Butterfly

Max, come on. Daddy's here.

- Got my trainers. - Ooh, he'll be pleased. Lil?

- Don't ask, I'm ready. - Right, have you got everything?

Oh, baby, don't forget those.

- Mum! - Sorry.

You all right?

- Yep. - Cool.

Right. No books, no filthy looks,

no looking on your phone all the time, Lily.

- Dad! - Dad.

Only in an emergency, OK?

- Yeah, my social life's an emergency. - OK.

- Notice anything? - Yeah, haircut.

Look at this. Lot shorter now, turn round.

Look at this handsome young chap, hey?

What a transformation.

Who's that in the car?

That is Gemma.

Who's Gemma?

Well, she wanted to meet them.

You just turned up with some random woman?

Is she your girlfriend?

- OK, go say hello. Go on. - OK.

Come here.

Off you go.

I'm not talking to her.

Look, Dad wants you to, so you will.

What's it like?

- What? - Periods.

Shut up.

Hiya!

- Hiya! - Hiya.

He cut all his hair off for you, you know.

All that lovely hair. You know what that meant to him.

Isn't there a little bit of you that wanted it, too,

or do you just want to do this and have a go at me again?

Is she staying the whole weekend?

That's the plan, yeah.

Bit young, isn't she?

You should have told me.

All right, I'll see you on Sunday.

- Stephen. - Yes?

Have a nice weekend.

Thank you.

So, I photoshopped myself with this app

- to make me look, well, you know... - Perfect.

Good idea, everyone else is doing it, aren't they?

Every bugger on there, pretending it's all great.

Look at me, on the beach in Hawaii.

Gosh, look at Max. He hates football.

Does he?

Yeah, well, he's trying not to, but...

- Two burgers, a Caesar salad, yes? And... - Yeah, yeah.

Warm goat's cheese salad.

Bloody hell, really?

- Yeah. - OK.

Max, you want chips with that burger?

- No, thanks. - He's watching his weight.

Oh, what's that all about?

Footballers don't do carbs, do they?

Is that what you wanna be, you wanna be a footballer?

Yeah, I suppose.

Probably not good enough anyway.

OK, so, er... what do you wanna be?

You know.

An astronaut.

So, what are we doing after lunch?

- Christ, that one's got big jaws. - And teeth!

- It won't break through, will it? - Come on.

Max.

Who'd have thought there'd be a career in baking soap?

I really want to make a go of this, what am I, a part-time teaching assistant?

Stephen's got something new in his life and what've I got?

Soap.

Oh, dear.

I've got you. It'll be all right, come on.

What do I like to do?

Drinking wine in front of a roaring fire.

Or eating fire in front of a roaring wino.

Better!

- Profile pic. - What should I be doing?

- Dancing. - With who?

Just dancing. Show you're still fun, and you're not arthritic.

- Marital status? - Single.

Separated.

Well, you wanna be clear about it.

Separated sounds like you could still be tangled up.

You still are, aren't you?

- I'm just saying, technically... - Are you?

Vicky, you wanna give yourself the best chance.

All right, well, I'll lie and say I'm divorced.

Really lie, say widowed.

Yeah, brilliant.

What's she like?

Well, she's a bit Kardashian goes to Primark.

And she needs her tan streaks sorting out.

Liquid bronze would do the trick.

Bitch!

Behind her boob job.

Why are you being like this, then?

- Cos Dad's made a bad choice. - She's nice.

What are they like together?

- How'd you mean? - Were they...

Lovey-dovey?

Mum, they didn't touch each other once.

She's not a patch on you and Dad knows it, too.

You're a sweetie.

You want to get changed, don't you? Go on.

What's she really like?

She's OK.

Mum...

Do you think it's still a phase? With Max and everything.

I think puberty will sort him out and he'll grow hairs on his chest

and his voice will drop and so will his...

And he's not gonna be seen dead in a pink vest top.

Not even in his bedroom.

Is she better than me?

Solid nine, I'd say.

Nine?

And a half.

- Well, what am I? - Probably, like, a five.

- He doesn't even like blondes. - He does now.

Ready for the first day at big school?

You look really grown up, darling.

Yeah, you look 11.

I look...

How does it feel?

- Is that the right size on the shoulders? - Scratchy.

Can't I wear something else with it?

What, a body stocking?

I mean, like an earring.

Not two, just one, just something else.

- Er, rules. - Yeah.

The school only allows stud earrings and that's only for girls.

Like at ours.

In our house, you get to do girls things, but nowhere else.

How about something they can't see, then?

Well, I can give you one of those.

You can wear that every morning, how about that?

What would Dad give me?

Good luck, son.

It's good you both being here, like this.

- Like what? - Like Mum and Dad.

- We are your mum and dad. - A proper couple, though.

And like a proper family.

Let's get a photo.

Ready?

- Smile! - Bless you.

Anyway, this is your day today, OK?

All right, go on, then.

- You better not, Mum. - Oh, since when?

- Bye. - Bye, darling.

Look after him for me.

Proud?

- Of course I am, that's a silly question. - Is it?

- He's so much better now, isn't he? - He's older.

He'll be OK?

Yeah.

What are you gonna do with all this lot?

I'm going to sell them at a craft fair.

Going into business, are you?

Yeah, that's the idea.

Best just think of it as a hobby, Vicky.

What's the point of making soap for a hobby?

What's the point of making soap, full stop?

I thought you liked being a teaching assistant.

Or is it to take your mind off Max's funny ways?

No, it's not. And Max hasn't got funny ways.

- Darling. Your Nan's here. - Hi.

Hello, Max.

What's he doing in such a hurry?

He's...

He finds his school uniform itchy.

School uniforms are meant to be itchy.

You haven't been to the toilet today, have you?

- Vicky, he's wet himself. - Yes, we know that.

- I think you should go, Mum. - So do I.

No, that was in primary school that you were allowed to use the staff toilet.

This is different and you said that you were ready for different

and you said you wanted that.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, you're going to have to cos this can't keep happening.

You're gonna have to adjust.

I know. I want to.

I don't want, like, special treatment.

I want to be, you know, normal.

It's just...

I know I can't go in the girls' toilet, but...

I can't go in the boys' toilet, either.

All you've got to do is stand there.

It's not about whether I stand or sit.

I want to feel like I belong in it.

It's called a convenience.

It's actually called that. It'll only take a minute.

I think I feel sick.

I don't think I can go to school tomorrow.

No, no, no. I'm not having that. I'm not having the drama.

You're a big boy now, Max.

Am I?

Look, you just go to the toilet.