Californication - Fifth Season

Previously on Californication...

My ex-wife is looking for a new nanny for our son.

Any interest?

- You like that? - No, Charlie!

Hey, we could watch a movie or something.

- Inappropriate, Charlie. - Right, that.

How's Becca?

Boyfriend. I wanna kill him, Hank.

A young, good-looking guy, swoops in, starts sniffing

around your one-and-only, and you question his motives.

But I really like your daughter.

- He's you. - What are you talking about?

The kid's a loathsome, fucking asshole.

I'd like to introduce you to Richard Bates.

Haven't touched the stuff since Slick Willie

was in the White House.

- Richard. - Baby. Come on up, honey!

Stop it.

Tyler switched drinks, thought it'd be funny

to watch him get drunk.

Jesus, that kid really is a young me.

Want me to go after him?

No, I don't. Just let him run it off.

Hey, can I come in?

It's Richard, you know, he won't stop drinking.

I think I made a terrible mistake, you know?

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck, please tell me we didn't.

I can't tell you that.

- Oh, my God. - I-I-I won't tell you that.

- Y-y-you don't remember? - No.

- Anything? - No.

Of course we did.

It was pretty epic stuff, too.

It was like a goddamn sex opera.

Your aria was beautiful, by the way.

Oh, my God, this is so fucked up.

Yeah...and not even remotely true.

- Really? - Gimme a break, lady.

I didn't even lay a hand on you.

Do you really think I'd take advantage of a married woman

in such a sorry state?

That's not very nice.

Oh, God, all I remember is, like...

having a couple of drinks and then--

Which, for you, is like the equivalent

of getting totally blotto.

I know--

- No-- - Come on.

Give me a little tongue for being good!

Thank you, thank you for not taking advantage

of me when I'm sure you totally could have.

Now you tell me.

Whoa. Batesy?

- - What the fuck, dude?

Hank.

Talk to me, buddy. Use your words.

Quietly.

Hank, I woke up in a strange woman's bed.

Oh.

I mean, she was naked, Hank.

Incredibly naked.

I got it.

I can't find my wedding ring. I'm fucked!

Shh! Inside voice.

I can't go home and face Karen like this.

- Been there. -

Why don't we do this?

Hey, Batesy. Batesy, stay.

Stay.

Hey, did I hear someone crying?

Oh, yeah, that's just Charlie.

- Oh, my God-- - No, he's fine.

He cries a lot, wouldn't you?

- Let's go to see-- -

You wanna go grab some breakfast?

Uh, no. N-n-no. Not hungry.

- No? - Tummy troubles, actually.

Too much booze and marital woe.

Yeah, it was like watching a very special episode

of Real Housewives of somewhere lame.

- I-- - Yeah...

I think you should go, Karen.

I think you gotta go.

What? Wha--

No. I-I just kind of figured you'd wanna hang out

- for a while-- - Oh, all right, all right.

So I'm like some lovelorn puppy, you throw me a bone,

I'm supposed to roll over, lick my balls, and fetch?

Is that it?

Well, maybe next time, Karen.

Peace be with you.

Off you go.

Batesy!

Pretty grim, Batesy.

How the fuck did you end up here?

Ah, I just remember drinking myself blind,

getting into a cab.

Told the guy to take me to a fucking strip club,

and after that, it's just a blur of titties and beer.

- -

Oh, shit. This way.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Hello?

Oh, hey. Hey!

Bates!

You snuck out on me, you tricky little dicky, you!

She knows my name, Hank.

Yes, indeed, she does...

And she appears to have your wedding ring, too.

You know, I'm going to be, uh, sick.

Uh, may I--

Oh, you know where the bathroom is.

Down the hall and to the left.

That's where I shot you up last night!

I'm just kidding.

- Hank. - Oh, Holly.

Holly. Okay. So, uh...

What's it gonna take if the man needs his wedding ring back?

Oh, well, I mean, I understand,

and I'm totally sympathetic, but he did pay me with it.

The guy went to town in the VIP room.

Dance after dance after dance.

I shook my moneymaker to an entire album for him.

Guns n' Roses. Appetite.

- Great album, great album. - The best.

Lost my cherry to it. Front and back.

Hmm.

How much... Is it gonna--

Come on.

- These are 20s. - I know. Come on.

Okay. That's it.

Not a dollar more. That's what I'm owed.

Mm-hmm.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure thing, Hank.

Did you guys, uh, you know--

- Fuck? - Yeah.

What do you think, I'm a slut?

You think just because I dance naked for money,

- that I'm an easy lay? - No.

Oh, really?

Well, no, actually.

We came back here, we brewed some mint tea,

curled up on the sofa,

and watched some British television.

Return to Cranford. Have you seen it?

- Oh, it's a real treat. - Hmm.

Of course we fucked! The guy's an animal.

Come on.

Did he wear a rubber?

Oh, no glove, no love. That's my policy.

That's a solid policy.

- Hi, Charlie. - Hi, Lizzie.

Can I come in?

Ooh, do you think it's appropriate?

In this case, yes.

I just wanted to say good-bye.

Good-bye? What are you talking about?

You just said hello.

Marcy let me go.

Really?

As in, fired you? Why?

Well, it's a long story, but...

Basically, she thinks I was trying

- to seduce her husband. - Were you?

Stu's not exactly my type, Charlie.

He has a very big penis. Seriously.

It's like a pile of snakes with an apple on top.

That's disgusting, Charlie.

Very. So, what happened?

Well, Stuart was taking a nap, and it was so hot in the hills.

I thought I'd go for a swim.

They're always encouraging me to use their pool.

I didn't have a bathing suit.

Continue...please.

But no one was home.

Mr. Beggs, I am so sorry!

Stuart's asleep, and I thought I was here alone.

No apologies, dear.

You have a magnificent body.

And call me Stu.

- So, you were naked. - Completely.

And I think he must've said something to Marcy,

and she thought it was inappropriate.

And then suddenly, she started screaming,

and I was fired. Charlie?

You let me see what I can do.

I'll--I'll go talk to them.

Thank you, Charlie, you're a dream.

Now, just so I'm clear, you were totally naked?

- Yes, Charlie. - Okay.

Good. Got it.

Yeah. Um, do you mind terribly if I use your shower?

It's just--I feel so dirty and disgusting after all this.

No problem at all! Be my guest.

- Um-- - Yes.

I'll be totally naked in your shower Charlie.

Excellent!

Fuck it, I gotta know. Did she say what happened?