Al Madrigal: Shrimpin' Ain't Easy

What's up?

How you doing?

It's way more than I deserve. Thank you very much.

My name's Al. Thanks for coming out.

Appreciate it. Uh...

Let's see. Let's get started.

Doing pretty good on my New Year's resolution

so far.

I'm probably gonna make it all year.

I'm make it my whole life.

Picked an easy one.

No Chipotle.

Never going back to Chipotle 'cause it's too nice.

It's too well lit.

Everybody knows, if you want good Mexican food,

it's gotta be a little scary.

I gotta go...

Go to a roach coach

parked out in front of a mechanic shop, midnight.

That's how you get the good shit.

You gotta walk up, order fast, order scared.

All right?

"Hola, ¿cómo estás?

Ah, yeah.

Can I have three el pastor tacos,

por favor?

Get the fuck away from me!"

Check out some of their other items

while your order's coming up.

Can't do that at Chipotle.

It, uh...

"Conto questo the Deadpool DVD?"

And...

"These socks. how much for these socks?"

I also brush up on my Spanish a lot.

I have phrases you're not gonna find

in a Rosetta Stone.

All right, yes, uh... Como se dice,

"Can your pit bull please stop licking me?"

How do you say that?

This guys going to town.

I was at a taco truck right before the election.

And I overhear the guy's order in front of me.

He's just finishing up,

and this is exactly what he says. He goes,

"Hey, bro.

In that order,

can I get no cilantro?

'Cause you heard what they're doing

to the cilantro, right?"

And the guy in the taco truck goes,

"Si, si, I know," and walks away.

Just leave me standing there going, uh...

"Excuse me, uh...

What's, what's going on with the cilantro?"

And he goes, "Oh, bro. My mom told me

not to eat any cilantro if it's from Mexico

'cause they're shitting in it.

To get back at Trump."

And I said, uh, "Well, don't get me wrong,

I'm all for a good Trump takedown, but...

a lot of collateral damage in the shit-in-the-cilantro plan

don't you think?"

It really does imply

that there's some Oceans 11

in a Mexican cilantro field.

I'm not sure they're that organized.

Maybe they are.

"All right, cilantro workers gather around."

"Carrots, stale celery, stay where you are."

"Not sure you guys heard today...

but Donald Trump has done it again.

Not only has he called

all the people crossing the border rapists,

Not only has he kicked Univision's beloved newscaster

Jorge Ramos out of a press conference in Iowa...

Saying, 'Go back to Univision,'

in a tone that implies, 'Go back to Mexico.'

But now, he's saying he's gonna build a wall.

He's gonna have us pay for it.

It's gonna stop now, it's gonna stop here.

Let's all start brainstorming.

No idea is a bad idea, okay?

Felipe, what do you have?"

"Okay!

I say we get on the computers

and start a Kickstarter campaign...

and we raise money. Because in America,

money and power and politics, they all go together.

Their democracy is dead.

We're gonna start our own super PAC.

We are gonna spread positive messages

about Latinos entering the United States

and fight this Donald trump."

"Well...

It's a good idea. It's good, it's good.

And you guys know I don't wanna be negative.

You guys know I wanna foster open lines of communication

and give you all a voice.

But you guys gotta remember,

none of us have ever seen a computer.

And I don't know what a fucking Kickstarter is.

What... What am I kicking?

Yes, Cleto."

"Okay!"

It's all the same voice. I...

This guy's shorter. He's a little effeminate.

"Okay!

I say...

I say we write letters...

to the people of the United States and say,

'Dear people,

as citizens of this planet, you gotta empathize

because we're in a horrible situation,

so dire and so grave,

that we'd even send our own children

across the border,

into another country by themselves.

Eight, nine, ten years old.

You won't even send your kids to the bus.

We're there because we're hard workers.

and we want to fight for a better life

for our family, for future generations to come.

Sure, there's some bad apples.

Those are isolated cases.

We're a hardworking people,

so please remember that.'"

"Holy shit.

This is heartfelt.

And if the Monsanto pesticides that they put in the cilantro

hadn't destroyed my tear ducts...

you would have seen that I cried a little bit.

But again, guys, I don't wanna nitpick.

But you gotta remember,

none of us know how to read or write.

Putting letter-writing out of the question.

Yes, crazy Eddie?"

"Okay...

This is a little outside of the box...

But I say we shit...

in the fucking cilantro!"

"Put that in your Trump Tower, taco bald motherfucker!"

"It's passionate."

I didn't think it would happen, it happened.

It's here. I thought when he called

all the people crossing the border rapist,

I'm like, "Oh, you can't do that."

Turns out,

everybody loved it.

And, uh...

Here we are.

If you are on that side of the fence, congratulations.

Uh, but I do wanna be very clear.

When my grandfather came to the United States,

he did not rape anyone.

He did murder a guy, uh, but...

Just found this out about a year ago.

I was in Tijuana at a family reunion.

You laugh at that?

There were cousins, some uncles.

And my Uncle John looks at me,

everybody's just smoking cigars, drinking tequila.

My Uncle John looks at me and he goes,

"I think you're old enough to know this now."

I go, "Yeah, I'm... 45.

I'm...

old enough to know most things.

What've you got for me? If not now, when?"

He goes, "You know why your grandfather

came to the United States?"

And I just shrug and I go,

"Because... he was struggling?"

And then everybody laughed.

Evil, muppet-y laugh, and the tequila.

I think somebody mumbled in the back,

"Somebody was struggling, it wasn't him."

And this is the story that they told.

My grandfather's in his place,

El Chante, Mexico, 1920s,

about two hours outside Guadalajara.

And he's in there,

somebody pounds on the door.

My grandfather opens the door,

guy standing there stabs him twice in the side.

Apparently, this was pre-peephole, uh, because...

I have a difficult time opening the door

for girl scouts holding my cookies,

and, uh, somebody's standing there stab-ready,

I'm gonna ask a couple questions.

Backstory there is my grandfather's in love

with this guy's wife. He wasn't taking it very well.

Decided to employ

some 1920s Guadalajaran conflict resolution.

I can...

My grandfather says, "Not here, not here.

Let's go to the outskirts of town

where all the murdering is done."

They go to the outskirts.

Guy takes out his knife.

My grandfather takes out his machete.