Privates

Say yes. Yes! What filled one so meek and mild with such rage?

Lance Corporal Hobbs tried to steal my girlfriend, sir.

I can't go back. I punched my CO, you get two years for that.

I'm going to have a drink. So I can face the rest of the evening.

This escape plan of yours. Nobody believes you've got one.

Anyone want to put a bet on it?

Go back to your barracks, Private Lomax.

We'll talk about this with Captain Bulgakov in the morning.

WIND HOWLS

Wakey, wakey!

Wakey, wakey!

Come on, rise and shine, ladies!

On your feet and by your beds! 15 minutes to wash and shave.

Anybody not through that door in five seconds

will find themselves on a charge, you understand?

Yes, Sergeant.

Wratten, you little thief, get a move on!

Hygiene, gentlemen, at all times.

Under the armpits, the crack of your backside.

Anybody not in the mess hall in two minutes is what?

On a charge, Sergeant.

I don't know about you

but I didn't sleep much.

Couldn't stop thinking about my last day of freedom

before coming to this place.

Walking the dogs by the river with the old man.

He might be a pain sometimes, but he's the only one I've got.

I feel like we got off on the wrong foot yesterday.

You want to cancel the bet?

You know if you put the bicarb of soda in with it,

you'd save us all a lot of time.

First day of military training, Two Section,

so make sure all that lovely grub is in your guts.

Anyone know what happened to Private Lomax?

I found him sitting

outside Doctor Bulgakov's office first thing.

It took me a while to figure out his verbal constructions.

You mean the crazy act?

What, you think it's an act?

What does Doctor Bulgakov say? Does he think he's nuts?

He prescribed chlorpromazine.

It seems to have controlled all the David Niven business.

PHONE RINGS

Ah, excuse me.

Medical Centre, Nurse Charles speaking.

Doctor Bulgakov, hello, how are you?

Yeah, I've given him a...

You didn't tell her about last night's little pantomime?

Did you, Lomax?

Well, that goes a long way to telling me that you're only cuckoo

when it suits you.

But you tried too hard.

You went for the fireworks.

You see, I was halfway to saying, "Give him the looney ticket.

"Get him off our hands." But now,

after last night...

Well, I'm going to make it my business to show

you for what you are.

Sergeant Butcher.

I have a section that's a man short.

Private Lomax here will join them as soon as the CO signs him off.

I really think Private Lomax needs to be kept under observation, Sergeant.

Well, he will be.

I'll be watching him very closely.

"We make a strange bunch, Alice.

"All of us acting like we're not scared. But they're all good lads.

"Except White-Bowne.

"He's the kind of loud-mouthed toff you always used to hate.

"But there's something else about him, something I don't trust."

Didn't sleep so well?

I think it was just the unfamiliar surroundings.

I had a dream

that I woke up and it was time to go to church with my father.

Like we did before he saw me off from the station.

Probably sounds like a dull way to spend your last day of freedom.

I spent my last day pretty much the same way. Really?

Two Section, drill! Let's have you on that parade ground.

Corporal, the MO said I was to give you this.

Is this a joke, McKilvenny? Blood and sand!

It's not enough there's already a lunatic,

a dyed-in-the-wool commie and a useless toff in the section.

Now I've got one that says he can't wear army boots for drill!

He says here, he recommends soft shoes, Corporal.

Soft shoes?

What are they sending us now - ballroom dancers?

Come on! Let's toughen you lot up!

On the order, you will call the time. Do you understand?

Yes, Corporal.

About turn!

One, two, three, one.

About turn!

One, two, three, one.

This is the easy part, ladies.

You're making your corporal look like an idiot!

By the left. Quick march!

Left right, left right, left right, left right,

left right, section...halt!

Private Hoy, this section is already my least favourite

section in the history of Bleakly Marsh.

Do not test me.

Two Section, quick march!

Halt!

Right leg, left arm, left leg, right arm.

Show me your right arm, Hoy.

Two Section, on the command, quick march!

Two Section, halt!

Unless this section can move as one unit, act as one unit, and think

as one unit, it will be a danger to itself.

Now the Army doesn't care about that

but it will also be a danger to the rest of the Army.

You will all work together to help Private Hoy to solve his problem

and make your section stronger.

You will do this in your own time.

Kit inspection at 1100 hours. Don't cock it up!

Sorry.

HE COUGHS

Ah, Norah, I've been thinking. I've got a plan. What time is it?

Look, if I don't go back to the Army then there's nothing really keeping me here.

Now you see, I have got some savings so what I could do is I

could change me name and start afresh. Now, do you remember Frank,

the sergeant that left last year?

He's moved to Liverpool and he was looking for someone to buy into a restaurant with him,

now maybe he's still looking.

What, what's up?

Are you running away from me too?

Don't be daft, you're coming with me.

Look, you will love Liverpool, it's a port city... Jimmy.

..people from everywhere. Shh! You have to pack...

Jimmy. Shut up and kiss me.

Again.

Again!

And harder, really take a swing.

Just hit him.

Right arm.

Ready?

Left leg.

Again.

All right. Left...leg.

Right arm, left leg.

Right arm...

Bloody hell!

Watch out for the door.

BANG

You know what I'm going to miss the most?

Go out with my dad for some drinks and then down to Bethnal Green

to see some young welterweight on the undercard at York Hall.

Like I did on my last day of freedom before coming to this dump.

What about you?

Spent some time with my little boy.

Sailing his boat in the park.

You've got a kid?

Hold on to your hats, everyone.

We're in for a bumpy time.

Eve, dear, I like a wit like my Martinis - very dry.

Now that is an interesting development.

Very.

You, er, said I had to have the stitches taken out.

I'm sorry for being an idiot.

Last time, with all that talk of bombs.

I got into what my dad calls my strident stride.

My pamphleteer mode.

I forget that other people have experience of the world too.

You were only a semi-idiot.

Thanks... I think.

So, can I ask you something?

When you lost your parents, about how you dealt with it.

I wonder why I told you that?

It's not something I usually talk about.

I understand that, I'm just another private. One in a hundred.

But perhaps if we could talk, away from this place.

Now that's disappointing.

Was that your sensitive boy act?

Or just a little preamble before asking me out?

No, I...

OK, we're all done.

I was actually asking...

I think we're all done, Private Keenan.

Because last year my sister died.

I think this is a bit mad.

I think the idea is that we're not supposed to think.

What do you think?

I think I think what you think.

Gather round all you fine fellows, it's prize-giving time.

One pack of the finest smokes

to the lucky winner.