The Cleaner

You should prepare yourself.

Where is it?

I told him what to expect...

Just show me.

Bloody hell, Ruth!

This is going to take ages!

I told your boss it was a bad one.

It's 3.00! I'm supposed to be...

Curry night. I told them, "He won't like this.

"It's curry night at the White Horse."

It's on everything!

Look, it's on curtains, bloody clock!

Who puts a white rug in a kitchen?

Did Siegfried move here after Roy died?

Jesus! What happened? A woman killed her husband.

What with, a combine harvester?

Stabbed him 38 times. Why?

To piss me off?

You only need five stabs.

Anything else is showboating.

Oh, you'll be all right, you've got ages!

I'm a cleaner.

I'm not Jesus.

The naans come out at 7.00, and they go stale very quickly.

I need to be sat down by 6.30 at the latest.

Well, there you go, three hours.

And I'm up there later.

I'll get Mervin to keep you a jalfrezi.

Do you think this is a three-hour job?

I've not looked yet,

but I'd be willing to bet there's blood on the ceiling.

Yep! Hello! Oh, and also...

..the models need doing.

They were his pride and joy, apparently. Why? He's dead!

Who's going to care? His wife who murdered him?

Or am I being thorough for a ghost?

You're just grumpy cos you're on a promise from the tattooed milf.

No, I'm not.

She'll be waiting for you, no matter how late you get there.

I'm not seeing her any more. Aw. Why not?

I think it was cos I realised that everybody calls her

"the tattooed milf" - even her own mother.

She doesn't even have that many tattoos.

You haven't seen her back, mate. It's all anchors and sea monsters.

It's like shagging a treasure map. Ohh, God!

She's even got it on the pot plants!

Oh, well, good luck, Mr Mop.

See you later...hopefully.

All right.

Right, Wicky.

Think curry.

Just think delicious curry.

The Only One I Know by The Charlatans

# The only one I know

# Has come to take me away

# The only one I know

# Is mine when she stitches me

# The only one I see

# Has found an aching in me

# The only one I see

# Has turned her tongue into me

# Everyone...

BOTTLE SQUEAKS, MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

DOOR CLOSES

Hello? Mr Policeman?

It's the friendly neighbour!

Hello. Argh!

SHE SCREAMS

THEY SCREAM

Hey!

How are you feeling?

SHE SIGHS

Yeah, I'm a little shaken, but I'll live.

Honestly, you're just like my boy,

running around, causing chaos. SHE LAUGHS

To be honest with you,

I was pretty pleased that I kicked that high.

Ah! You boys and your karate!

Ah...

Well, I'd better get on.

Yes, dear. I'm just waiting for my letter.

Your...?

Well, as I say to my boy,

what's an apology without a letter?

It's like a burp in the wind, huh? SHE LAUGHS

You want me to write you an apology letter?

The pie didn't kick itself out of my hands now, did it, dear?

Why not?

Well, it came as no surprise to me that Mrs Bellingham did this.

Never trust a woman who doesn't bake.

I used to bring a pie round every Tuesday

for poor Mr Bellingham.

And now, look.

Not all women bake, though, do they?

All women of my generation do.

It was drummed into us -

and if she's not baking, what is she doing?

I guess she's into other things.

Exactly what Myra Hindley said.

So...you must be a policeman.

How exciting.

No, I'm here to clean up, so...

You're a cleaner? What did I tell you?

The world is upside down!

Crime scene cleaner.

It needs a woman's touch.

Now, get me a mop, and I'll do it.

Name a stain! Pardon?

Name a stain that's impossible to get out.

Beetroot on linen.

Pectinase. What?

It's an enzyme which breaks down pectin, a polysaccharide

found in plant cell walls.

Used in conjunction with hydrogen peroxide

and a microfibre brush,

I can get beetroot out of anything.

And you know why?

Because I am a qualified crime scene cleaner.

I can get dried blood out of a white woollen carpet.

I can remove skull fragments from velvet. Ew!

So...think on!

DOOR CLOSES

Yeah. Firm, but fair.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

Hello.

Hey!

Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

I let myself in.

Has everyone got keys to this bloody house?

Oh, gosh. I hope not.

Erm, just me and our neighbour now, I think. It's all right.

At least you weren't carrying a pie, I suppose.

Oh, no. I don't bake.

No. It was a source of some... irritation for my husband.

Oh.

You're the, erm...?

Oh, this is...?

I'm the wife, yes.

Oh, I suppose I should say "widow" now.

HE LAUGHS

Yes, I suppose you should!

I was just, erm...

I was just going to go and get some...murder.

Some...? Some murder for the stab.

What am I talking about?

I was just going to go and fill my bucket with blood.

For the murder stab.

Water!

Water to clean the stab a man murder walls of all the blood!

Water!

Water for my bucket!

So, I'll go and do that,

and then, maybe you and I could have a nice cup of tea, couldn't we?

GUN COCKS

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stay.

If you don't mind awfully.

I would be delighted.

OK.

In the cupboard, please.

Oh... In the cupboard.

No, I can't. I'm sorry. I'm claustrophobic.

And I can see they've got wool coats in there,

and I'm allergic.

It makes my throat go up like a puffer fish. Seriously.

Cupboard.

Look, how long are you going to be?

Just collecting some things, then I'll be on my way.

So, like, ten minutes?

Or are you going to lock me in,

and then wait for me to be discovered?

Sorry, have you got somewhere you've got to be?

Well, yeah.

You're being held at gunpoint by a woman who you know has,

within the past 48 hours,

used her husband as a knife block.

So, do weigh up your answer to this really carefully.

What is so...important?

Well, it's nothing. I was just...

I was just going to go to the White Horse.

A pub? It's curry night.

It's curry night? Yeah. It's £5.

And, honestly, considering it's all cooked by a white guy called Mervin,

it is delicious.

What, it's worth being shot for? SHE CHUCKLES

You should come!

It's as many naans as you can eat.

That's a mistake by Mervin.

I had nine last week before the madras came out.

OK. So, you're refusing to get in because of Mervin's naans?

Let's get this over with. Hey, hey, hey, no!

I'll get in. I'll get in. Lovely. It'll be nice.

SHE EXHALES

You couldn't ring ahead, then, could you?

And ask them if they'll put some on one side for me?

If you look on Google, it's the White Horse.

Don't go on the website,

because Mervin messed that up.

The link just takes you to an abattoir.

In Poland.