Rules of Engagement

Hey.

Hey.

Remember on your birthday how you asked me

for something special?

Oh, my God, you're taking me to Cancun?

Not that birthday.

You bought those diamond earrings from Tiffany's?

Not that special.

How many birthdays are we going back, Jeff?

I'm no longer interested in seeing the Go-Go's.

That was never gonna happen.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure I will love it.

Or whatever I exchange it for.

You're not gonna wanna exchange this, my friend.

Fifth row center for a little Broadway offering

called Wicked.

You're kidding. I can't believe you remembered.

It's been like four years.

Great, they've probably worked out the kinks by now.

What made you think of this?

I was in that neighborhood where there's theater after theater,

all the theaters. What's it called down there?

The theater district?

No, it'll come to me.

Anyway, I looked up, saw the poster,

thought of you.

The poster has two witches on it.

You're right, it is the theater district.

Well, thank you honey, this was very sweet...

wait, Jeff, there's only one ticket in here.

Yeah!

I am not gonna cause a distraction

while you sneak in the side door.

I'm not going. That's part of your gift.

I don't want to go alone. Yes, you do.

I want you to go with me. No, you don't.

It's more fun to share the experience with someone.

Is it? Well, let's examine

the last time we shared the theater-going experience.

We got to our seats...

You mimed killing yourself.

Curtain went up...

You mimed killing yourself.

Three townspeople on stage started to sing...

You mimed killing them,

and then turned the gun on yourself.

That was before the boiler went on the fritz.

This is the most thoughtful gift ever.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Shut up, Russell.

Ow.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Well, Russell's making fun of us

because I mentioned that Adam and I are taking

dance lessons for our wedding.

Not you, just Adam.

Or should I say "Mr. Mo-jangles."

There's nothing gay

about taking dance lessons for your wedding.

Yeah, we did it.

Oh, did you, "Fred Astaire at some guys ass?"

What, it's funny when it's not me.

Well, we're starting early,

because "we" need all the help "we" can get.

Good thing you're holding your hand up

so I don't get my feelings hurt.

I'm sorry. It doesn't matter that you're a bad dancer,

it's just another thing we get to do together,

and I love doing things with you.

Me too.

Don't you mean "me tutu"?

Ballerina? No?

All right, I'm out. Pay for me.

You know, Adam, you don't have to pretend

to love everything she does.

Do you get a commission every time a couple breaks up?

I'm just saying, there's such a thing

as too much togetherness.

You seeThe Shining?

You're old.

I'm wise. When you've been together

as long as Audrey and I have,

it's okay to have separate interests.

For instance, she loves going to the theater and I hate it.

Hating the theater is not an interest.

An interest is something you enjoy.

I enjoy hating the theater.

Well, there's gotta be stuff you guys like doing together.

Yeah. There's gotta be.

There is. Like the boat show.

Which, by the way, is in town this week.

Again? Didn't we just go to that thing?

A year ago. Really?

God, feels like just yesterday I was thinking

"Boy, I'm glad I don't have to suffer

through this for another year."

Come on, you love the boat show.

No, I tolerate it. I only do it 'cause you like it.

Huh, first time I've heard that outside the bedroom.

I hear the new lead is great.

Who's the original girl in this?

Kristen Chenoweth.

Oh.

My husband would not have known that in a million years.

So where do you wanna go get dinner after?

And one, two, three, back, two, three.

Down, two, three, one, two, three.

Come on, count.

Oh. One, two, three, and back-- Not out loud.

Can't you think something without actually saying it?

Yeah, I'm doing it right now.

No, no, no, no, no. You see, it's forward, two, three--

He's trying, Mr. Vargas, he just has no sense of rhythm.

You see, he was raised on a commune, and--

I don't need a bio, chica. He's not the problem.

I'm not? He's not?

No, you are.

Tough break, chica.

And one, two, three, down...

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

You got me.

You're so good.

You know, the first time I saw this

Kristen blew me away,

but this girl she might be better.

I mean, she really made Glinda her own.

Well, hello, Russell.

Oh, my God. This isn't a strip club.

I want my money back!

Hey, Audrey!

Oh, my God. I thought this was a strip club,

I got all turned around--

I saw you inside. No, you didn't.

You were crying. No, I wasn't.

I took a picture.

That's good quality.

Now, delete it! Delete it!

Fine.

Fine, I was in there.

I like musicals. Don't tell anyone.

Mm, that you were here? That you were sobbing?

Or that "she really made Glinda her own?"

Okay, okay.

What's it gonna take to keep you quiet?

What do you got?

I can get you great seats to any show, any time.

Come on. What's your connection?

Well, I may or may not be the editor

of Bernadette Peters' fanzine.

Deal. Okay.

But you do not want to cross me on this.

Because I swear to you if anyone finds out,

you will rue the day that you--

Ooh, second act!

That's all you're having?

Oh, we have a dance lesson today

and Mr. Vargas doesn't like us to practice

on a full stomach.

Screw Mr. Vargas.

Trouble in Danceland?

Oh, well, it seems that "we're" not as good

as "we" thought "we" were.

That joke stopped being funny like four days ago.

Oh, has it been four days?

Because, you'd think that "we'd" be better by now.

Don't get mad, honey. It's just a dance class.

It's like you said, it's something we can do together.

So you snuck in late last night.

Oh, yeah. The show was over three hours long.

I didn't get home till after midnight.

Mr. Vargas says it's important to get a good night's sleep.

Oh, my God.

It was so good, Jeff. You would've hated it.

See how that works?

She goes to the theater,

I stay home where I don't have to hear anyone

express themself through song.

Unless, of course, Adam breaks out

in a love ballad to Mr. Vargas.

Jealous.

You almost finished there?

I don't want to be late for the boat show.

Only the first 500 customers

get the commemorative refrigerator magnet.

Oh, that's today? I have a ticket to the matinee.

I'm going to the theater.

Again? You're turning into a, uh...

what do you call those people who always go to the theater?

Theater-goers.

You wouldn't believe how often we have this exact conversation.

You always have fun when we go.

We eat boat show junk, use boat lingo,

I make a funny "seaman" pun.

I quietly question all my life choices...

You know, I've never been to a boat show.

What do you do there?