The Wizards of Aus

Sticks and stones may break my bones

but this story may break your heart.

Good evening and welcome to a very special

edition of No Nonsense.

This past month has been dominated by a single story,

the fate of one little boy, Baby Bones.

The product of a dark wizard's curse,

Baby Bones was rejected by his biological parents

simply because he was born without skin.

On tonight's episode we take an exclusive look

at the life of Baby Bones and his adoptive parents.

A Channel Bueno exclusive, let's take a look.

Me and Harry had been trying for a baby

ever since the wedding,

but it just wasn't happening.

Adoption seemed like the only way

for us to have a real family.

And the orphanage just broke our hearts.

So many beautiful children who needed

the loving care of parents.

But there was one child who needed love

more than any other.

That child was Baby Bones.

Yep.

- It's been a little over two months

since the couple adopted the innocent child,

unaware of the celebrity status the media had

cruelly forced upon him.

We would like to go up.

Hopefully.

Baby Bones get down from there.

That's our Baby Bones.

- Hello this is the mobile telephone of Jack.

May I ask to whom that I speak?

Hey Jack, I'm at the studio already.

Where are you?

I'm sitting in my motorized vehicle

in a seemingly endless queue of other

motorized vehicles, and it is boring

and it feels natural and it just feels right.

- Okay yeah, they have run the Baby Bones retrospective.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck is right Jack.

Look, wizards aren't in the public's good graces right now

and if you don't get to this interview on time,

Quinn is gonna tear you a new one.

Are you sure you can't get here any faster?

They've got fish and chips.

I don't know what to do.

I'm stuck in a traffic jam.

Fuck okay, so Baby Bones has reared his ugly head again.

Did the show make us look that bad?

- Of course his life would be easier with skin.

Of course I wish those damned awful wizards hadn't cursed

an innocent child to live without skin.

But he's my Baby Bones.

I wouldn't change him for the world.

Excuse me.

Baby Bones stop eating the cat this instant!

Look um, I'm not gonna lie.

Hilde was more on the Baby Bones bandwagon,

the triple B.

However, I love my wife.

And now I love my son.

My son who is a Baby Bones.

Nutritionists weren't quite sure what would sustain

Baby Bones, but after some research into the occult,

Hilde and I discovered that he really likes something

we like to call four blood salad.

Basically you take the blood from an animal,

put that in a bowl, and you take the blood from

another animal, put that in a bowl.

Followed by two more types of blood.

A little pinch of nutmeg, give it a stir,

and you've got yourself a salad.

It's actually a recipe from Curtis Stone's new book.

It's a weird shift from his previous books.

Aww, my two boys.

- I was hoping they had forgotten about Baby Bones.

I mean well that's it. I'm fucked.

I'm completely, utterly, shittingly fucked.

Just get here ASAP Jack.

I'm stuck in fucking traffic.

- Technically you're not in traffic, you are traffic.

What possessed you?

- What possessed you to turn that baby into a bones?

I mean of all your plans to fuck me,

that one's fucking me rotten.

It's fucking me frontways.

It's fucking me sideways.

Thanks to you I'm pretty much a big soggy

fuckbag of cum.

Well you're very welcome, Jack.

I don't do that for everyone.

And now on the one nationwide interview

that I've booked, my one chance to redeem myself,

I'm gonna miss it 'cause I'm stuck in traffic.

- Aw yeah I heard there was a big accident up there.

It's caused all this traffic.

Also I saw it.

Also I did it.

Why don't you just teleport there?

I mean use a bit of, you know, as the French say

they'd just say magic wouldn't they?

I mean they're French.

They're people.

They're fucked but they're people.

Or I could just sit down

like a civilized person and wait.

Because you're an idiot.

And just to show you how idiot you are,

I'm gonna skip across the globe.

Excuse me.

I'm back.

Gee whiz I had a lot of fun.