American Dad!

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ good... ¶ good morning, usa ¶

Aah!

Ah, damn it!

This country's gone to hell since the democrats took over.

They just throw money at anyone who asks for help.

I know, it's wonderful!

Name's fantasia lopez.

I'm on my way to welfare to get some free stuff.

Don't you worry, babies.

Momma's gonna get some food stamps

So you can get the milk duds you need.

Look, roger's clearly taking advantage,

But social programs are important.

Social programs are a crutch.

Bailing out people too weak to help themselves.

good point, nose.

You see, I have a cold, but I'm going to work.

I'm not crawling around the house

Like david hasselhoff trying to eat a hamburger.

hey, dad, before you leave,

Can you help me with my homework? No!

Everyone asking for help.

Don't study things you can't grasp!

Honey, I'm late for the supermarket.

Can you get my zipper? No!

Don't wear clothes you can't manage!

She's choking!

Dad, do something! No!

Don't eat food you can't handle.

Do not help her, francine.

Come on, hayley, you can get yourself out of this.

See, she saved her own life.

Oh, three-second rule.

Ugh, hayley, you know I don't like turkey sausage.

Why'd you give me this?

Oh, thank you, greg.

Why don't you come in for a bit?

We're having mimosas.

On a Monday? What's the occasion?

We always have brunch.

It's the most important gay meal of the day.

It's the only meal of the day for me.

I'm gay fat.

I'm straight thin, but I'm gay fat.

Next, we pull back the muscle flaps.

I-I can't do it.

Oh, come on, he's a friendly guy!

¶ hello, my baby ¶

¶ hello, my honey ¶

¶ hello, my ragtime gal. ¶

You are so cute!

We should hang out some time after school.

Listen, I'll say this for your own good

'cause you're new here.

I'm a nerd.

I know.

Nerds are kind of my thing.

If you think that was nerdy, check this!

¶ when the pimp's in the crib, ma ¶

¶ hop it like it's hot, hop it like it's hot ¶

¶ hop it like it's hot ¶

Snoop froggy frog.

You're still on board, right?

You sure you won't have one more?

Thanks, but I'm a bit tipsy as it is.

It's bad enough I peed in your shower.

Bye!

Oh... What did she just say?

Hiya, francine!

You should move your car.

It's street cleaning today.

Oh, thank you, al.

I'm afraid that was an illegal u-turn, ma'am.

Oh, come on, I live right there.

Can't you just give me a break, pig?

That is not my name, ma'am.

oh, forgive me, officer figpucker.

I... I'm drunk is all.

Francine!

Oh, stan, thank god.

Did you pay my bail yet?

Oh, no.

I just came to visit.

You know I don't believe in bailing people out.

So, have you traded bras with your cellmate yet?

What? Like at summer camp.

You think girls trade bras at summer camp?

I would.

I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras

And trade up for something lacey.

Stan, listen, it's okay for people to ask for help.

Like when they're in a drunk tank

With a guy who calls himself "mr. Businessman."

I'm wearing a suit, you see.

Francine, I'm sorry,

But you need to get yourself out of this mess.

Now, I've got to go home and nurse this cold with some soup.

¶ chunky beef. ¶

Want me to be your husband?

You're right to make me earn it.

There's our little jailbird now.

See, she got out all by herself,

And I bet she's a better person for the experience.

They branded me with a shamrock, stan.

I'm a member of the aryan lassies now.

So, mom, how'd you get out of jail?

Well, I went before the judge,

And she sentenced me to community service.

So, I'm working at a soup kitchen starting today.

Soup kitchen?

No, no, no, it's wrong to feed starving people.

It takes away their motivation.

The system works!

I need to be over there.

I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso

Till I catch me a man.

Out of my way, bums.

Stan?

This is the soup my wife is serving for dinner.

That makes it my dinner.

This is my soup.

You'll have to find something else to spill

On the outermost of your five coats.

Looks like a whole lot of soup.

Who are you, the damn soup police?

I deserved that.

No, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm just trying to nurse this cold.

You know, I'm in the pharmaceutical business.

I might have something that'll make you feel better.

This'll clear you right up.

I see, it's some sort of heated inhalant.

Wow, you're right, I feel great!

Whoo!

Any chance I could get some of that cold medicine to go?

Sure thing.

No need, pal.

First time's free.

Whoo!

I feel strong enough to drag a mattress

Into an abandoned building!

Hey, as long as you're giving out crack,

How about you throw a little din g-a-dong-ding-ding

Old crackhead booboo's way?

Not now, mom, I'm working.

No, it's not crazy.

What else would girls be doing at camp?

Okay, everyone, it's time for the cia obstacle course.

Once outside, you'll navigate every obstacle

You'll encounter in the field in afghanistan.

I set it up while you were at lunch.

You rascal!

You said you had paperwork to go over.

I know! hot dog!

Hmm, don't want this cold

Getting in the way of my performance.

On your mark, get set, go!

Whoo! Yeah!

Whoo!

The typical afghani market bazaar

Has hidden dangers everywhere.

The stitching is fantastic.

This would really look great...

He likes you, picture?

Stan : Yeah!

Good work, smith.

Whatever you're doing, keep it up.

Look what you've done!

She was my pet!

Her name was hot sauce,

And I loved her!

I hope someone breaks your neck one day, you murderer!

Yeesh. I know, right?

Let's see, I couldn't use the "f, " so I subtract three points.

I know something you can use the "f" for.

Oh, my!

You kids having a good time?

hello, sir.

Lovely day, is it not?

Will you excuse us, jeanine?

Mr. Winthrop,

I wasn't trying anything, I swear.

That's a pity; jeanine likes you.

Uh, what?

Steve, I understand young love.

My daughter wants to be with you intimately,

And I'm here to tell you that you have my blessing.

Oh, god, I'm gonna pass out.

If you and my daughter get physical, I only ask

That you do it safely, under my roof.

Okay. Jeanine?

jeanine?!

Of course, I'll have to meet your parents first.

I'll organize a dinner

For our families in a few days.

And son?