Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Hey, you got anything special going on next week?

Well, let's see... next week.

I like to keep Mondays free for hangovers.

Tuesday, I was planning on getting a haircut,

mani/pedi and a facial.

You know, guy stuff.

Wednesday, I have a meeting with my business manager

to discuss my retirement plan.

And, as you know, Thursday and Friday

are kind of my "me" days.

Why do you ask?

I was thinking, since I have a couple days off,

we could fly to Illinois and visit my parents.

Oh.

I mean, you've only met my mother once,

and you've never met my dad.

That's true.

And I'd really like him

to get to know you before the wedding.

Of course.

Although, sometimes with parents,

I'm better served up as a surprise.

Don't be silly-- he'll love you.

And I'm sure I'll love him.

So, good, we'll fly out.

Illinois, here we come.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, darn it. What?

I just remembered I have an appointment next week.

Doctor's appointment?

Yes.

Yes, a doctor's appointment.

Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just a routine procedure I've been putting off.

What do you mean, like a colonoscopy?

Yes, exactly.

A colonoscopy.

Oh, Charlie, you can't put that off.

No, no. No.

I want to meet your dad.

I've been putting off getting a colonoscopy for years.

Forget it, mister.

You're keeping that appointment.

But what about meeting your dad?

We'll do it another time.

Are you sure?

Your health is the most important thing.

I know how you procrastinate.

I do, don't I?

Boy, what would you do without me to take care of you?

Well, I'm pretty sure

I wouldn't be getting a colonoscopy next week.

* Men. *

Hey.

Hey.

You're not going to believe what I just did.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

All right, let me see if I've got this straight.

In order to not spend time with your fiancée's parents,

you're willing to let a doctor

snake a camera up your keister.

I'd be willing to let them shoot an IMAX feature.

But, fortunately, it won't be necessary.

Oh, how do you figure? I have a plan.

Oh, a plan.

The day of the "procedure,"

you're going to pretend to drive me to the "hospital."

But we're not going to the hospital.

Precisely.

What we'll actually do is go to the movies.

Then, afterwards, we'll go out for a couple of drinks,

so when I get home, I'll be appropriately woozy.

And I'll tell Chelsea

that my colon is clean as a whistle.

You know, a whistle that you swallowed,

then blew out your bunghole.

Sure.

And then, she'll put me to bed.

I'll get some "Oh, poor Charlie" sex,

with her being ever mindful of my tender area.

Wow.

This is a new low, even for you.

Now, now, to be fair,

it's only a new low in this relationship.

True. True.

Can I pick the movie?

Fine.

Do I get snacks?

Yes.

I'm paying for everything.

Why do we continue to play this game?

Because I still have my pride.

No, you don't.

Charlie, you okay?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I was just reminding Alan

that he has to take me in for my colonoscopy.

Oh, that's not necessary. I'll take you.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I don't want you wasting your time off

in a doctor's waiting room.

Don't be ridiculous. I'm driving you.

Now, come back to bed.

Good plan.

* Men. *

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

I need a colonoscopy, and it has to be next Wednesday.

Yes, I'll hold.

Can you believe it?

Their hold music is "Tunnel of Love."

It's better than "Brown Eyed Girl."

Oh, God, I hope I can get an appointment.

Maybe you should grease a few palms.

If it was me, I'd be greasing everything.

Yeah, hi.

Well, great, great.

Wednesday, 8:00 a.m.

Thank you, thank you.

You've made me very happy.

Yeah, I imagine you don't hear that too often.

What?

Yeah, fine, fine.

I-I-I won't eat on Tuesday.

What do you mean, flush out my system?

Oh, ick.

All right, I'm a little less happy now.

Good-bye.

You won't believe what they want me to do.

You mean taking laxatives and drinking a half gallon

of industrial strength Colon Blow?

Oh, right, you've done this before.

It seemed funnier then.

I got to tell you, it seems pretty funny now.

Why don't you just tell Chelsea the truth?

What, that I'd rather get violated by a long metal tube

than spend time with her folks?

Somehow, I don't see her taking that

in the spirit in which it was intended.

True, true.

Well, I've said it before,

and I think I need to say it again.

Good plan.

* Men. *

Why isn't Uncle Charlie eating?

He has to fast before he goes to the doctor's tomorrow.

Is he okay?

Oh, yeah.

He's just getting a routine test.

They're taking a look at his intestines.

How do they do that?

Well, what they do is, they take a tiny camera

and put it on the end of a tube...

Why don't we eat first?

Good idea.

Well, I'm happy to report

I just saw a piece of Hubba Bubba

I swallowed in fifth grade.

Oh, for God's sake, Charlie, we're having dinner.

Don't rub it in.

Speaking of which, I'm out of baby wipes.

I bought you two boxes of baby wipes.

What can I tell you?

Babies don't crap like this.

At least not healthy babies.

There's a jar of aloe vera under the sink.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Oh, you put a little glob

on the end of your finger... Alan!

It's cooling and soothing.

Oh, good, good.

'Cause let me tell you--

you could roast a marshmallow on my anus.

You know what'd be good for dessert?

S'mores.

* Men. *

How come I'm not loaded?

They're supposed to get me loaded

before they do it, right?

Yes. They'll hook you up to an IV

right before the procedure.

All right, just so we're all on the same page,

I want to be stone-cold out before anything goes in.

I'll tell them.

All I get is a glass of wine and a "pretty please."

All right, Mr. Harper, we're ready.

Did you bring the drugs with you? Oh, no, sir.

The anesthesiologist takes care of that.

Good luck. Thanks.