Diary of an Uber Driver

I can get you a helper.

Oi, dish-pig!

Hmm? Jeez!

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

- No. - Yeah.

You know I don't know how to play it!

- (SHRIEKS) - Oh, boy, that was close!

- Ah! (LAUGHS) - Ooh!

- Oh! (LAUGHS) I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry.

Ah-ah-ah! Gross.

- Fat. - Eugh...

Thanks heaps, Ben. You want me to take over?

No, no. It's all good. I got it.

- Aw, thanks, Dad! - (CHUCKLES)

It's nice to see a boyfriend

wearing the pink gloves for a change.

Well, we are just friends.

Uh, friends with benefits?

Mm, sperm donor?

Hey, uh, that's cool, man.

Hey, I donated blood once.

I don't know who got it. I didn't do their dishes,

but they didn't invite me for brunch, so fuck 'em.

- Hey, Beck? - Yeah?

- (THUDDING) - Oh! Ah!

Oh, shit.

- Oh, fuck. - I am so sorry.

- Are you... ? - Are you right?

- Oh, shit. - What happened?

I didn't mean to hit so hard.

- It just... It's... Oh... - Oh...

- It's all right. I'm fine. - I'm so sorry, Beck.

You want some ice?

Thanks.

She'll be right.

- Do you... ? - It's fine.

Oh...

It's a weird tea towel.

I think, uh...

I think I'm going to go now.

OK.

OK, bye.

Wait.

Don't you think... ?

I... I just think we should talk about this, or something.

Why?

Uh, I just need to process it, or something.

Pretty sure we should just forget about it.

Yeah, but...

What'd you say your name was again?

Aaron.

Right.

Aaron.

Yeah, maybe we should just pretend it never happened?

- It was seven months. - Yeah, I know how long it was.

This is...

I... Oh... I...

I'm just... I'm... I'm freak... I'm freaking out.

You should just say what you need to say about it now

because I don't think you should talk to anyone else about this.

Well, I just... I...

I don't know. I... I don't... I don't know.

I've never been in a relationship that long.

It wasn't a relationship.

Oh, Aaron, come on.

Maybe this was more serious to you than it was for me.

Every single night.

We chatted every single night.

I speak to a lot of people every night.

So do I.

But none of them say the types of things that...

... she said to... her.

Please don't.

And I definitely have never done any of the things

that she said she wanted to do... to her.

What do you want?

I just want us to both agree that it felt real.

It wasn't real.

How old are you?

Are you 28?

- Yeah. - Right.

So, that was true.

Yeah.

I'm 30.

Four years older than what she said.

Are you a network engineer at Telstra?

Yeah.

Cool.

Are you really a sales assistant at Sportsgirl?

No.

What do you do?

I mean, I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm unemployed.

But you're really an artist, though?

Uh, I... I guess. Fantasy illustrations.

Cool.

Uh, I... Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

I'm the one who instigated this.

It wasn't you.

I... I'd never seen another Night Elf

in that part of Wyrmrest before,

and when I saw you didn't have a guild,

I just started bugging you.

Like I was trying to trick a level 41 Tauren

into giving me some items he'd just gotten,

and when I saw you, I thought I'd offer you the amulet

- he'd just given me. - By that point,

I'd been a female elf for three weeks.

Well, I've been doing it for a year.

I was the first to say I was bisexual.

But you were the first to say "I love you."

- OK, I have to go now. - OK.

Look, why did you even bother coming?

Just on the off-chance that she'd sleep with you

even after she found out you were a guy?

But you did the exact same thing.

In fact, getting the hotel was your idea.

- That's very predaceous. - Oh, don't give me that.

You loved the idea.

As far as I can remember, it made you 'dripping wet.'

What... ?

What the fu... ? What do you want?

I told you.

I just want you to admit it.

- Admit what? - That you were in love with her.

It was just physical.

Goodbye.

OK, OK. All right. All right. We'll just pretend it never happened.

Thank you.

And then we can just go back to chatting online

- like always... - No.

Obviously, without any of the lesbian cyber-sex.

No!

Greg, was it?

Yeah.

Greg, I'm sorry.

It's over.

Fine.

At least...

At least take the things.

OK.

Can I just say one more thing?

Yeah.

My Grandma died.

That's real.

That really happened.

Uh...

... I just wanted to say having her to talk to...

... really helped.

Well...

... she was happy to be there for you too.

Meeting someone at the airport, or... ?

Sorry?

No, someone gave them to me.

Oh, right. Special occasion, or just...

... just because?

Goodbye gift.

Get anything good?

I don't know.

Wouldn't think you'd be able to fly with flowers.

Hope you didn't get exotic fruit, or you'd have nothing left to take.

It's drawings of me and her.

Oh, right.

That's quite sweet, I guess.

Is she any good, or... ?

Can you turn around?

Sorry?

Please, can we just go back?

So, you don't... You don't want to go to the airport?

I need to go back. Please, can we turn around?

No worries.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Greg.

Greg!

Oh! Hi there!

- Hi, Alex. - Hi. Yeah.

And who's this guy? Hey, mate.

- What's your name, little guy? - Oh, this is Byron.

Byron! You ever been to Byron Bay, Byron?

That's where I learned that getting dreadlocks

is not a decision you make in a weekend, hey?

All good, Alex? You ready to roll?

Can you take dogs without people?

Uh, yeah. I haven't before, but totally.

Wow, that's awesome. Thank you.

Yeah. Oh, wait, sorry.

Still going to 31 Kalarah Street?

Yes. I have to go away for the night. It's a work thing.

- Can't get out of it. - Oh, right.

- Yeah. - Sorry to, uh, hear that.

Got to make that bread though, right?

Bye, Byron. I love you.

I'm sorry.

All right, Byron. Just you and me, mate.

Let's rock'n'roll.

(LOVE YOU TIL I DIE BY RAT! HAMMOCK PLAYS)

Oh, Byron, Byron, Byron.

Honestly, though.