going to the arcade. Right.

The rest of us are going to do something together, so help me God.

Is it a dork fancy dress competition?

Listen to this.

There's an ancient Celtic burial dolmen.

4,000 years old it is.

I mean, what an insight into our nation's history that'll be.

"..and the dolmen is within walking distance of Irish goalkeeper

Packie Bonner's house."

Ole! Let's go honour the Bonner!