Star Trek: Lower Decks

That was titled "Essence." I wrote it about my mom.

This next piece is also about my mom.

- Uh, excuse me... - Wrap it up, nerd.

- I'm still... - All right, I don't know what this is called,

and I don't care.

Two, three, four!

That's kind of loud!

What is the meaning of this intense bass?

Are you mocking me?!

I don't hear it on our side.

It must be your equipment.

Engineer K'noch, today you die!

Will someone shut that up?!

You're welcome.

Okay, whatever that was.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Requiem for a Hug."

Captain says you're too loud!

Oh, God, oh, no, no, I'm so sorry.

First officer's log, stardate 57501.4.

TheCerritos is en route to Cardassia Prime

for the most amazing reason.

Captain Freeman is going to be instrumental in brokering peace

between the... Uh, wait.

Just... reading a little message here.

Yada yada yada. Oh.

Oh, no.

The captain is not gonna be happy about this.

What the hell are you talking about!

I'm sorry, Captain Freeman,

but we're moving the peace negotiations to Vulcan.

Nobody wants to go to Cardassia Prime.

The Cardassians are creeping everyone out.

But I already prepared a speech, I learned how to do the dance...

I'm sure you'll be involved

in the nexthistoric, once-in-a-lifetime summit.

For now, you'll be heading to Gelrak 5

and, uh, endowing them with diplomatic trinkets.

We're delivering gifts?

Godspeed, Captain.

I spent weeks learning how tobark out Cardassian small talk.

Seems like they just changed locations.

- I don't think it was a slight on the Cerritos. - Yeah, right.

Nobody respects us, because we don't demand their respect.

This ship is a joke.

Well, then we're the funniest joke in all of Starfleet.

Shut up, Jack! I'm sick of it.

We have to do something to prove

that this crew isn't a bunch of slackers.

Okay, try it now.

Field strength is at..

- Ooh! - 100%

You almost phasered me!

Calm down. It's set to...

Uh, it was... it was set to stun.

Hey, Boimler, how's the field integrity looking in there?

Uh... oh!

It's good.

Okay. Computer, margaritas. Frozen. Salt.

Wait, don't we have to report

that we're done so we can get a new task?

Don't sweat it, baby girl... likemany things, commanders have

no idea how long it takes to balance a phase variance.

You never admit the actual amount of time it takes

to finish a job... if you did, your days would be packed.

- Isn't that lying? - No. It's creative estimating.

When you get an assignment,

you exaggerate how long it's gonna take,

then you're a hero when it's done early.

Eh, it's just a little buffer time. No biggie.

And you're okay with this?

No! If it were up to me, we'd never take a break.

But it's Lower Decks tradition.

Tendi, how long will it take to repair a biobed?

Oh, uh, that would take about five...

hours.

Excuse me?

That's great!

Aw, Tendi, look at us.

Lower Decks... breaching protocol together.

Friendship!

Oh, be sure to stroll throughthe ship as slowly as possible.

It's not like we're busy exploring

the mysteries of the cosmos!

Does no one do any work around here?!

- Geez, there goes buffer time. - What was that, Ensign?

Uh, nothing, Captain.

- Uh... - Bridge.

Cap'n. I mean, Captain.

Anything to report, Ensign?

Uh, keeping busy. I inventoried Cargo Bay Four,

assisted with the baryon sweep

of the warp nacelles, skipped buffer time

and went straight to work on...-Turbolift halt!

What is "buffer time"?

Uh...

What's up with you? You're looking more, like,

- weaselly than usual. - Well, th-that's just how my face looks.

You-you know that.

Oh.

"Effective immediately, the Lower Deck scheduling deceit

will no longer be tolerated"?

What scheduling deceit?

Wait. Let me see. "All assignments

"must be completed and logged in exactly the time mandated

- by command"? - Are we being timed?

"Failure to meet quotas will not be tolerated."

Ah, this is bad, this is bad.

I-I thought it was tradition. I thought you said nobody cared.

They didn't. There was no way the captain noticed

we were padding stuff out.

Somebody ratted.

I bet it was Delta shift.

Yeah. Delta shift is the worst.

They thinkthey're so much better than us,

just becausethey're so much better than us.

It doesn't matter who ratted. We don't need buffer time.

We're Starfleet. We're the best of the best,

and we can still get everything done early.

Boimler's right. We don't need a buffer time.

- We've got this! - Yeah, no, yeah, you're probably right.

What's one less margarita a day?

Excuse me!

Watch it.

Rutherford, I need that diagnostic

on the guidance system, now!

But now is right now!

Move!

- Move, move, move, move! - Aah!

Come on, watch where you're going.

Now I only have ten minutes to do a 30-minute calibration.

Stop yelling!

Uh, sorry, wish I could help.

I'm late for Ransom's stupid away mission.

Ensign Tendi! You were supposed to be

in sickbay 20 minutes ago!

- I'm coming! - Personal Log:

I've completed all of today's assignments ahead of schedule,

and have requested more.

The funnestfrontier?

Ooh. Somebody's got to purge the calibration matrix.

I call dibs!

All right, let's see a little hustle there, guys.

An away mission is only routineuntil it isn't.

Horned gorillas, sentient tar,

spores that make you hook upwith your best friend's sister...

all disasters I've personally experienced

on missions that should have been a walk in the park.

Mariner, you're late.

Uh, no, I've been here the whole time, you know,

loading stuff, hearing aboutgorillas, uh, spores, et cetera,

that weird story you told usabout your best friend's sister.

Get it together, Mariner.

The captain has us on a strict timetable.

Well, then maybe you could help

instead of whatever you're doingright now.

I am helping. I'm commanding.

You're lucky your phaser accuracy is so high,

or I'd never let you beam off this ship.

We wouldn't even be going on a mission if the admiral

hadn't downgraded the captain to delivering gifts.

- Come on, let's bail. - No. And roll down those sleeves.

This isn't a barn.

The Gelrakians base their entire social structure

around crystals.

When we land, we must display the honor crystal they gave

to the first contact team to show that we come in peace.

I should've tried that with my ex.

Yeah.

I'm picking up an increase in atmospheric hydromounds.

Yeah, they're called clouds, man.

Just to be safe, I'll disengage autopilot

and land her manually.

That's literally what the autopilot's for.

It's a automatic pilot.

Perfect landing, sir.

Not even my best work, to be honest.

- We could've just beamed down. - I didn't catch that, Mariner.

Uh, yeah I just said we should get going, clock is ticking.

Uh, productivity and et cetera.

We'll go when I give the order.

Let's roll.

Greetings. It is an honor to...

Ensign Vendome, the honor crystal.

- This isn't crystals. - He's got wood. He's got wood!

Uh-oh, that doesn't sound peaceful.

- Uh, uh... - Where's the crystal, Vendome?

Sir, I loaded the wrong case.

This is a fertility totem meant for Mavok Prime.

I-I was rushing to finish my tasks.

You dare insult us

with this perverted woodensex charm of our sworn enemies?

This is an act of war.

Starfleet scum!

Vendome!

There's too many of them. Fall back!

Come on.

- Oh, God, I'm gonna die! - We live on a spaceship.

Nobody is dying from a spear wound.

Crystals!

- Oh. Hate when this happens. - Oh!