Archer

Saviors of the frickin' world. Whoo!

And that's what would have happened.

If you had hired Cloudbeam marketing.

- Hi. - But you didn't.

- So it didn't. - Which is why you're broke.

- No judgment. - Really? Because I judge it.

- Said our largest expense. - Hey, alcohol is a group expense!

Seems like we should have cut alcohol

- before our health plan. - Eh, vodka disinfects cuts.

Well, I miss my dark science budget.

- The hell is dark science? - It's basically science but darker.

I'm sad the wall art's gone. It riled my loins.

- What doesn't rile your loins? - Enough!

We're not here to waste time or prison toilet scotch.

We're here because these ranting buffoons

think they can solve our problems.

One of her better introductions.

Real talk? The espionage climate has changed.

Your old spy model just doesn't work.

Hello, dinosaur? Meet asteroid.

- But that's where we come in. - Hello, dinosaur? Meet marketing.

Are they turning us into a dinosaur?

Honestly, I don't know, but I'm lovin' it.

Simple version: We can synthesize your messaging to encourage...

Multitier client sourcing.

Wow, did that just happen?

- That was the simple version? - Wait.

Does this mean we're shooting people again?

- Maybe. If we had bullets. - We sold the bullets?

- Yeah, we're boned. - No, we're not.

Yes, the government denied our heroism

and withheld payment.

And yes, contracts have been drying up,

but I know better things are right around the...

Around the...

Damn it!

Around the what? Ass?

- Your entire process is outdated dirt. - But dirt with potential.

- A nutrient-rich loam. - Is there life on Mars?

- Definitely. - Oh-ho, man.

You keep doing this fun marketing banter

and I'm gonna need to sit on a sandbag.

You need to get out of the dark ages of the espionage industry.

I mean, do you even use Global Spy Wire?

Exactly how many beats of silence

- are you shooting for? - You're not on GSW?

It's only the online marketplace for spy jobs.

- Like the classifieds? - Extra! Extra!

Spy master uses outdated media!

Aw, jeez, don't raise the prices, Mr. Pulitzer.

"Newsies"!

My god, this is what it's come to.

Hocking my paintings for rent money

and taking business advice from theater school flunkies.

- I was economics. - Folklore and mythology.

Why would we use want ads?

- Our phone is ringing off the hook. - Well, actually,

it has been pretty quiet lately.

Okay, real talk? The phone is broken.

- Since when?! - A few months ago?

I don't know. I'd call someone to fix it, but, you know.

- This is why you need Cloudbeam. - To buy us a new phone?

To help you, the little guy,

compete with the big spy conglomerates like IIA.

IIA, pfft. Soulless vultures.

- Nice uniforms, though. - I heard they bought Odin,

fired everyone, then made them reapply

- for their own jobs at half pay. - That's bullshit.

You can't just fire someone for no reason.

It would have happened to me by now.

What's next? Do you fire someone for breaking a phone

when she was smashing a ladybug over and over?

Uh, okay, look. Maybe these guys have a point.

- About us being dirt? - About us needing help to compete.

My reputation as the world's greatest spy only goes so far.

Especially since that's a pre-coma reputation.

- Said pre-nut-tap Cyril. - What?

- Aaaaah! - Uh, sorry I'm late.

Robert and I got into another huge fight about...

- About whether or not we'd care? - Ugh, actually, sort of.

- It all started when... - Wanted ads?

- Is that all you've got? - Hardly.

You also need a strong brand, and that starts with a good name.

Think of something people already love.

- Then spice it up with a spy angle. - Ooh! Anal bullets!

And that feels like a good place to stop.

Thank you for your interest, but we simply don't need Cloudbeam.

Fair enough, but I have a feeling we'll be hearing from you soon.

Yeah, hearing you scream our names from the rooftops.

"Kaya, Alton, save us! Save us!"

Anybody else got an eerie feeling they might be right?

Nonsense, there's nothing they said

that we can't do ourselves.

Pam, Cheryl, you two are our new marketing team.

- Brand us. - I'll get my tools.

- I think she means with a name, cowboy. - We'll give her options.

As for new jobs, we'll start with small missions on GSW,

- get a good rating, and slowly... - Sign up for the most lucrative job

- on Global Spy Wire, boom. - "Rival bounty situation.

"Cash on delivery of the package. Multiple bidders."

- Wha... No money up front? - But big money in back.

We'll be drinking non-swill from non-plastic in no time.

Idiot! Do you realize how competitive

- this contract will be? - Now that I'm involved? Very.

We can't afford this mission. We can barely afford the flight.

And your testicles can't afford another cane tap.

- Ah! - Ugh, let's do it.

After the morning I've had with Robert, I'd go anywhere.

- Preferably somewhere with... - A giant heap of rat shit.

- Seriously, Cyril? - Oh, wait, there's also a pile of rat shit

under here, which means we're looking at

a men's room/women's room situation.

This was the nicest place we could afford.

I'm trying to save our funds.

Not an issue because I spent all the funds on trânt.

- Who the hell is trânt? - You mean what is trânt.

It's Moldovan folk wrestling, and it's fantastic.

You lost all our money gambling on regional martial arts?

No, my guys won, but then I had to buy drinks.

It'll be fine. Here are the briefing papers.

- Double-sided? How poor are we? - You just spent all of our money.

Yeah, on memories that will last a lifetime.

Two days ago, mercenaries kidnapped this man,

known as the Professor.

And that thing is a prototype for an ionic fusion device.

Ionic fusion device? What is that?

- An expensive macguffin in a life full of them. - According to our sources,

he's being moved out of the country in a few hours on this highway.

We worked all of our contacts to get this tip,

so our only advantage is this one piece of information

that none of the big agencies have.

- Greetings, and welcome to Moldova. - Finally, the conciÚrge.

We'd like a free bottle of scotch and directions

to a hall of trânt that takes bets on credit.

- And a room with less rat feces? - Forgive me for intruding.

My name is Fabian Kingsworth. I am head of IIA.

Well, well, well. The competition.

I guess your tiny agency is competition for IIA

the way coffee is competition for cocaine.

Yeah, I mean, sure. I mean, what do you want?

- We're sort of mid-mission here. - I just wanted to stop by

to get a chance to meet the Sterling Archer.

I was delighted to learn you were not dead

but, rather, alive as a mere shadow of your former self.

Well, looks like you're chasing shadows,

- since we got here first. - First?

We set up our command center weeks ago.

And of course, our satellites are always overhead.

Which works slightly better than a guy on a roof with binoculars.

- Oh, yeah? Well, we have... - A guy on a roof?

No. Something way better than that.

Cold-ass pouring rain. Cheap-ass binoculars.

That.

I'm rooting for you, Archer.

Like when you see a beetle on its back,

legs kicking and flailing, not knowing that he's already dead

as the shadow of a giant elegant bird falls over him.

- I am that bird. - At which point,

the beetle hops up and eats the bird! Ah!

Why build on his metaphor?

And what beetle eats birds?

- Jesus, your forearms are like bowling pins. - Yes, well, uh...

I should get going. I'm sorry.

It's emotional meeting someone I used to look up to.

There is no way we're losing to that asshole.

Starting now, we stay one...

no, make it two steps ahead of him.

- Cyril, note that. - I'm not mission secretary.

- Then what are you? - Hey, two step,

- Fabian planted a bug on your shoulder. - Damn it!

Oh! Why won't this break when you...

Just gonna save us some time.

Okay, new plan: We follow Kingsworth

and sabotage him and his team in a super humiliating way.

Archer, we are not risking this mission and our

lives so you can beat a better version of yourself.

He is not better. He said he looked up to me.

- Actually, he said he used to. - I know what he said!

Y'all! I just saw a caravan of...

IIA vehicles. We know.

Well, nice to know my pneumonia

and near electrocution was worth it.

Shut up. Here's the plan. Ray, find their command center.

Way ahead of you. They got a jillion cars

over at the Moldovan bloom hotel.

Okay, Lana and I will follow IIA.

You two stay back here and pretend

that I'm still with you so the bug hears it.

And just how are we gonna do that?

Just pretend we're talking and do an impression of me.

What, like... "My name's Archer.

"I'm an egomaniac who endangers every mission

"with my self-serving narcissism.

Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day."

Ha! That was pretty good, actually.

Lose the "almost" and then take it again.

Alright! We can do this.

We're just as good as Cloudbeam.

So espionage names, espionage names...

Oh, I got it. S.P. Nosh.