Life & Beth

Get to 60 MPH. Let's go, yep.

Go. Jump!

Go, go, g--

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

- You should've won. That was such bullshit.

- Okay, let's keep this door open for fresh air.

Anyone want peanut butter on celery?

- Thank you, Mrs. Russo. Thanks. - Caleb?

Okay, what's this game?

Mom, can you leave? What are you--

Leave. - Okay.

Just--

It's straight. It's good. Can-Can--

- Enjoy the game! - This looks delicious.

Thank, thank you so much.

God, she stresses me out.

Just walkin' into my room. - What's she so worried about?

She's probably worried I'll do this.

Or this.

Wanna touch it?

Okay.

Like this?

Yeah, um. Yeah.

Am I doing something wrong?

- No, no, its-- - It's, it's supposed to--

It's supposed to get hard. I-It's-- Right? It's--

- It's just-- Yeah, I don't know. It's just too much, like, pressure.

- It's, like. - God. I'm sorry.

N-N-Not that kind of pressure. Um.

Maybe if you put your hair down. You-You look prettier like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. Sorry.

I'm sorry about that. - It's fine.

Do I look okay?

Yeah, you look fine. Why?

Maybe I should put some bronzer on?

You wanna get a cat eye for the clinic?

- Just, just-- I just want them to respect me in there.

Yeah, you, you look great, babe.

I want a blowout. Can we stop?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course. - Yeah, I want a blowout.

This is it? - Yes.

We always wanted to be pregnant at the same time.

We did it.

Hi.

I'm having a geriatric pregnancy, you're having a geriatric abortion.

How could you kill your unborn child?!

It's a sin! You're a sinner!

Nobody will ever love you!

That one hurt.

Thank you for taking the heat.

- Jesus will never forgive you! - It's supposed to be your day.

Sorry to steal your thunder. - Don't do it! Don't do it!

- Anyone see the new Ted Lasso? - So good.

- Hi! - Hi.

- Do you already have an insurance card on file?

- What? No. I-I-I've never been here before.

Not that it would be bad to be here before. I just--

I have two kids.

- Many people who come in here have kids. I'll just need your card.

Great. You can take a seat. I'll come get you when we're ready.

How you feeling?

I just wanna get it over with.

I don't know why I'm shaking. I'm not scared.

It's a lot.

Yeah. Well,

I am sure it will be better than childbirth.

Thirty hours of agony ending in a C-section.

Okay, but I'm sure yours is gonna be a breeze.

- Yeah. - How are you guys?

That bad?

It's just, like,

we have to work so hard on everything all the time.

That's forever.

At least you and John talk.

Bryan doesn't even know I'm alive.

Unless it's to talk about our mortgage

or how to fix pinkeye.

Jess? We're ready for you.

Just watch my stuff.

I'll be right here. Okay?

My mom won't be home until tomorrow,

so if you wanna... sleep over.

Yeah, right.

Nah, my mom would kill me. She thinks I'm at Tim's right now, so.

- Finished my 40. Should I keep drinking?

I don't know. Sure, if you want.

- Hey. - Hey.

Where are you?

Said you'd come back this morning, and you're not here.

I'm at an abortion clinic.

- That's not funny. - No.

For Jess. Jess is having an abortion.

I'm not. I'm gonna keep ours.

- Well, that's good news. - Yeah.

Beth, I'm sorry about last night.

I shouldn't have gotten so worked up.

But you'll see when you come home, the house is much better now.

I know, I just

feel like we're at a standstill.

- Yeah, I know. I mean, I'm trying. - I know.

I just-- I need some time. I-I,

I'll, I'll see you later, okay?

- Okay. - Bye.

- Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Dr. Sabri.

I'll be performing your procedure today.

And, your vitals look good.

So, I'll just be doing a quick examination,

and then we're gonna do your ultrasound.

Ultrasound? Is this a trick?

You show me my baby and I change my mind? Because you can't make me keep it.

I already have two kids and I don't like either of them, much.

- Mrs.? - Jess. Just Jess.

- Jess, I can assure you, this is not one of those clinics.

Okay. I just--

I got worried that I might've accidentally booked

one of those religious places 'cause--

Just, like--

Yes, I, um, understand that my hijab can be confusing.

I believe in a woman's right to choose.

What she would like to wear and whether she would like to be pregnant.

Wow.

I just-- I-I, I never really met someone like you before.

You've never met a Muslim before?

There are, like, two billion of us in the world.

Not where I'm from.

Sorry! I-I'm so thrown by your headscarf.

It's kind of like seeing a celebrity,

but somewhere you don't expect.

Like, Emily Blunt in a Duane Reade.

Muslims, they're just like us.

Let's go over the procedure.

Okay, yeah, let's.

- So, we're gonna give you some meds. You're gonna be partially sedated.

And don't worry, you're not gonna feel a thing,

and you're not gonna remember any of it.

Okay.

Can you give me something like that for the last few months of my life?

Sorry.

Years, actually.

Honestly, this would've never happened

if my friend hadn't wheeled away while I was peeing in the alley--

- Let's return to the procedure. - Okay.

- So, it's gonna take less than 15 minutes,

and then you're gonna have a bit of time to rest before you go home.

Do you have any questions? - No, but here's some advice.

Don't get married.

You'll never have sex again. And when you do, it will be like a chore

you have to schedule on the family calendar,

like a dental cleaning.

You'll never feel wanted or desired in the same way.

I mean,

most men think I'm a nun.

They act like I'm wearing an invisibility cloak.

It's like I'm not there.

- If it makes you feel any better, that also happens when you turn 40.

It doesn't.

Have you ever had any kind of anesthesia or sedation before?

- Um, just once. My wisdom teeth in high school.

My mom said I was slurring and asking why there's no Mr. America.

Obviously, there's no Mr. America.

Mr. America is just, like, the president.

Women have to be in a goddamn swimsuit competition our whole lives.

Are you ready?

You're gonna do great. We're gonna take great care of you.

Okay.

We're gonna get those meds started now,

and they're gonna relax you,

and you'll be all done before you know it.

It's just like taking a nap, right?

Exactly.