Archer

- Yam! Yom! Yom! - Stop. Stop it.

- Yah! Huh! Yum! Yum! Yum! - Pam!

Yum-yum-yum! Yum-yum-yum! Gimme! Gimme!

Yum-yum! Gimme! - Goddamn it, will you

- calm the shit down?! - Wow.

Well?! This isn't good practice.

My baby's not gonna be a coke addict!

- Wow. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- What would you like to call it? - Mm, cocaine enthusiast?

Is it too late to not have it?

Yes! For the jillionth time, I want this baby, so...

Well, sure, now. Wait until you're waist-deep in

dirty diapers, or he's up with the croup and there's no bourbon

in the house.

Ugh! Then fast-forward to him

knocking up the au pair, flunking out of college, and

then singlehandedly bankrupting your drug cartel!

- Wait-- college? - Yeah, right?

- My point is... - All babies should

- be drowned? - Not all babies.

- Just baby people. - Don't you have a...

- tractor pull to headline? - Yes.

- No! - Aw...

No more of that bush-league nonsense.

We're getting Cherlene a record deal.

- Sterling can't screw that up. - Look, I think maybe

Archer's just been trying too hard.

- Ha! - I'm serious. I mean,

as sad as it is, deep down, he just wants your approval, and

lately you've been putting so much pressure on him.

Well? How hard is it to sell 2,000

measly pounds of cocaine?! Or whatever we're down to now,

1,900 and... What?! Pam! You damn coke fiend!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Malory, stop! - I mean, did you used

- to be a man? - Pam?

- I don't know. Did you? - Have you been

- stealing coke? - Wha...? No!

You think, if I had 100 pounds of coke, I'd be sitting here

playing choo-choo-spoon with a tranny?

Oh, for the...! I'm pregnant!

It said, baffling medical science.

- Ow! - Enough! But, Pam,

I swear to God, if I find out you're lying to me...

- I'm not! About this! - Well, then where the

- hell did it go?! - Oh, you were serious?

- Yes! - No! Stop!

- Gimme! - Archer, move your...

- Ray! - Stop it!

Let me do it! Come on! Just for a minute!

- No! - Goddamn it!

- What could go wrong?! - Uh, you could

crash it! Just like you crashed

- the damn space shuttle! - Oh, my

God, right? Remember that?

Ray, you remember? You got paralyzed?

How do you not remember that?

Oh, my God, Cyril, for the... We're not just

waltzing into Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine.

We're sneaking in under the radar.

Literally and figuratively.

- I... - Is there a name

for that when it's both? Like in French or something?

I meant once we get there!

Your plan is to just ask around for...?

La Madrina, yes, the Godmother.

- I know what it means. - I hate I took Latin.

Maybe someday you'll meet a mummy.

But what do you think is gonna happen when three

gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman

- who runs the entire Cali cartel? - Well, again, Cyril,

- we won't actually be waltz... - You know what I mean!

I also know what I'm doing!

Yeah, showing mommy who's a big boy.

What?!

Oh, you want to see who's a big boy?

Archer!

- Take it back! - Cyril, help!

Uh, uh... Oh.

Ow!

Ow! I don't know where Archer is!

Then find him, you bearded buffoon!

Use the... the surveillance satellite.

Oh, you were serious?

- Wha...?! - Don't ask her that.

- She hates it. - ISIS had satellites.

The whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn't Sell Coke Straight,

- doesn't even have cable. - But what about

- all these? - They're all aimed

- inside the house. - Well, what the hell

- good is that for?! - Eh, I'm making

about two grand a month on the Gilfcam.

- Ew! - The what cam?

"What is your..."

Hmm. Dear Gilf Hound 69...

Jesus Christ. Thanks for the concussion,

dicks. Well?

Oh, and just so you know, that's exactly how

- Len Koenecke died. - Who?

"Who." Typical.

Goddamn it, will you slow the shit down?!

I'm sorry, was there

a question?

Because nobody made you two come here.

I didn't put a gun to your heads.

I mean, not literally to your heads.

So, if you'll hide your vaginas, it's time to gather some intel.

Intel? No, do not compare what we

- do now to intelligence work. - Don't worry, I won't!

Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really

compare to helping overthrow democratically elected

governments! Like the U.S. did in Guatemala,

Chile, Nicaragua, uh... Oh! Iran?!

Because-- spoiler alert-- those didn't really work out so great!

But that's okay, because I'm pinning my hopes for the

future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that

ragtag bunch of Mujahideen heroes in Afghanistan!

I... Wow, it seems like you've actually given this

- some thought. - Plus, I mean, it's not

like we're selling cocaine to little kids.

And ISIS did do a lot of bad stuff.

We blew up an oil pipeline.

Not to mention a bunch of people, which, compared to

that, this is kind of a victimless crime.

If it even is a crime. I mean, is it?

He said, sucking at being a lawyer.

I'm actually an excellent lawyer.

And I'm excellent in the field, so...

Maybe at ISIS. But on ISIS missions, you had

big dossiers with all the information you could

- possibly need. - Yeah, but I never

read them.

What's up, pendejos?

- Ay, mierda. - Oh, goddamn Latin.

I just feel like such a tourist.

Colombia? What are they doing in Colombia?

- I... - And how did you know

where they were? I thought you couldn't

- track them. - Ray posted a

Snacklesnap. It's where you take artsy photos

of your food and share it with people.

Snacklesnamps is awesome.

Look, here's some cocaine puddin; here's some more

cocaine puddin. Ooh, cocaine puddin.

Why would anyone want a picture of someone else's

- food? - Well, no, they

- don't. - Yeah, everybody hates

- to Colombia? - I assume as a sample?

To show some cartel boss that our product is high-quality and

- already in the States? - Saving them the

transport cost. But those three waltzing around

Colombia with millions of dollars of cocaine?!

My God, they could already be dead!

Oh, Malory, come on. This is Archer, okay?

- He can take care of himself. - Yeah, and I doubt

- they were actually waltzing. - I'm sure they're

- totally fine. - Archer!

Woooohoohoohoooo!!

Here's to you, Hal Needham.

Man, why bother with coke? I just made 100,000 pesos for

- jumping through a stupid window. - Yeah, that's about

- $50. - Still, though.

¿Dijiste cocaína? ¿La quieres?

No, gracias. Yo tengo mucha cocaína.

Por lo tanto, buscamos a La Madrina.

Hijo de puta.

You look for the Godmother?

Yes, for a very lucrative business proposition.

- Do you know her or... - No, but I can

make a phone call, and someone will come.

Until then, just keep drinking your guaro, huh?

About 15 steps ahead

of you.

Pinche gringo.

Hmm, see what I did there?

Uh, overdosed on liquid snake?

Made a connection, Cyril.

I gained his trust.

Oh, my God. Although, now that you mention

it... I think I actually may

have...

- God. - Snake poisoning.

Damn it, Archer, I told you.

What's that? I can't hear you over the sound

- of I have snake poisoning. - Moveri!

Placet moveri, iudices.

Well, it's your own

- fault. What the... - What're you...

Shh! Shut up. I think I heard a troop truck

pull up out front.

¡No se muevan! ¿Dónde están?

It's the army.

Shit. It's not the army.