How to Be a Gentleman - First Season

I am one of the last of my kind.

Those who came before me, ruled the world.

Everyday, I carry on their proud legacy.

I open the door for a lady,

but I am not a doorman.

I protect fellow citizens...

but I am not a policeman.

I put out cigarettes...

but I am not a cigarette putter-outer...

man.

I... am a gentleman.

Oop.

That was close.

Jerry, hey.

Never miss.

Andrew, I've got some good news.

The magazin's been sold.

When a gentleman receives bad news,

he is never at a loss for words.

What?

Yep. New owners are changing the entire format.

No more urbane and upscale.

We're going young and sexy;

be women in thongs, articles about abs.

Yep, they want to expand the readership

by targeting people who don't read.

This is insane.

How are you taking this so well?

Simple. I'm faking it.

Look, this is unacceptable. You're the editor.

We should both walk in there right now and tell them

we are not changing a thing.

I was thinking about doing that,

I'm 50.

So I decided that I'm actually very, very excited

about the new direction.

As is Cody.

Who is Cody?

Cody is my new boss.

Who, by the way, is the same age as my son.

It's so great!

What do they expect me to do, betray my core ideals and

churn out mindless drivel for the lowest common denominator?

That'd be great.

You're catching on to this much faster than I thought you would.

Your "How to be a Gentleman" is just too tame.

So, Cody would like a sexier angle.

I can't believe this.

I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

Oh, that's cause it is.

Happy birthday, honey.

Oh, isn't it great,

spending your birthday with your family?

Yes, Mom, it is perfect.

Perfect situation to wear a vest, hmm?

Ah...

I read your column, Andrew.

I wanted to wear a vest,

but my wife pooh-poohed the idea.

I'm sorry. I still want to be attracted to you.

Call me crazy.

You really want to be like my brother?

Look at him. He's spending his birthday with us

because he has no friends.

I'll be your friend, Andrew.

We could be "vest friends."

Honey, you're doing it again.

What's that? Talking.

Oh, I love hearing you say words, Mike.

Oh, remember the time you said chimichanga?

We laughed!

Look, I love you, but you're fussy,

you talk weird and you dress like a ship captain.

Oh. Is this my birthday present from you?

'Cause you gave me a huge basket of bitchiness last year, too.

Well, I'm just looking out for you, like I always have.

Oh, like when I was in third grade and you walked

into my homeroom on the first day of school and said,

"Don't beat up my little brother.

He's very weak and has no peripheral vision."

He gets that from me.

I literally can't see this.

See that? I can.

But nothing.

Look, doofus, you're so smart and good and kind,

but the world doesn't know that

because they can't see past your brass buttons.

My uncle had a brass eyeball.

Kept it under a patch,

so it was all, it's all legit.

Peek-a-boo was quite traumatic.

Ah! What is it?

Dude, you drive people away.

That's why Lauren dumped you.

Lauren did not dump me.

I released her at her request.

Her loss, our gain, Andrew.

Plus, I'm sure there's a nice girl out there

that would love to date a lonely ship captain.

I think it's time for birthday presents.

Yeah, birthday presents. Thank you.

This is from me and Mike. It's a gift certificate

for a training session at a gym. Well, that was fun.

A gentleman always uses a gift,

even if he doesn't like it...

or the musty place he has to go to redeem it.

Hi. I have a gift certificate for a training session...

Excuse me-- Andrew Carlson?

Yeah.

Dead arm!

Bert Lansing From high school! Huh?

Me and my buddies used to dead arm you all the time.

You don't remember me?

I remember getting hit, but I don't remember by whom.

Whom? That's great, bro.

That makes me want to dead arm you again.

I was state wrestling champ?

Uh...

I got expelled my senior year?

For credit card fraud?

That's the one.

That was never proven, by the way.

Nice seeing you again, Bert.

I'd shake your hand, but I can't quite lift my arm.

Sure, that's the dead armt work.

Man, I couldn't stand you in high school.

You were the worst. I'm sorry?

Always complaining that the dress code wasn't strict enough.

You tried to get rid of jeans, dude.

That would've killed me.

I only had two pairs of pants back then.

My jeans and my church jeans.

Well, it was good seeing you again, Bert.

I have a private training session,

so I should probably go find my trainer.

Look no further, my friend.

This is my gym.

Bert's Body Shop.

I took the place over from my old man when he got sick.

Cancer of the penis.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. That's...

I'm messing with you, dude.

His penis is fine.

He's retired, but he still

volunteers seven days a week

being a pain in my ass.

All right, let's grab your credit card info so we can

get you signed up for a membership pronto.

The sooner we do that,

the sooner we can get you an adult male body.

As much as I'm enjoying you and these odors,

I'm gonna go now, Bert. So, good-bye.

Wait-wait-wait-wait- wait-wait.

I know this just looks like a regular gym,

but it's way more than that.

See, I got a whole philosophy, bro.

I'm into the whole Asian thing of mind, body and spirit.

Also tanning.

The trainer just ended up being this creep from high school

who beat me up all the time.

Who? Johnny? No.

Steven?

No. Asian Steven?

Is it a bird, Andrew?

Is it a plane?

No, it's Superman!

Get out, Mike.

Well, I better go. Bit gusty today.

Waah!

- Bye. - Bye.

He's super desperate for attention because I'm going out

with Craig from work tonight.

Oh, Janet, come on.

You gotta stop spending time with this Craig guy.

It's just two friends who like to get together

and gossip about their co-workers.

Janet? Janet?

I didn't know we had an escalator installed.

Going down.

Why would superman need an escalator?

I gotta go.

Okay. Love you. Bye.

Andrew. Hey, Jerry!

Cody's been breathing down my neck about your column.

I gotta give him something.

So pitch me your sexy new direction.

No. I will not change my column, all right?

It goes against my principles.

I've got to put my foot down.

Then I'll have to fire you.

What time is it due?

There you go.

Remember, we're going after that demographic Holy Grail:

men in their mid-to-late 30s who act like they're 15.

But I don't know anyone like... Okay, never mind.

This is great, man!

getting together, reconnecting like adults.

I was thinking more of a restaurant, not a strip club.

How are you?

So, what have you been up to since high school?