Veep

North Dakota. We can do this together.

There is no "I" in freedom.

Freedom is not "me-dom."

It's "we-dom."

I visited a dance studio in Hartford, Connecticut.

When I was there, I met a brave firefighter in a wheelchair.

Back then, we didn't know what HIV positive was.

Which meant he had to lose his kidney.

He shook my hand and he said,

"You don't remember me,

"but I am your grandpa."

The next governor of Ohio, Roger Furlong.

- I fluffed 'em, now go fuck 'em. - Oh, shove it.

- All the ladies in the house say "free." - Free!

- All the men in the house say "dom." - Dom!

Thank you! Thank you!

- Wow, this is amazing. - Right?

- It's like a happy Nuremberg. - I know.

Where'd the Red Sea go? That lady just parted it.

Hey, POTUS needs to know about this 'cause Meyer's on fire.

We just lost the Florida third, fifth, and sixth.

Great, so much for the retired mobster vote.

Florida, ought to break it off at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.

Sir, the west coast exit polls are looking bad.

What about New England?

Worse than the JPAC's worst projection, sir.

Are you getting ready to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head?

Uh, no. No, sir.

- Thank you. Thank you, sir. - Yeah.

Dale, I'm so sorry. What are we gonna do without you in the Senate?

Oh, they...

Yeah.

Yeah, you lost, Dale.

Oh, my God.

And, actually, I was told that you'd been told.

Right. Sounds like you're in a public place there, Dale,

so you got to... You got to breathe deep.

Hang in there, buddy. I got to go.

We just lost the New Hampshire first.

Okay, great. Everybody hates us.

You know what? I'm beginning to hate us. I mean, this is POTUS's fault

because, guys, I killed it at every campaign visit, right?

Yeah, you did. My girlfriend said you are a rock star.

There was a lot of love for you on the campaign trail.

- Yeah, a lot of love. - No, not for you, Marjorie.

In fact, that's probably why you lost the New Jersey fifth.

- Good-bye. - You know what?

This is time for POTUS to start honoring

-his ticket promises to me. - Mmm-hmm.

I want my regular

-one-on-one meetings. - Hello?

I want more responsibilities in infrastructure and education reform.

I want an expanded role in deficit reduction talks.

I want a Cartier fucking dildo.

- Hmm? Oh! Oh... - Hey, Ame, are you listening?

Yes. My mom just called.

My dad may have had a stroke.

Oh, my God. Amy, I'm so sorry.

Is he speaking?

Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit.

Oh! Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence.

- Mmm-hmm. - Unless he's slurring his words.

Well, it...

So, do you need to go and be with him?

My mom said he was asking for me, but my sister's there.

Oh, good. Seriously, if you walked in,

can you imagine how stressed out he might be

with like, "What are you doing here? Isn't it time that you be with the Veep?

"It's the freakin' midterms and isn't she gonna take this opportunity

"to expand her role in the White House?" Or whatever he might say.

But if you need to go, Amy, you should go.

- No. I'm good. I'm here. - All right, good.

- So you got what I said before? - Yes, Cartier dildo.

Huh?

Uh, I was thinking about my dad, but I am not now.

You know what? Dana's dad had a knee operation and it was...

Oh, my God, Gary, stop going on about your girlfriend.

Really? Am I that bad?

Yeah, this is you, Gary. "Dana, Dana, Dana, Dana."

Okay. Okay. Okay, Sue. Thank you.

All right, item number one, job share.

We are going co-POTAL, right?

Apparently POTUS Chief of Staff's telling everyone to write their will.

The mood over there is gonna be pretty grim.

- Like Jonestown. - Oh, you know what I want?

I want that lipstick that my stylist recommended.

- Ooh! Miami Sunburst. - Yeah.

So when it hits 2:00 am.

My eyes will say Holocaust,

my mouth will say Carnival.

Does anyone have anything on Ohio?

Or why this fucking Internet is sketchier than our economic forecasts?

That's 'cause your laptop is still running on Windows 2000 and shit.

Okay, this just in from jStat central.

We've got the seventh and ninth in Utah down.

Team Jonah's gonna have that stat watch, okay?

You come to me. Have some nachos and numbers, huh?

Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash

shoving a train wreck onto a crowded highway.

Is this gonna hit the Dow? Maybe I should have bought stock.

Why, you got money problems?

Not money problems, money challenges.

Yeah!

Is that Furlong?

Minnesota. Danny Chung just increased his margin.

Want to bet how long it takes Chung to mention his war record?

No.

Come on. 100 bucks says he drops it in the first five seconds.

And I intend to serve you the way I served

the American people overseas when they needed me.

Oh! Ker-Chung, ker-ching. Pay up. Yeah.

I need something positive, okay? Something to boost morale.

We're ahead on voter turnout in Lake County, Indiana.

What? That's it?

That and the big quake hasn't yet hit San Francisco.

Okay.

Hello, everyone.

Madam Vice President.

Well, I have some good news.

- It seems... - Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout

in Lake County, Indiana. J-dog out.

I'm sorry, Madam Vice President, you were saying?

I was saying exactly that.

Yeah, that'll take the edge off this cornholing.

Everyone, please be seated.

Keep up the good work. Okay? Hey, Ben?

Ben?

Did you borrow Selina's Miami Sunburst, Sue?

- No. - Oh, my God.

- Mike, your phone's ringing. - Could you get it, please?

It's the morning shows. She's not doing them.

This is Mike McLintock's phone.

He's asked me to put you on hold.

If I do not return, then you've got your answer.

Am I disturbing your downtime, Mike?

Give me a break. I'm on eBay.

Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm.

Like she's ever gonna need that.

I mean, she's not ugly, but she's got a lot of security.

Communications is your job, Mike.

I'm in a financial hole, okay?

I bought something I shouldn't have and I can't get rid of it.

- What did you buy? - A boat.

- Is that a euphemism? - No, it's a boat.

It's a leaky fucking boat and no one's bidding on it.

Do not yell at me, Mike. I did not force you to buy a boat.

I have a cracked keel, I have to dry-dock it.

There's a bilge, which I don't even know

- where the fuck a bilge is... - Stop talking about boats, please.

Can someone please help me out for a second? One second.

Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary?

Oh! Use another lipstick.

Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem?

I sell a kidney?

You know what? You know what? Coral Blush.

That's gonna look the same. Coral Blush.

Stay over there.

Ben?

Ben?

- What are you doing in here? - Getting away from the bad news.

Just trying to realign myself.

- You know what I'd like? - Uh-uh.

I'd like to be cryogenically suspended.

Yeah, and then be woken up in the future?

No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.

Are you drunk?

No, I'm just depressed.

All right, look.

I got a plan.

I'm gonna take more of a leadership role on as vice president starting tonight

and I need your advice as how to set that in motion.

Ask Kent.

Kent Dawson?

Yeah, he's back. Senior strategist.

- No. - Yeah.

Do you know what his strategy was two years ago?

Do you remember that? He had me hang with my ex-husband

like we were this normal, loving family.

He made us go river rafting together.

Catherine got giardia.

And I had to listen to Andrew bang that skank on the riverbank all night.

I said to Kent, "Can you make me feel good about this somehow?"

And you know what he does? He points to a graph.

- He is cold. - Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.

Right. When's he coming back?

- Oh, he's back. - What?

He's already squirreled away in an air vent somewhere

with his fucking statistics.

Where? Where's his office?

You know that portrait with the guy who looks like a fat Wolverine?

- Oh, yeah. - It's just one door on the left from there.

- But wait, wait, wait, wait. - What?

You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow?

No.

My good friend POTUS, my Gamma Chi brother,

is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword

and he's gonna tell me to take the sword

and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass.

Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this.

One final item...