Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Gee, that's too bad, Jake.

A sore throat and a runny nose? Aw.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess you should

stay at your mom's this weekend.

Oh! Gesundheit.

Yeah. Yeah, feel better.

Okay, bye-bye.

Jake sick?

Nah, he's lying through his teeth.

Probably has a party to go to or something.

Or a hangover. Hmm.

Remember when he wanted to be around us?

Remember when we wanted to be around him?

Hey, that's my son you're talking about.

But point taken.

So, you're a free man for the weekend.

What are your plans?

I don't know. Probably just catch up on my reading,

take a walk on the beach,

you know, a little "me" time.

What about you?

Pretty much the same.

Except instead of reading and walking,

I'm going on a date and hoping to get laid.

Now, when you say "date,"

do you mean an actual date, or one of your

$2,500 "date experiences."

If I were paying $2,500,

I wouldn't just be hoping to get laid. Hmm!

So. You're back in the dating game.

How'd you hook up?

Was it a "meet cute"?

Meet... cute?

You know, like, uh, like in the movies.

She's carrying groceries, and you bump into her

and she spills them and you try to help her

pick 'em back up, and you bonk heads, and she's concerned

she might have a concussion, so you tell her you're a doctor,

and you keep up the ruse until after she's fallen in love

with you, at which point you confess

that you're not the man she thought you were,

and she's furious and never wants to talk to you,

but you go to her place of work,

and you make a complete fool of yourself

by declaring your undying love for her

during an important business meeting.

Thankfully, the meeting is with Japanese bankers

who find you charming.

And they give her the big account,

after which you scoop her into your arms

and ask her to marry you, and you live happily ever after.

In Portland.

Um... no.

She's a dermatologist

Oh, well, that's cute, too.

So, uh, what's her name? How old is she?

Uh, her name's Michelle, and I'm guessing mid-'30s.

Ooh! Almost age-appropriate.

Oh, say, if I took a picture of a strange wart on my toe,

would you show it to her and ask if it's normal?

Sure, I'll pull it out over dinner.

Come on! She's a dermatologist,

and I have a hideous growth on my foot.

The hideous growth on your foot is you.

You know what, I'll email you a jpeg.

You'll know when the moment is right.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men...

* Men.

Hey, Alan.

Listen-- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Right. Having a little "me" time.

Wasn't little until you came in.

What do you want?

In case I get lucky and this girl comes back here tonight,

I need you to make yourself scarce.

No problem.

I don't want to see you or your wart.

Got it.

Good.

Pudding girls?

Trust me.

Malibu...

pudding girls...

com.

Oh! Yikes.

* Men.

Right here?

That's great.

How's your tush?

Fine. How are your boobs?

I meant, how is it feeling since I took the mole off?

Oh! A little tender, but still functional.

That's good.

It's not fair, though.

What?

Well, you've seen mine and I haven't seen yours.

That's true, isn't it?

We're going to have to figure out a way for you to get even.

Okay, show me your ass.

You're terrible!

How are you at those trivia questions?

Well, let's see.

"Which TV shows jump-started

these movie stars' film careers?"

Okay.

George Clooney. ER.

Nice.

Leonardo DiCaprio-- Growing Pains.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah. The last season.

John Travolta.

Um...

: Welcome Back, Kotter.

Oh. Good memory.

How could I forget?

It was my favorite show in high school.

You mean it was your favorite show

set in high school, right?

Oh, no, no.

In tenth grade I had a giant crush on Travolta.

But... wasn't that show on in like the '70s?

Yeah.

So... you were in high school in the '70's?

Uh-huh.

Were you like, really, really smart

and skipped a bunch of grades?

Uh-uh.

I'm 47, Charlie.

Oh. Okay. I wasn't even thinking about that.

Really. What were you thinking about?

Uh... You know, the whole Scientology thing

with Travolta and Cruise. What's that all about?

How old are you? You know how old I am.

I filled it out on my medical form.

Oh, you are not 36, Charlie.

Even your mole was older than that.

Did I write 36?

Yeah.

I meant 40...

two.

Three.

So I'm out with a younger man.

Sexy.

Yeah. Cool.

* Men.

Do you want to come in for some coffee?

Oh, gee, I'd love to, but, um...

But what?

Well, this isn't something I normally say on a first date,

but my left ass cheek is throbbing.

Oh, you poor baby. Do you want me to take a look at it?

No, no, that'd just be a pity peek.

I'm-I'm-I'm sure it's fine.

But I-- I should go.

Okay.

Well, I suppose you'll call me,

if you want to get together again.

Absolutely, I will.

Good night.

Good night.

You've got my number, right?

Indeed, I do.

Forty-seven.

* Men.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, Alan, again?

I-It's not what it looks like.

Hey, I get it.

You're bored. You're lonely. You can't afford a hooker.

But come on, keep it in your room!

Okay, i-in my defense, I wasn't expecting you home till later.

Plus, it felt a little naughtier out here.

You know, in public.

You want naughty?

Go yank it on the pitcher's mound at Dodger Stadium.

Ooh, clever.

Seventh-inning stretch.

You realize I now have to burn the couch.

Well, if you're going to do that,

you might want to burn the deck chair, too.

Oh, God, Alan.

So how was your evening?

Fine.

I thought you were planning on bringing her back here.

And yet you were twanging your magic clanger

right in the middle of the living room.

I lost track of time. Sue me.

So, uh, what went wrong with your date?

Nothing went wrong.

She's terrific. She's beautiful. She's smart.

But...?