Chicken Coop

Someone once said,

"Time is what we want most,

but what we use the worst."

Maybe I'm misquoting, but it was something like that.

- Isaac, what are you doing up there?

I don't know.

- Well, when you're done come down,

we've got work to do.

- This is supposed to be my vacation.

- We have an hour till the lift shows up.

- Can I even while you, you know?

- Let me ask you a question.

What?

- What happened to that crazy hillbilly

with a guitar that I fell in love with?

The one that used to always make me laugh?

I wasn't no hillbilly.

You wasn't no-

- Shut up. - Hillbilly.

- Shut up. I can still make you laugh.

It's not really funny

when I'm always in the middle of the joke.

- Isn't that what they warn you about, marrying funny guys?

They're great until they start using you

for their comedic material.

- I should've listened, shouldn't I?

Hm, I don't know, maybe.

Hm, kidding, Isaac.

I can still make you laugh.

- No, that's ticklish, stop! Stop!

- Not gonna be much of a white Christmas this year.

Hardly any snow on the ground.

This whole area looks different.

Look at all these new subdivisions.

What is it?

- Hmm. There's cheese in this burrito.

- Well, should I ask him to turn around and go back?

No, it's fine.

We'll just wait till we get to your dad's house

and we'll ask if he has a granola bar.

I'm sure he has something.

- I don't think I've seen him eat a granola bar ever

in my entire life.

The man keeps chickens.

Ipso facto, he eats eggs for breakfast,

probably with some cheese sprinkled on top.

A couple of strips of bacon.

He's gonna get cancer.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

What?

- Could you not mention the vegan thing?

He doesn't know?

- I do not wanna have that conversation with him.

- How are we supposed to eat in front of your father

without him knowing?

- I'm gonna have clients up my ass next week

because I wasn't in my office.

Can't it wait?

Geez, I dragged you out here,

this is what you wanted to do.

- Do you like that nice house we live in?

- God, who shit in your cereal this morning?

Maybe shouldn't even be eating anyways because.

Hey, you wanna hear a joke?

- No. - You gonna like it.

- No. - A vegan, an atheist,

and a CrossFitter walked into a bar.

And I only know that because they told everyone

as soon as they introduced themselves.

- I'm not playing this game with you.

- I didn't have cereal this morning

because you wanted to get a $15 vegan burrito.

You called and he answered.

Of course he answered.

He has a home phone and no caller ID.

Well, he didn't hang up.

Look, my sister

didn't talk to my mom-

- I get your point. - For like six years.

I've heard the story.

And you're right,

he didn't hang up

and now we're here. - I know.

I'm just saying

this is the right thing to do.

Don't you love your father?

Where are the horses?

Don't know.

Hi!

Oh, good to see you.

Didn't gotta knock, you know?

- Well, I don't have a key.

I don't lock the doors.

Been here 30 years.

Who's ever tried to break into this house?

I don't even think that sliding door there even can lock.

You guys grabbed some food?

Yeah, that's for us.

What's that?

Some, uh, breakfast burritos

from some hipster joint Tania found on Yelp.

- Oh, well, I was about ready to go out

and get some eggs, but that'll do.

You ain't eating?

- My stomach is feeling a bit upset.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie.

I got Tums and Pepto in the medicine cabinet.

Uh, I, I'm okay.

No, no, I insist.

Can't have you suffering all day. Hold on.

- Just eat the burrito, it'll make everything easier.

- No, I'm gonna order my own lunch,

because every time you order something it goes wrong.

- Every time? - Every time. It's just-

- Well, it looks like I'm outta the pills, actually.

I've had some problems, but always had a cast-iron stomach.

No longer though.

Mm.

Mm. Here we go.

Oh! Thanks, Abe.

Yeah.

- Mm. - Mm!

There you go.

So, uh, what time was your flight this morning?

- We actually flew in yesterday afternoon.

- Oh, yeah, I, I got up around 6:00

and cleaned the place up a little bit.

Anticipation y'all was arriving.

- You didn't have to do that, Dad, you got a bad back.

- I can push the vacuum just fine.

Besides, I had needed to get the spare room ready,

and all that stuff.

We were actually planning on-

- We got another Airbnb for tonight.

- No, absolutely not. That is an incredible waste of money.

We didn't wanna be a burden.

- Not a burden. - Dad.

Cancel the reservation.

- We don't want you to have to worry about us.

- Cancel the reservation. You're not burdening anybody.

Fine.

I'll go call 'em right now.

- Okay. Wanna go help me feed the chickens, sweetie?

- You should really lock your doors.

You know, you big-city people,

you can't solve any of your problems,

so people think they can break into your place

and steal all your stuff.

I heard in LA that you can steal up to $900 a day

with absolutely no legal repercussions.

Is that true?

People get robbed at Christmas

more than any other time of the year.

Did you know that?

Well, did you know that a lock

don't keep anybody out if they really want to get in.

You know what does?

What?

Bullets. I got plenty of them.

They ain't gonna bite, you know?

- I'm not scared of chickens, Abe.

- You just looked hesitant, is all.

I did used to have a, a rooster, he'd slash at ya.

Nasty little pecker.

But he got me one too many times,

so I went and chopped off his head.

Really?

- Yeah, and didn't even taste any good.

All sorts of chewy, you know?

- Why don't you just let 'em out?

Let 'em run around, eat some of the bugs?

Well, I used to

unti- 'til they started getting a taste

of old Dale's strawberries.

He was not happy about that.

- Well, why don't you just put in a better fence?

- Oh, you got any idea how much fence costs nowadays?

Can't afford to be putting up a new fence,

just so some silly chickens go around, free-ranging it.

I got a whole acre here.

- Well, we can help you with that.

I don't want that kinda help.

See any more? - What?

Eggs.

Uh, sorry, I got distracted.

I was just admiring the chicken coop.

- Isaac actually helped me build it.

Nicest chicken coop I ever seen.

Better than my damn house.

Be careful now, it doesn't hold a full bag.

There. That, that's good, that's good.

Fair trade.

Mm.

They're so adorable.

Delicious too.

We'll have to slaughter one for you while you here

so you can try it out. - No!

No, I don't want you to do that

because they're so cute.

I couldn't, I, I mean, I couldn't bear to eat them, they're-