Raising Hope

Stop it!

Hope made this for me at day care.

It's not for eating.

If I was wearing food, I'd share it with you.

Come on. Just a...

Shh! Trailers are the best part.

I enjoy Jack Black for 30 seconds at a time.

Shh!

I'll be quiet when the cartoon popcorn tells me to be quiet.

In every neighborhood, there's a house like this.

And in every house like that,

there's a family like this.

Pull my finger, Grandma.

But this Christmas, this family is getting a gift

they didn't expect.

I got a serial killer pregnant, and now she's dead

and I have to raise the baby...!

Ugh!

Whuh-oh!

We ain't raising no baby! I clean toilets all day.

I ain't cleaning no baby diapers all night long!

I already cleaned Grand Ma Ma's.

I like her.

How will this family of idiots raise a baby

when they can barely keep themselves alive?

I don't know why people wait for their toast

to come out to butter it.

Me... even stupider now!

Me electrocute brain!

This Christmas, ...

It can't be us. It can't be us. It can't be us.

You'll be glad you're not them.

Whackadoo!

Raising Hope S02E10 "It's a Hopeful Life"

I got a little crazy last night at the Bar Association Christmas party.

You gotta stop these people from putting this movie out!

According to my research, Lucy's family sold the rights

to their daughter's story,

which they weren't that interested in

except for the parts that involved your family.

Well, we didn't sell our story!

Well, apparently, Jimmy did.

What? Jimmy! What in the hell?

I don't remember signing any...

Oh, wait.

I can't believe I won a beach ball.

I've never won anything.

Yeah, it's all yours.

You just need to sign these documents

in case of any possible injury caused by the beach ball.

Dad, you're not gonna believe this!

A beach ball, Jimmy?

You can get one of those for free at a concert

if you can snatch it out of the air and run fast enough!

I told you not to answer the door after

we got you back from the Jehovah's Witnesses!

Kelly, can you bring me some aspirin?

Wally, you gotta shut this movie down!

It opens tomorrow night!

If the whole world sees this,

we're gonna to be famous in the bad way,

like that no-name actor from Lost

who married that 16-year-old girl. Mm!

Oh!

I slept with my assistant last night.

That's gonna make things awkward around here.

Forget about what people think of us.

What about Hope? I mean, the whole world now knows

she's the daughter of a serial killer.

And the guy playing me makes me look like I have a paunch.

Well, that would be upsetting

because your abs are dynamite.

But they have your signature. There's nothing I can do.

Now, if there was something wrong with your beach ball...

No.

It was awesome.

Well, the Natesville Times has weighed in.

"Chances are you'll enjoy laughing at these imbeciles."

Which I thought was okay

till I looked up the word "imbeciles."

Not good.

Well, Hope's asleep and waiting for Santa.

Does anybody want to go get a tree?

I feel like stringing lights up

on something a bit safer than a bathtub.

Apparently, that operator I called this morning wasn't able

to get our names out of the phone books because now we got

a bunch lookie-loos gawking at our house!

Hey, you wanna take a picture of something?!

Take a picture of this!

I wouldn't go out there, Jimmy.

Someone might try to convince you

to trade our house for a yo-yo.

Oh, fine, I get it. I'm stupid!

Yes! And now, thanks to you,

everyone's gonna believe the nonsense in that movie

and think we're trash.

Move over, Burt, I want in on this.

It's not just me.

We're all stupid!

You guys are always doing stupid stuff like...

Like what?

Name something.

The Christmas lights in the tub?

Ah, you already said that. Admit it, you're the dumb one

for selling the movie people your rights.

It's not my fault. I'm your kid.

If I'm dumb, it's because I've got you guy-ses "D" and "A".

I'm getting a tree!

I just had the most invigorating bath.

Oh, man...

Hey, what are you guys doing?!

You promised me you weren't gonna see the movie!

To be fair, we never thought you'd find out.

Sorry, James. It looks funny.

I did it for employee morale.

Not yours, of course.

If you were anyone but you, you'd understand.

Guys, I got a purse full of licorice...

Ooh! Mama mia!

A-what-a Christmas is this!

I got to go to make-a de pizza.

You think he bought that?

My family is mad at me,

my friends are jerks...

and now my daughter's gonna be

the laughingstock of the whole country!

Your singing is the only thing I haven't screwed up!

And now I screwed that up by talking...

Thanks, Clarence.

I have some announcements to make!

Drunk Santa... karaoke guy...

feel good because you have made good decisions in life.

And I did not. Why?

Because I made sex with a serial killer named Lucy

in the back of my van, and now my life blows!

Things would have been so much better

if hadn't picked up Lucy in my van that night.

You hear that, disgusting Santa?

I wish I had never picked up Lucy in my van!

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Hey, where's Hope's crib?

Where's my necklace?

Your wish came true.

You never picked up Lucy, so she never got pregnant,

and you don't have a daughter.

What?!

It's a Christmas miracle!

Okay, Maw Maw, seriously, where's Hope?

Where's all her stuff?

I told you, there is no Hope.

Ma?! Dad?!

Mom?

Why is there a shower curtain hanging in here?

Because your parents are separated

and Burt can't afford a new place.

Mom! Dad!

Maw Maw's acting batty and she hid Hope again!

Don't turn on the oven!

Mom?! Dad?!

Stop yelling!

You're not the only one who got hammered last night.

Oh, Mom, you're huge!

Are you having an allergic reaction or something?

Yeah, I'm allergic to fast food.

If I eat more than 350 chicken nuggets in a day,

I blow up like a balloon.

What are you doing? You quit smoking.

Yep, three minutes ago.

And now I'm starting again.

Hmm. You be a dear, will ya?

Get me a new cough rag.

I can't find the white spot on this one anywhere.

Remember, you wished you never slept with Lucy.

Well, you got your wish,

which means you didn't have Hope,

so she didn't need to quit smoking.

Hey, Jimmy, check it out!

I got a hottie's digits!

Read it and weep, cow.

"555"?

It's fake. It's a TV phone number.

So? Maybe Jane D.'s so hot she's on TV.

Well, good for you.

Just make sure you buy her flowers when you pick her up

at "123 Go Away Street."

Well, at least I'm out there meeting people.

I'm not spending my days on the couch having

a threesome with Ben and Jerry.

All part of your wish.

I never wished for them to be miserable like this.

Without Hope in your life, you had no purpose, no direction.

You quit your part-time job.

You became a full-time loser.

And as you soon learned,

being a full-time loser didn't pay very well,

so you resorted to a life of crime...

which resulted in you getting two prison tattoos

and an addiction to toilet wine.

Instead of having a cute baby to bond over,