Another Period

- Once a month, we have to have procreation sex.

With our dumb husbands.

Done.

- Dear lord, please let me get a divorce.

We're in a homosexual relationship.

I don't care about anything.

I literally have no behavioral standards at all.

My name is Celine, madam.

Servant, your name is Chair now.

I think the commodore is having an affair.

You need to know your place!

It's downstairs!

- Someone wrote an expose about our family.

They called us "The Modern Pigs"!

I cannot have this scandal!

You're banished from bellacourt!

Hey, it's the pig sisters.

I never met anyone famous before.

Famous?

Forget trying to get accepted into society.

We're going to get famous.

Yeah!

It's been a pretty wild ride.

Since the "Modern Pigs" came out.

- At first, everyone new our names.

It gave us adoration, glamour, and most of all, dignity.

Unfortunately, we live in the fast-paced world.

Of the bimonthly news cycle, so we're yesterday's news.

- Yes, a white child lost his hand at the tuna cannery,

and now that's all the press is covering.

And we're stuck living here in this.

Coal mine or this... This barn.

What would you call this place?

It's my home.

Home for your dogs, or where you put your dog's shit?

If you don't like it, maybe it's time for you to leave.

Penelope, can you ask your friends to leave us alone?

They're not my friends, they're my children.

And it's not Penelope, it Pee-nuh-lope.

Like a cross between a penis and a cantaloupe.

Oh, well, anyway, penis cantaloupe,

you know what would make us feel better?

Fine.

Oh, wow, as I live and breathe!

It really is the pig sisters!

Why, yes, it is us.

Oink oink!

Where is everyone going? Hello, we're right here.

Hello? This is all your fault.

Remember us from two weeks ago?

Thank you.

A bench in my honor.

I will cherish this forever.

Thank you.

Why is she famous? She's not even pretty.

It's Harriet Tubman from the underground railroad.

One of the most famous people in the world.

She helped free all those slaves.

Huh, she ought to free herself from that.

Burlap sack around her head.

Let's go talk to her. Mm-hmm.

Hello, Harriet Tubman?

We would like to become famous how you are.

But still young and pretty how we are.

Why don't you girls come with me for a nice cup of tea?

According to your resume, you were.

The second footman at the breaker's.

How did you find that experience?

Well, I was awarded the golden dustpan twice.

Well, I think I've heard all I need to.

You see, we have no need for braggarts here at bellacourt.

I trust you can see yourself out,

that is, if you can see past that nose.

You've got stuck up in the air.

Good day, sir.

Mr. Peepers? Hmm?

That was the 37th candidate we've seen.

Indeed, it was, Garfield,

and I will see 137 more if need be.

I will never settle when it comes to bellacourt.

I let down my guard once when hiring.

She-who-shall-not-be-named.

You... um, Chair?

Well, of course I mean Chair.

Who else could I possibly mean?

Never again, Garfield. Next!

Well, come in, take a seat, quit your quavering.

Your resume?

What is this name, "floble"?

Flobelle, sir.

Very well, let's start with flowers.

It's a mid-fall day, dark clouds on the horizon,

the eldest daughter has been dreaming of giants.

Please describe the flower scheme for the home.

Azaleas in the foyer, pink peonies in the bedroom,

and a smattering of flying duck orchids in the outhouses.

That is correct.

What is your favorite type of pewter?

Low lead, high silver.

The lady of the house wishes to take a night walk.

She needs her 1881 Sears and Roebuck taffeta gown.

Brought to her and buttoned. What's the question?

The question is, Flobelle, do you button it.

While she's standing there,

or do you wait for her to go on the veranda?

Well, the answer is neither.

Well, I can... I've had all the insolence I can take.

Thank you very much, floble, or Flobelle, or whatever it is...

The answer is neither because it's not possible.

Sears and Roebuck manufactured 74 different night coats.

In the 1880s.

It wasn't until 1898 that Sears and Roebuck

began manufacturing taffeta night coats with buttons.

So, you see, i couldn't have buttoned it,

because there wouldn't be any buttons.

But if there were to be buttons, well,

I would let the lady determine where she'd like.

Her buttons buttoned because it's not up to me.

Because nothing is up to me.

Because I am just a servant.

Any further questions, sir?

Just one.

When can you start?

I already have.

Don't touch.

Oh, nice...

Warm cup...

Of chicory tea.

Sit the down!

You want the secret to my success?

Yes. Huh?

Yes. Yes, please.

Well, I can teach you. You can?

Yes, but first... Where is my money?

We don't have any money.

But we do have some walking-around gold.

Walking-around gold?

All aboard, bitches!

Next stop, Tubman town.

Commodore, speaking as your lawyer,

even if you sell all of your assets in the west,

you are still going under.

What else can I possibly sell?

The imaginarium?

The October house in Prague?

The December house in Prague?

My beautiful, yet impractical, diamond underpants?

Sir, what about...

Hortense?

We could put a bow on her.

You can put a turd on a bun,

but the jig is up after the first bite.

I am sorry, sir, but you are nearly broke,

and this shit sandwich may be your last hope.

No one wants to do business with a man whose wife eats opium.

And I dare get started on the mistress.

Enough!

You leave her out of this!

Celine. My sweet Celine!

Hello, Chair. I was just checking on you.

I wanted to make sure that you were all right.

You did this to her.

Blanche, you did it.

No, no, no, it wasn't me, it was you.

No, you did it.

What? No.

You're a bad, bad girl, blanche.

No, no, no, please. I don't...

I don't want to go to jail!

Oh, your life is over, blanche.

That is, unless she never wakes up.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

There you go. There you go!

Oh, my god!

Her water just broke!

Look at her!

If only she were different in every way.

She's your only shot at saving the fortune.

Speaking of shots, I'm still conscious.

Peepers, let's change that.

Your father needs to marry you off.

No. To save the family.

Never!

I just don't think it's going to work.

It will not work because I refuse to cooperate...

You might be right. With no ideas of her own...

You know, she's not only just toothy, she's lippy too.

Whose sole purpose on earth is to please men,

like Lillian and Beatrice!

Sorry you can't just marry them off twice!

Now, I don't know if you've been listening,

but she's talking nonstop.

Peach, wire the pope.

I have an idea.

How do you think I became the Moses of my people?

You think they just started calling me that on their own?

We've never really thought about other people ever,

so I don't know.

Well, honey child, i thought of that shit, mm-hmm.

You ever hear of Jelson Paramour?