Nurse Jackie

Previously on "Nurse Jackie"...

- Coop will not start twittering. - Dr. Cooper lodge a formal complaint against you.

- Against me? Really? For what? - Insubordiantion and general bitchiness.

- Are we on time? - No, we're good. Just don't get fancy.

- What do we got? - Jackie, really, go.

I tried to kill myself.

- I OD'd on some drugs trying to get a girl's attention. - Man.

I'm executive of my mother's estate

and as such, it would mean the world

if I could set up a college fund for the girls,

if for no other reason than taxes.

Your mom and I went to high school together. - Yes, we did.

- A million years ago. - Oh, half a million.

She was the homecoming queen.

She said that her mom was dad's girlfriend before you.

Oh, please.

There's been a problem with shrinkage.

And frankly, any shrinkage makes us all look bad even if it's just imodium.

And it's never just the imodium, people.

What is hospital policy regarding lost or found drugs?

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

Oh, why so desperate?

Do you want to get your ass kicked?

I don't think these are done.

She's making our cupcakes flat.

Stop doing that, Fi.

Maybe I should try one.

No way. -

- Hello. - Hello.

No, wait. Stop.

Kaitlyn?

- So? - I'm less than thrilled.

Well, I thought we agreed that it was good for Grace

to have play dates with her friends.

And right now she only has one.

So...

- That looks like fun. - Uh-huh.

Grace's tuition is killing us.

Well, about that, O'Hara's mom died and left her some money

and she wanted me to ask you about setting something up for the girls.

No.

I know she's your friend, but no.

You don't think we should at least think about it?

Money always comes with strings, Jackie.

- Not always. - We took money from my mom and your mom.

Both times we regretted it.

Yes, that is true.

Can we at least mull it over for a little while?

You want me to mull over taking money from a crazy person?

- She's not crazy. - She lives in a hotel.

- Because she's rich. - Most rich people live in houses

- or high-rises or villas, not hotels. - That doesn't make her crazy.

Mm-hmm.

By the way, that little Kaitlyn in there is a big, fat snot.

That's all I'm saying.

I'm keeping an eye on it.

You're a good dad.

I know.

Oh Jesus, Kaitlyn, you scared me.

Grace said there was a bomb shelter down here.

I wanted to see if she was making it up.

Kaitlyn honey, Grace does not make things up.

Grace worries a lot about things that don't even make sense.

You should probably get her some help.

Ah, is that right? Are you a shrink?

What was that thing you just did with the straw?

Kaitlyn, you were not supposed to have seen that.

It was a trick that nurses use

to dry up their tear ducts.

Why do you need to dry up your tear ducts?

Because we see a lot of pain and suffering during the day

and the last thing we want to do

is come home and cry in front of our families.

I need a hug.

Can I have one?

Oh, I made some tater tot hot dish so I thought I'd bring some over.

Kaitlyn says you guys order a lot of pizza.

Well, we happen to love pizza.

- Doing the bills, huh? - Every month.

Mm, I wish my husband did the bills.

The girls are in the kitchen.

In the kitchen.

Ooh, don't those look yummy?

Yummy yummy yummy yummy.

Well, thank you for coming over.

- These are for you. - Oh, thank you.

I can't wait to taste them.

Grace doesn't want any, so can I have hers?

You don't want any, Grace?

Kaitlyn and Fi touched them with their bare hands

and filled them full of their bacteria.

I washed my hands, Grace, right in front of you like you told me to.

She made me wash my hands.

Well, washing your hands is sanitary.

Thank you for setting such a good example, honey.

But washing your hands every two minutes is kind of crazy,

- if you ask me. - Ooh, that's a lot.

Not if you don't want to get swine flu and probably die from it.

You know, I am a nurse and she has a good point.

You can never wash your hands too much.

Well, we should probably be going.

Thank you so much for having Kaitlyn.

Sure, you bet.

We'll just say goodbye to Kev. Bye-bye.

We are so not eating that.

If anybody asks, Fiona's allergic to potatoes.

- No, I'm not. - So you want me to lie?

Honey, there are good lies and there are bad lies.

It's a little complicated.

So what are you shopping here for?

This stuff costs 10 times more than at a real grocery store.

Okay, buddy, I'll be honest with you.

I was worried about you.

You took an overdose and had to have your stomach pumped.

Did you do it 'cause of, you know, this place?

No, I didn't do it because of this place.

Whatever you say, bro.

I'm just here to support, not judge.

Hey, prepare for a mind explosion.

Hmm?

I'm on the list of the top 25 docs of all Manhattan.

I don't know what to say about that.

Yeah, I know. Right?

I bought all this crap so I wouldn't,

you know, get you in any trouble with your boss.

I am my boss.

You are? They pay you decent?

- That's personal, Coop. - Come on, seriously?

With me, there's no such thing as too personal.

I already knew that about you, Coop.

We kind of have a shorthand, right?

Don't you think? A little bit, hmm?

You and me.

Sending somebody a text?

Nope. Tweeting.

- Ah. - Just letting people know where I am.

- What people? - My followers.

I have 240.

You should try it. A guy like you would probably have 100 at least.

Nah, no thanks.

So just so you know, if you need anything,

if you just want to talk, you're on my way to work.

I can drop in anytime you want.

So anyway, who told you? Was it Jackie?

It's all over the hospital that you tried to kill yourself.

Shit.

No worries, man. I sent out a tweet saying you were totally alive.

Please don't do that.

All right. It's probably pretty much still an open wound for you.

But Jackie told you, right?

No, I think it was Thor... the diabetic.

So did she say anything... Jackie?

Truth be told, we're not exactly talking at the moment.

In fact, I had to file a complaint against her with Akalitus for insubordination.

I will crush her!

Well, I should get to work.

- You sure you're okay? - Yeah.

Listen, sometimes I get migraines.

I mixed some meds, I drank a few beers.

It was mistake, no big deal.

I'm good. In fact, I'm great.

Tell everybody or not.

- Whatever you say, bro. - All right, man.

- Hey. - Yeah.

So anyway, she left the house, I just chucked the whole thing in the garbage.

I know that if she had her way,

she would be Mrs. Ginny Payton;

I would be going home to some other dude.

Well, if you want to avoid people from your past,

I recommend moving to another country.

Worked for me.

Another thing: I don't want Kaitlyn's snottiness to rub off on Grace.

Snot is viral. Snottiness is not.

So anyway, I talked to Kevin about your idea of the gift for the girls

and I... it just makes him uncomfortable.

Do you know what would make him really uncomfortable?

A daughter who's a lap dancer.

Take the money. Get them an education.

Okay.

"25 best doctors in Manhattan"?

"#23. All Saints Hospital. Dr. Fitch Cooper"?

How did this happen?

It's a bloody outrage.

Where the fuck am I?

- What do we got? - Dog bite.

Severe facial laceration. Lost a lot of blood.

Heart rate's through the roof.

This guy wasn't bitten. He was mauled.

Great Dane bit him in the face after he tried to resuscitate it.

He tried to resuscitate a great Dane?

The garden. North Hampton dog show.

Dog had a heart attack during " best of breed."

Danes are inbred and have oversized hearts.

The guy's wife is out there freaking.

On my count: One, two, three.

- What'd he say? - I have no idea.

- I.V. morphine. - And page maxillo-facial.

That's because he can't just say "plastics."

My nuts.

Did he just say "my nuts"?