The Jim Gaffigan Show

Good morning, Jim.

Hey, how do you manage to keep that

"just rolled out of bed" look working the entire day?

Oh, it's some skill and a whole lot of, "I don't care."

Well, in that case, you're killin' it.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Did you find a few more Dalmatians for your coat?

Not yet, unfortunately. No,

I am happy because I just got some great news.

Oh.

Don't you want to hear my news?

- Nah, I'm good. - Okay.

You know how I'm friends with Andy Cohen, right?

I-is that the good news?

Andy just recommended me for "Million Dollar Listings."

No way.

What's "Million Dollar Listings"?

Bravo, Jim, Bravo.

Are you sarcastically praising me or talking about the network

that features drunk women in their 40s?

Ooh. Hi.

Jeannie, "MDL."

Oh, my God, they want you

- on "Million Dollar Listings New York"? - Ugh!

How'd you get that from that?

Well, of course they want you, Daniel. You're a brilliant,

- savvy, stylish New York realtor. - Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

How long has Daniel been trying to find us an apartment?

But wait, aren't you dating Andy Cohen's ex-boyfriend?

I mean, yes, and it was a little tense in the beginning, but you know what,

Andy's fine with it, and honestly, he's Andy Cohen.

I mean, there's a lot of pirates circling that booty.

So are they actually considering you to be a series regular?

Uh, no, Jeannie, they're not considering me.

Andy said they're making me an offer.

What?

- Oh, my God, you look hot. - Thank you.

The guy at the construction site across from Whole Foods thought so too.

You got catcalled? Jim, did you hear that? Your wife got catcalled.

- Huh, congratulations, honey. - No, Jim.

Somebody objectified your wife.

Are you sure they were talking to you?

I mean, b-b-because you're so hot.

You're like a bright, shiny...

I love you, honey.

- I love you in that coat. - Anyway, I saw the guy.

He was up on the scaffolding wearing an orange hoodie,

obviously a total perv.

I hate pervs.

Well, I, for one, think catcalling

- is always wrong. - I agree.

Unless it's a guy catcalling me

'cause he saw me on "Million Dollar Listings."

Oh, Jim, you don't have to go and defend my honor.

Okay.

Then I guess I'll just meet Dave for lunch.

But if you want me to avenge your honor,

you text me where, but I'm going east,

and Whole Foods is west, so...

Oh, Jeannie, I forgot to tell you.

I'm gonna be famous!

- Ah! - Whoo!

Hey, Stevie.

You watched "Making a Murderer," right?

No, I haven't seen it yet.

Amazing, right?

There's a janitor here that looks just like him.

I'm, like, freaking out.

Wisconsin is so creepy.

I feel so sorry for you growing up there.

Ah, I'm not from...

Why did you call?

Oh, I called because I have amazing news.

Are you sitting down?

Yeah, I-I'm sitting down.

I have a movie audition for you.

You would play the former boyfriend/childhood crush

of a very sexy female lead that ends up being

a passenger in the cab you're driving.

Our female lead would look at you,

notice you've totally let yourself go

and realize she doesn't want to live in the past anymore.

The character has two lines.

I played that same character in "13 Going On 30."

I know; that's how I got you the audition.

Why would I want to audition to play

the same humiliating character I played in another movie?

Why would people live in Wisconsin

when the judicial system is obviously corrupt?

Err... look, I'm gonna pass, all right?

Ah, I gotta go.

Um, okay. I don't want to push you Wisconsiners.

I don't want to get murdered.

Just kidding.

Why wouldn't you audition, man?

I don't understand when you became such a snob.

I mean, you-you played a guy who pooped with the door open

on "Sex and the City."

Did you audition for that?

- Yeah, I did. - Really?

How do you audition to go to the bathroom?

That probably contributes to me not wanting to go on this audition.

Ah, don't be such a baby. It's two lines.

Two Sandia, please.

It's the principle. It's humiliating.

Why do they need me to audition for a character I've played?

- I don't know. - Auditioning's like stripping,

except nobody gives you a dollar.

A dollar? What kind of half-rate strip joints you been going to?

Whichever one your mom's working at that week.

- You only been giving my mom a dollar? - When I feel generous.

All right, listen, you know, you're lucky you're a character actor.

I never go on auditions. There's more roles for character actors.

- Character actor. That's just code for - Yeah.

- "not good-looking." You know - Oh, come on.

who else is a character actor? Gumby.

Hey, listen, acting is about types, you know. I mean, we're different.

I'm more like a funny leading man type, you know.

I-I lose roles to Ben Stiller

and, ah, what's his name, Franco, James Franco.

Must be nice to be as delusional as you.

It isn't bad.

Anyway, you're gonna judge me?

You the guy who refuses to defend his wife against a catcaller? Not there.

Well, what could I have done?

What could you have done? You could've done something,

you know. I mean, it's a... it's a heinous act, that catcalling, you know.

I mean, the guy's probably not a threat, right? But does she know that?

- I never thought about it like that. - Yeah, yeah, man. I mean,

women are, like, defenseless creatures, you know, especially the hot ones

with the massive Zambonis, you know. It impedes their running.

- You're joking, right? - Yeah, I'm totally kind of joking.

Stevie, if this is about the cab driver audition, the answer is still no.

Agreed. You've done that.

You are not auditioning to play a cab driver.

By the way, did you ever see "Taxi Driver"

with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah?

That was "Taxi."

I know Jimmy has his own talk show now,

but it would be so amazing if they did a "Taxi Driver 2," right?

I... I don't know.

The reason I was calling is I have an amazing opportunity.

You know Alex Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin.

He is doing a major motion picture,

a drama, and they want to see you for one of the leads.

- A lead? - Jim, this is the type of role

that can change a career.

The director's been nominated for, like, every award.

I'm kind of obsessed with him.

His name is Philippe... something French.

A lead in a drama?

Er... this is more like it.

They haven't released the full script, but I'll send you your pages.

- This is your big break! - Thanks.

You know, I've been thinking about it. And Daniel is right.

It's just rude to catcall.

It's harassment.

What kind of world are we living in where a woman, where a mother of five,

can't even walk home without being verbally assaulted by some creep?

Yeah. It's ridiculous.

You know what?

I'm gonna go back there.

And I'm gonna give that orange hoodie guy a piece of my mind.

I'm gonna humiliate him.

I-is that safe? Maybe I should...

have someone go with you.

No, I can take care of myself.

Can't believe you might be a lead in an Alec Baldwin movie.

It's pretty cool.

But this scene, it...

- Oh, here, let me read it with you. - Nah, I'm... I'm all right.

Which character are you? Are you Carl?

Uh. No, I-I-I'm the other guy, uh, "Ooglay."

Ugly?

Your character's name is Ugly?

Is that how you pronounce it? I thought it was "Ooglay."

U-G-L-Y, Ugly.

"A balding, pasty, repulsive troll of a man ambles into the room.

"Carl, disgusted, says, 'Jeez, Ugly, you really stink.

"Have you showered this week?'"

- Do you think I should go in on this? - No, that's not your line.

- You say, "Well..." - No, I know that's not my line.

Th-this is insulting.

Well, it's a character, Jim.

And it is the best acting opportunity you've ever been offered.

But I haven't been offered it. It's an audition.

And I don't know if I want to play a character named Ugly,

and I certainly don't want people to know I'm auditioning

to play a character named Ugly.

But if you get the role, you could be the lead in a major motion picture,

a drama, Jim.

And if you don't, no one will know.

You... you really think I should audition

to play a character named Ugly?

I think you could really nail it.

Daniel, I'm Bart, Andy Cohen's assistant.

- Hi, Bart. - You're Trevor's new boyfriend, right?

That's me.

Andy's not here, but he's so excited