Bitter Melon

Ersatz

-Hi, Mina. - Mom, Lola says, "Don't forget the toilet paper."

It's the only thing I'm buying, why would I forget it?

I'm just telling you what Lola said.

Tell your Lola that I have it

and I'm already on the bus.

Can you get me some Green Tea Kit Kats?

I already told you I'm on the bus, Mina.

There's gonna be a lot of sweets tonight.

Tell your Lola not to put any sweets out until I get home.

Okay. Dad said to get his cigarettes too.

-Okay, I'll get his cigarettes. -So can you get me the Kit Kats, then?

Yes, Mina, I'll get your Kit Kats.

-Green Tea Kit Kats, okay? -Yes, Mina.

-Thanks, mom. - It's Troy's favorite.

Wait a minute. Did you tell your mom?

Yeah, Mom said to put out all the sweets before she gets home.

Are you sure your mom is bringing the mango cake?

Yes, Auntie. My mom is bringing the mango cake.

I saw her making it from scratch.

Scratch? Why? She can buy it from Red Ribbon.

Well, it'll be better than Red Ribbon.

Yeah, okay, because it's Troy's favorite.

Whoa, it's Troy's favorite. So basically, it'll piss Troy off, right?

- Tiva. -I don't know how you could even live with Troy.

-I'd be so depressed. -Depression is for white people.

Depression is for white people. Okay, Auntie. I've gotta go. I'm almost at the airport now.

-Tiva's almost at the airport and you're in Denver?

Only for a little while. I'm literally running to catch my connecting flight.

-You could've texted me, Moe. -How was I gonna do that, Declan, huh?

By the time I realized I was late, I was already up in the air.

-You could've messaged, emailed. -I am not paying for Wi-Fi on a plane.

-It's way too expensive. -You are so cheap.

I gotta get off. You're racking up my minutes.

Alright. I'll let everybody know you'll be late,

but can you at least text Tiva to let her know?

Fine, I'll text her. Fuckin A, man. Pull the stick out of your ass.

-Excuse me? -You know I didn't mean it like that. I'll call you when I land.

-What's up, cuz? -What up, cuz?

People who hear us will think we're Mexican.

People always think we're Mexican.

Pack of Newports.

-Do you have Green Tea Kit Kats? -Green Tea Kit Kats? What is that? A thing?

It doesn't matter.

Wow, you have been keeping busy.

That's why I spent four months in Mali.

-Wow, Mali, Africa? -No, Molly Ringwald.

-Wow, sobra. -

Just got a text from Moe.

"Fuckin a man. Gonna be a few hours late, sorry."

He's not fucking a man.

He's saying, "Fuckin A, man."

-Julie, I'm not stressed. I just hate my family, you know. -You don't hate your family.

I do and Declan was one person who I thought was on my side.

Just because he wants you to be on time, you think that he's not on your side?

I should shut this down. We're racking up limits.

This isn't about Declan at all, is it?

You think I'm stressed about you?

-Uh, I didn't say you're stressed about me. -You just did.

-No, I said-- -Julie, I heard what you said.

Moe, calm down. Just answer me this, did you tell your family about us yet?

- Oh, no, you didn't. - I just feel more at home in New York.

- Not my thing. -Well, you should come visit and experience my New York.

What's so great about your New York?

Well, for one, there's actual black people.

We have black folk in Oakland.

Yeah, but the train stops running after midnight.

-We have better produce here. -But the food choice is better in New York.

- Even Filipino food? - It actually has amazing Filipino food.

So what's the number one reason why you love New York?

My family is not there.

Tiva, what are you doing? Troy gets pissed if you ring the doorbell more than once.

Who the fuck is ringing the doorbell?

Sorry, we didn't know if anybody was home, uh...

I'm just fucking with you, man, what's up, Dec?

I got the surround sound all calibrated, man.

-It sounds like a movie theatre in here now. -Nice.

Yeah, I'll put on the, uh, Lion Kinglater, you'll see.

-Declan. -Hi, mom.

-Merry Christmas, Anak. -Hi, Auntie Tiva.

-Hi, Mina. Where can I put this? -I'll take it.

-Hi, uncle Declan. -Hi, Mina. Gosh, you're getting so tall.

-Look what I made. -Oh, wow, what's that?

-It's an ornament. -Oh, is that you?

-Yeah. -And is that your dad?

-No, that's you. -Oh, I love it, Mina. Uh, what is that?

-It's the birth of Christ. -Oh.

-See? Jesus. -Huh?

Uh, you know, when you were really small, you used to draw a lot of monsters.

-I did? -Yeah, they were scary.

You don't actually believe in monsters, do you?

I like your drawings, Mina. You're a really good drawer.

-Mina, what do you say? -Yeah, Mina, don't be rude. -Thank you.

-What the fuck took you so long? -Hi, Shelly.

Merry Christmas, Declan.

Hey, Dec you're hugging my wife a little passionately, man.

-Beginning to didn't think this whole gay thing's fake. -Yeah, right.

Mom, I asked for Green Tea Kit Kats. This is a Cliff Bar.

What are all the sweets doing out?

Oh, Mina told me to put all the sweets out.

I told her don't put it out, not until I get home.

-Okay, I'm just doing what I was told. -It doesn't matter.

I'm home now. I just didn't want Mina eating a bunch of sweets before I got home.

No rest for the weary, Shelly.

- Pikachu... - Merry Christmas

-Merry Christmas, Tiva. - All I know is Pikachu.

-How are you doing? -Where's Moe?

Uh, he's running late. He's still on the plane.

-What? -He promises to be home, but doesn't make it.

Looks like we know which one of us took after dad.

Uh, anybody heard from dad?

Nobody's heard from him in years. Right, babe?

- Dec, you want a beer? Yeah. -Um, sure, why not.

It's a shame. Mina's never met her Lolo.

She doesn't need her Lolo as long as she has her Lola.

-Right, Mina? -Yeah.

-Mm, remember that. -Now why are you putting all the sweets away?

-Huh? -Your mother's deaf.

-What? -Nothing. I'll get it myself.

Hey, Dec, you wanna see my man cave?

Check that shit out, man. Xbox 1, PS4 Pro, we'll play Karate Champlater.

-You have a disk playing. -I probably forgot to turn it off.

Oh, straight porn.

You're funny, man. Who calls it straight porn?

Damn, that's a barbecue.

When the whole family comes over, I don't want them anywhere near this thing.

Ah, why not?

Because I don't like bitches all up on my grill.

This is where you'll be sleeping.

Oh, I'm not sleeping in my room?

-No, we gave that to Mina. -Oh, she has her own room now?

-She's not a baby anymore, Dec. -Karaoke?

Shelly actually asked me why I bought that. She keeps forgetting.

-Forgetting what? -Don't tell me you forgot?

Um, man, I-I think I know what you're talking about, but I'm not sure.

-That I was gonna be a part of Kai? -Kai?

-Yeah. -The Boy Band?

-See? You remember. -Yeah.

I can't wait to finish city college so I can transfer.

-Transfer? -Yeah, I wanna transfer SF State.

Hey, Shelly, can we turn the TV down a little bit?

You have to ask Troy if that's okay.

-I have to ask Troy if it's okay to turn the TV down? -Here's your beer.

-Mom, what time is everybody getting here? -Six.

Okay, cool, that gives me some time. I'm gonna smoke.

-Shelly, you got my smokes? -Yeah, they're on the table.

-Hey, Troy, can I turn the TV down a little bit? -What for?

You got matches?

Oh, I thought you had your lighter.

-You know my lighter died. -Oh, I-- I thought you had your lighter.

So, did you or did you not get matches?

No, sorry, babe.

-Oh, what about the thing for barbecue? -What?

That thing for barbecue.

I heard you. You're just saying the same thing twice.

Yeah, the barbecue thing.

You mean the lighter? Yeah, I'm gonna have to use that now.

Troy, I actually have to go to the store. Do you want me to get you a lighter?

Dude, hold on. I can hardly hear you.

I said I'm heading down to the store anyway. You want me to get you a lighter?

No, man. Just relax, finish your beer. What do you need at the store?

I have to get some gin for the cocktails I'm making tonight.

-What? You don't think we got gin? -Oh, you have gin?

Dude, we have everything. This is a Santos house, man.

You think we're not gonna be fully stocked?

Shelly, show Dec the booze.

Shelly, you're always forgetting something.

-Who wants mango cake? -Ooh-wee. You brought my favorite.

-Hi, Troy. -Auntie Divi, I heard you made this cake for me.

Well, I made it, yeah.

Shelly, get over here.

Look at that. Looks even better than Red Ribbon.

-Of course it does. -Is that the mango cake?

-Declan, oh, my goodness. -Been a while, right? -Oh, cool.

-How's New York? -It's good.

Declan came back from New York to judge us.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Boy.

That's a huge grill.

Yeah, I haven't seen a grill that big since Madonna's mom.

Why doesn't Troy barbecue if he's so proud of it?

I think tonight's his night to prove that he's a real singer.

Oh, yeah. Wasn't he supposed to join Jodeci or some shit?

-Kai. -Kai?

He says he was supposed to be a part of Kai?

You know how many people in San Francisco actually know Kai?

Yeah, but don't burst his bubble.

He'll probably bash your head in.

Is that what happened at his last job?

No one knows what happened at his last job.

All I know is he called his mom to pick him up saying he quit, but when she got there,

-she said two security guards were escorting him out. -Lovely.

-I can't imagine what it's like living with him. -I can't either.

Blocked it from my mind.

But didn't he actually bash some guys head in, though?

-That was the job before that. -Jesus.

Yeah, he went to jail for a while for that.

There you are.

-What are you guys doing? -Smoking.

-Yeah, you want some? -No, I got my own.

-Oh, this is the good stuff. -Oh, I see what you're smoking.