Let's Make Love

Don't just lay there.

Honey, do something.

One of the great fortunes of the world began here...

on the outskirts of Tours in 17th-century France.

Jean-Marc Clement was a farmer, but not a very good one.

Contemporaries state that with fertile land and plenty of water,

he couldn't grow mud, but he didn't have to.

While hoeing for potatoes, he found a chest of gold.

This is thought to be the origin of the phrase, “Lots of potatoes.”

From then on, Jean-Marc farmed money.

In Paris, the second Jean-Marc was the kind of man...

who could form a syndicate in an empty room.

Balloons were the rage of France.

Jean-Marc bought a balloon factory and prospered.

He was a completely dedicated man,

interested in balloons of every kind.

He died in 1777,

leaving well over 300,000 francs.

The cause of death was listed as “excessive interest in balloons.”

The third Jean-Marc Clement just happened to own a cannon factory.

He supplied munitions for the French army.

He was so fair-minded, people say he supplied the enemy also.

His interests grew and grew...

until the day the munitions factory blew up.

Unfortunately, it was one of the few mornings Jean-Marc reponed to work.

He left millions, and was the first Clement to die vertically.

The fourth Clement carried on the basic traditions of the family,

which is to say a prudent marriage...

plus the lively interest in balloons.

This lively interest led to a duel.

The result was officially listed as a tie.

But Jean-Marc took a short sabbatical in New York.

While there, he picked up 800 acres of property.

It was in the low-rent district, then known as Wall Street.

He returned to the gay life of Paris and threw his life away.

His indiscretions with rich widows brought in less than a million fiance a year.

The fifih Clement was a man who went first' class.

He liked railroads...

by 1855, he owned 43 of them...

and steamships.

He owned a total of 19 different lines.

His dash for power ended the next year...

when negotiations for the purchase of the Atlantic Ocean broke down.

The sixth Clement was pure patriot.

He pioneered the Statue of Liberty...

and talked a Mr. Eiffel into building some son.' of sightseeing tower.

At the time, Jean-Marc controlled all the steel in France.

He died in 1890, leaving 400 millions.

His son immediately set out to make money.

He ran across a man who had some old blueprints in the attic.

The basic patent rights on this notion brought a good, steady income,

more than enough to cover his losses on horses and women,

most of whom were quartered on a yacht called The Harem.

And, of course, there was the old family devotion to sightseeing towers.

Jean-Marc put up 700 of them near Waco, Texas.

He died mysteriously at the age of 91...

aboarda yacht, Harem Ill.

After the usual deductions were made,

he left a fortune estimated on the foreign exchange mart...

as one billion dollars.

As a guide to those in the audience who may not have a bill/on dollars,

let it be stated that the interest on the interest on a billion dollars...

is $70,000 a week.

This is the New York office of the worldwide Clement Enterprises.

The current Jean-Marc Clement seems to embody all the traits of his forebears...

good traits and, cynics point out,

perhaps a few bad ones.

I also like the one I heard in Paris yesterday...

about a man who taught his dog to play poker.

But the poor dog was a terrible gambler,

because every time he got a good hand,

he'd wag his tail.

- That's funny. - That's marvelous.

- Good-bye. - Bye.

Great storyteller.

- And the way he tells a story... - Certainly not dull.

I agree with you.

Hi. I'm Coffman from Public Relations downstairs.

Oh, yes. The gentlemen with the emergency.

Mr. Wales expects you.

Thank you.

What emergency concerns Mr. Clement?

It's this item in the newspaper, sir. I thought you might like to see this.

I read no item in this morning's newspaper concerning Mr. Clement.

This isn't a regular newspaper, Mr. Wales.

This is Variety, the theatrical paper.

How could anything theatrical concern Mr. Clement?

Would you read that, please, sir?

- Come with me. - Right.

Good morning, George. Feast your eyes.

What, more? How much?

- You don't measure art by money. - I do.

Good heavens. This is the Meister collection...

that the Louvre and the National Gallery were bidding for.

- You outbid two governments? - Oh, it was a pleasure.

The Renoir, I will hang in the Paris apartment.

The Matisse, I think in the Hong Kong office.

And the van Gogh...

Oh, I think it will be perfect on the yacht.

- How do you do? - I beg your pardon.

This is Alexander Hoffman.

Coffman. Public Relations. Ours.

How do you do, sir?

Jean-Marc.

- It's something serious. - Hmm.

I can tell by the breathing.

Somebody's putting on a show, and you're going to be portrayed in it.

Really? I couldn't be more flattered.

Listen to this.

“Greenwich Village Revue to Caricature Celebrities in the Theateround.

Some of the public figures up for laughs are Maria Callas,

Elvis Presley, Van Cliburn and Jean-Marc Clement, amongst others.”

You're going to be made ridiculous.

Oh!

Do you mind if Coffman leaves us for a moment?

Of course not, George.

Yes. Coffman.

No,no,no. You'd better go in there. Thanks.

I've known for a long time that something like this is bound to happen.

All those women you take out in public, this is the result.

I'm not anxious to take them out in public, George.

They won't stay indoors.

Jean-Marc, your father's no longer here to uphold the dignity of your name.

Now then, I've put on this young man...

to do nothing but keep your name out of the newspapers.

I want you to take him seriously.

I want you to start at once.

Very well, George. And try not to worry so much about me.

Oh, I've been worrying about you since your christening at Notre Dame.

I wouldn't mind a little change at all.

- Coffman! - Yes, sir?

What are you being paid for? You call this good public relations?

- No, sir, I do not. - Well, I want it stopped, you understand?

It's an invasion of privacy.

If you can't stop it, I will.

Is that correct, Jean-Marc?

- Absolutely. - Thank you.

Run along.

- Good-bye, sir. - Good-bye, Coffman.

I'll get on this right away.

“By reason that they should dissolve their partnership...

and to maintain the...”

You may use the private elevator.

“By arrangement they have con...”

There. There.

“Now, therefore, it is agreed to end this legally by the two parties”...

- Mr. Coffman? - Yes.

You'll please return to Mr. Clement's office.

Yes, sir?

Beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, yes. Mm-hmm. Very.

Coffman, I'm not especially thin-skinned...

about some jokes that might be made about me on the stage.

But if it's too embarrassing about girls, that can be serious.

Sit down.

Will it help if I got the show closed up?

Well, sir, then you run the danger of getting more bad publicity...

if you do something like that.

Yes, that's possible.

It's a very small theater, isn't it?

Not many people would really see an off-Broadway show.

Well, if they're successful,

people like Ed Sullivan often use parts of them on television.

Life, Look, Paris Match even, might pick it up.

Especially since they're using your name.

Mm-hmm.

I may be more thin-skinned than I suspect.

I don't seem to relish being laughed at.

Um...

Go on. You've thought of something. Say it.

Well, I don't know if you... if you'd care for this,

but, um, would you consider attending a rehearsal of the show, sir?

Why? What would that accomplish?

It would take the sting out of anything they're doing. It would be disarming.

If you show them that you have a sense of humor and that you can laugh at yourself,

then all the rest of the laughter is good-natured.

That's my opinion.

Would they think it odd for me to attend a rehearsal?