The Ranch

Where'd you learn to make coffee like this?

Campin'.

I was a Girl Scout.

- A Girl Scout? - Yeah.

Still got the uniform?

Yeah, but it's too small and it smells like cookies.

All right, stop.

I know what I want for Christmas.

Colt, you used my towel again, asshole.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

It's just so dark up in the bathroom with the power out,

I don't know what I'm reaching for.

But, full disclosure...

I may have wiped with the sock

that you left outside by the hamper.

Full disclosure, I've been wearing your socks.

Should I not bring clothes over here anymore?

- Come on, let's go to work. - Yeah.

- Thank you, darling. - Mmm-hmm.

Hey, you wanna meet up tonight?

I don't know. I'm supposed to hang out with my sister, Darlene.

She just got through a really bad breakup.

Bad breakup, huh? She sounds hot.

She is hot.

And she finally got rid of that deadbeat asshole of a boyfriend.

Oh.

Well, would you say

deadbeat assholes are kind of her type?

Hey, she just got out of a relationship.

Yeah, her ex left her right after the baby was born.

Might be a good change for her to go out with a nice guy.

- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah, so we're in agreement.

She should not go out with Rooster.

Stop, he is a good guy.

Maybe the four of us could go out.

Rooster don't like blind dates, so...

Oh, uh, hell yeah, I do.

I mean, dating is like fishing, you know?

You can sit on the water all day and not catch a bite.

But a blind date?

That's like a guy drives up

in a boat and just throws you a fish.

After that, all you gotta do is clean it and eat it.

You must really hate your sister.

Stop. It'll be fun.

- Promise. I'll tell Darlene. - Mmm-hmm.

- Call me later. - Yeah.

Oh, hey, don't forget to look for that Girl Scout uniform.

Hey, you hear that, pal? It'll be fun.

Hey. Hey.

Yo, come on. You cannot go out with Darlene.

- Why not? - 'Cause I've...

got a good thing going with Heather, and I'd...

I just... I know how you are with women.

You mean awesome?

Yeah, so awesome that Cindy Wilson keyed your car?

That was an accident.

Yeah, oh, she accidentally wrote,

"Rooster Bennett's got a tiny penis"?

Technically, she wrote, "Rooster Bennett's got a tiny pen,"

'cause I caught her.

That's why I bought all those tiny pens just to not confuse anybody.

What about Tammy?

She was so pissed, she set your underwear on fire.

So? Big deal.

You were still wearing 'em!

Look, man, that was a long time ago, all right?

I'm not gonna do anything to mess up you and Heather.

All right. Just behave.

Yeah, that's my middle name.

Jameson "Rooster" "Behave" "Big Dick" Bennett.

Man, I'm exhausted.

- Yeah, me too. -

If somebody told me there was

a million dollars out in that field,

I don't know if I could go pick it up.

Still going to the bar, right?

Oh, hell yeah.

How is it that you two are so tired at the end of every day,

but you still muster enough energy

to go out drinking every night?

'Cause it ain't work when you're doing something you love.

That Mom?

Yeah.

Said she wanted to talk.

Oh, well, as fun as that sounds,

I'm gonna make like Colt and abandon this family.

I resent that.

And just to prove a point, I'll stay out here with you, Dad.

Hey, Ma.

Colt, could we have a minute?

I gave it a shot.

Maggie, I know I said I could talk, but...

I've been up since 4:00 this morning.

How about we do this another day?

Unless you've got some really good news.

I made us an appointment to go to counseling.

That wasn't it.

I know you don't wanna talk about your feelings.

When the guy at the gas station says, "How you doing?"

you tell him to stop prying.

If I wanted him to know, he'd know.

Okay, well...

I don't wanna get divorced.

Well, I hate talking to strangers and I hate spending money.

Now you're asking me to do both?

No. We won't have to pay...

and it won't be a total stranger.

Priscilla, in my book club, she's a licensed therapist.

She helped out Noreen and Will.

Will left Noreen for Stan at the feed store.

And she helped Will to realize his true feelings.

I could've told Will that 20 years ago.

I really do think it will help us.

She's an expert on marriage.

And what makes her an expert?

The fact that your book club read

Bridges of Madison County?

This is my busiest time of the year.

I know you're busy.

But there'll always be a reason to put it off.

All right, we agree. Let's never do it.

You want me to move back in, right?

'Course I do.

Well, the only way that's gonna happen

is if we start connecting more.

I really do think it would help us to see Priscilla.

And afterwards, I'll treat you to a burger if you want.

If I'm sharing feelings, I'm eating steak.

Well, let's see how the first session goes.

Wait a minute. There's more than one?

So, Darlene, how do you scratch out a living?

Well, four days a week, Mom watches the kids

and I work down at the nursing home.

Mostly, my job consists

of dealing with cranky senior citizens.

Mmm-hmm. Hey, mine too.

You guys are ranchers, right?

Yeah, Colt works on my ranch.

You like being a rancher?

Did Jesus like being a carpenter?

What?

No, I'm just saying, you know,

I didn't choose it, it chose me.

I mean, ranching game's tough, you know?

You gotta be strong, muscular,

but also sensitive, gentle, you know, with a real caring touch.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well, I may have used some bold imagery, but I...

My ex just posted a picture

with him and his skanky new girlfriend.

Is that the trashiest bikini you've ever seen?

Oh, come on, you are so much hotter than her.

Yeah. Well, they're... Those are...

That... Those are too big.

I should, uh, probably weigh in on this.

What an ass!

Yeah. What an ass.

Listen, Darlene, forget about him.

We're all having a good time here.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right. You know, he's the loser, 'cause...

my date's way prettier than his.

I'm guessing, 'cause I didn't really get to see the picture.

Are you shitting me?

Is that the Eiffel Tower?

Whoa! He took her to Vegas?

This asshole, the father of one of my children,

is getting married to this dick garage.

All right, man, I like this chick.

I'm never getting married.

I'm gonna be one of those pathetic losers

who lives at home forever.

- Oh, you know, that's just like family... - There's no shame in that.

- Togetherness is really a move... - Eff my effing L!

Darlene...

Well, she seems stable.

Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, how's that chick, huh?

She got them tig ol' bitties?

I'm gonna get another round.

Two.

Oh, shit. Hey, Abby.

Hey, Colt. What is all that yelling coming from your table?

Oh, yeah, Rooster's on a blind date.

Got it.

Uh, where's, uh, Kenny?

On Fridays, she waits here

for him to get off from the Marriott.

And then, they usually go see a movie.

Sorry for me taking an interest in my friends.

I see you're still with Heather.

So, when you guys go out, does she order off the kids' menu?

No, as long as they have crayons

so she can draw on the place mat, she's happy.

What do you do, you just sit around

all day and think these things up?

Yeah, in detention I run 'em by the kids.

You know, 'cause they're the same age as Heather.

That one's mine. I just came up with that.