I Feel Bad

We all need a way to reset our souls, don't we?

Yeah, I don't have time

to do yoga on the beach at sunset.

This is my idea of relaxation.

I call this pose "the reclining pig."

I get to hold it for 20 minutes a day

when the kids are finally asleep

and David's in the shower.

It's the only "me" time I get

because for every other minute of every day,

someone needs me.

Oh, Emet! Emet! We need you!

Our VR game designs need to be approved

before the concept meeting tomorrow.

You guys were supposed to get me those by 3:00.

Whoa, pretty demanding

for someone who took her sweet-ass time at lunch today.

I took my baby to the doctor.

I held him down while he got shots.

You came back with a lollipop.

It couldn't have been that bad.

The lollipop was my lunch.

Okay, all right. Go ahead.

Put it on the pile. I got this. Yeah, yeah. Go, go, go.

Home stretch until I get to my 20 minutes.

I just have to make dinner, put the kids to bed,

clean up, say hi to the husband...

oh, and pee.

- Like, now. - Mom!

Louie flew his helicopter into my hair!

It's no big deal, Mom. I'll go get the scissors.

- No, no, no... - No, you psycho!

I'll kill you!

Lily, don't call him a psycho!

And Louie, stop being a psycho!

Oh, you're home.

- Yeah. - Good. Listen.

You know how I have trouble reading Caleb at work?

- Yes. - Well, I decided that today

was the day I was gonna show him my new press plan.

This is the part of my day

where David spins out and I reassure.

I call it putting Humpty-David

back together again.

That I like...

actually, that doesn't sound good either.

Oh yeah, Caleb's gonna fire me.

Okay, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey.

Humpty... honey, Caleb is not firing you.

You are the best PR person that airline has ever had.

- I am? - Yes, they are lucky

- to have you. - You're right.

- Yes! - Thank you, you're the best.

- Hey, you know what you need? - What?

- How about a date night? - Yeah.

- How about I just spoil you? - Yeah.

Uh-huh. So just pick a place,

make a reservation, get a sitter,

and I am there.

Oh, I cannot wait.

- Okay, I got it. - I'll get it.

Hi.

It's your neighbor. How are you?

- Listen, Emert... - It's Emet.

Oh. That's weird too.

Listen, Ren and I are off to Budapest,

and I was wondering if you're not, like...

- Mom, she's crazy! - I'm gonna kill you!

Quiet!

If you're not too busy,

would you mind bringing in our packages

and then agitating our compost for us while we're gone?

This globetrotting

needs to stir her own garbage.

Tell her no!

Of course. I'd be happy to.

What the hell is wrong with you, Emert?

Oh, my God, amazing.

Thank you so much, and ciao-maste.

- Bye! - Bye.

I know this looks overwhelming,

but as long as I can get my 20 minutes,

I can handle anything.

Just dinner, clean-up, bedtime,

then a light at the end of the tunnel.

- Hello. - A pipe burst in our condo.

We need to stay here for a week.

Whichever bathroom I use is mine.

I'm battling athlete's foot.

Well, two more annoying things on my plate.

My parents.

Maya, did you remember to bring my fiber?

My love, have I ever forgotten your fiber?

Oh, I've glimpsed our future,

- and I don't like it. - It's bad.

Okay, I can get a bunch of vouchers from the airline

and we can get them a free hotel room

and put them in it for the week.

- A hotel? - Yeah.

What, like they're white parents?

Why don't you just spit on them?

Okay, they are going to stay here,

and it will be terrible.

Deal with it.

As you can tell, we are very excited

about these new character designs.

- Yeah. - Yeah, they're fine.

They're fine. Just fine.

Well, I'm spiraling.

Sorry, check back with me later.

Sorry, guys, they're good.

They're really good, okay? It's just...

with my parents staying, I just...

I have nothing left in the tank.

You know what your problem is?

I just told you what my problem is.

No, okay, your problem is the same problem

- that all women have. - Oh, I know what it is.

- Um, osteoporosis. - Bloating.

- Humidity. - Iron.

- Dryness? - Calcium.

- Uh, itching. - Burning.

- Swelling. - Transvaginal mesh.

- Leaks! - Ah, leaks.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, okay, all those things,

but mainly women aren't entitled enough.

- You gotta take what you want. - It's true.

We socialize girls to be less assertive.

I actually read about a study where they asked women

what part of a human centipede they would want to be,

and half of them wouldn't even answer the question.

Yeah, my point is, you're never gonna get

what you want if you keep acting like a woman.

- You gotta manspread. - Manspread.

Yeah. See, manspreading

is when a guy, or man, sits on a subway

with his legs apart, or spread.

Okay, you don't need

to mansplain manspreading to me.

Look at the wussy way you're sitting right now.

You're too polite to even take up your own chair.

I can take up a chair.

That's not that hard or just, like...

I can do the things that you guys...

it's actually not... that's not even comfortable.

You know what? Manspreading is gross,

and I'm not doing it. I know that I can handle this

in a dignified, lady way.

Like Meryl Streep in everything.

I will just meet everyone's needs and eke out

a teeny tiny break for myself without anyone ever knowing

or getting their feelings hurt.

Yeah, you'd definitely be

the worst part of the centipede.

Those guys were wrong.

Women can be any part of the centipede they want.

I just need to preserve my precious 20 minutes.

I can do it. I can...

Whoa.

What the "fuh"? Mom.

- What the "fuh"? - I'll tell you "what the fuh."

This kitchen has no flow.

Cooking is a dance.

Stove, cooking the oil.

Instead, I'm reaching for the spices,

and plastic bags is what I find.

- Mom. - We're getting hangry.

Grandma says she can't cook until she can dance.

- Mom. - Emet?

I need a bucket and some mild detergent.

Sonny, I asked you to buy some fruit,

not steal fruit from the neighbor's yard.

Who am I hurting?

I'm a quiet squirrel, climbing over fences,

taking what I need.

Something moved!

- Something moved! - Food!

- Food! Food! Food! - Okay, okay, okay!

Okay! Cap it!

I will get take-out. David, keep everyone alive,

but kill whatever's in my dad's fruit.

There. Needs met.

No manspreading required.

See you soon, 20 minutes.

Okay! Hustle up, everybody!

Food's here! Oh, my God.

I need to sleep with you tonight.

- I'm scared. - What?

Channel 12 has footage of this gruesome,

execution-style murder.

Suspect still at large.

- Hey. - What does "at large" mean?

"At large" means he's still out there

and could kill again.

- Dad! - Oh.

Sorry, uh,

he or she could kill again.

Dad... okay, listen to me.

Let go, let go, let go. I can't breathe.

Hey, honey, I will read you