Roseanne - Tenth Season

Roseanne, get in here.

What?

You can't just stand on the front porch

staring at your Muslim neighbors.

It just so obvious you're spying on them.

No, it isn't. I've got a rake.

Holding a rake and staring is not a cover.

Raking is a cover.

Now come on.

We need three people

to make this into a fun coupon club.

Otherwise, we're just two poor people

trying to save a nickel on tuna.

Did you see the crazy amount of fertilizer

they got stacked up near their garage?

That's how they make bombs.

What if this is a sleeper cell full of terrorists

getting ready to blow up our neighborhood?

What proof do you have, Roseanne?

This proof... anytime something bad happens,

it's always somebody who

lives next door to somebody.

Oh, my God, you figured it out.

Terrorists are always neighbors.

So, all we have to do

is arrest everybody!

I'm telling you, this is what people from Iraq

and Talibanistan do!

They hide out in neighborhoods like Lanford.

Don't you watch the news?!

You don't mean the news, you mean Fox News,

and, uh...

there is no Talibanis... Oh, forget it.

Jump in, here, Anne-Marie.

Oh, because I'm black, I'm the expert on racism?

Oh, geez, I am so sorry.

- I'm willing to learn from my mistakes. - Well, good.

So, in that case, if you just give me the 50% off

on this cream cheese, we'll call it even.

If you're so sure they're not terrorists,

go out there and look at how much fertilizer they've got.

If it makes you shut up and stop with this, then fine.

That's not that much fertilizer. Hold on.

That is, like, a crazy amount of fertilizer.

But... it doesn't mean anything.

I'm done talking to you people.

- Hi, Chuck. - Oh, hey, Rosie.

Dan, our new neighbors

have way too much fertilizer.

After 45 years of marriage,

you run out of things to talk about.

Okay, so neither one of you are worried about this?

We don't have time.

We're getting ready for this meeting.

They're probably just regular folks

who want to make a home here.

They painted their fence, they put in a new mailbox.

They have an American flag, for God's sake.

Oh, Dan, I don't know.

I'm gonna have to go with Rosie on this one.

It sounds like they're trying a little too hard.

When I drove through the South,

I had a Lynyrd Skynyrd bumper sticker.

Granny Rose! Grandpa Dan!

Hey.

Oh, that's quite an outfit, Mary.

Did Daddy let you dress yourself today?

No.

- That's what I figured. -

Later, Oscar De la Renta.

So, is it cool if Mary spends the night with you tonight?

I have a really early appointment

at the V.A. tomorrow in Danville.

You're all mine!

Why are you leaving tonight if you've got an appointment

in the morning?

'Cause the line will be all the way down the sidewalk.

A lot of vets live on the sidewalk,

so they have an advantage.

Hey, Deej. Hi, Mary.

Uh, nothing happened to you in the Army, did it?

You can still see patterns, right?

Okay, I almost forgot.

Tonight is Mary's Skype call with Geena.

It's on Afghanistan time, so it's 2:00 a.m. here.

That's oh-two-hundred.

I don't know how to do the Skype

or get up at 2:00 a.m.

After my nighttime meds kick in,

I'm legally dead till 7:00 a.m.

Darlene, will you help Mom with the Skype call?

Oh, sure, waking Mom at 2:00 a.m.

to explain technology's kind of what I live for.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, now, you be good tonight for Granny.

- Can't you stay here, too? - I can't, honey.

Hey, you know what would be super-fun?

An all-girls slumber party 'cause we could put a tent up

in the living room and do each other's hair and makeup

and watch videos and make brownies

and tell ghost stories.

- That sounds fun. - That sounds horrible.

But what if I can't sleep?

Well, then, I'll tell you a bedtime story

about two of my dear friends,

applesauce and Benadryl.

I loved that story as a kid.

I can never remember how it ends.

"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.

Me llamo Becky.

What can I get you?

Don't try to pronounce anything, just point to the pictures.

Okay, but just so you know, when you get it,

it won't look like that.

Make it two.

Nothing for me. Thanks.

Check it out, Al.

I got these little "sign here" stickers for you

so you'll know just where to sign.

I will need those back, though.

All you got to do is sign, give us a deposit check...

And in three months, your apartments

will have beautiful drywall

that your renters can knock holes in and spackle badly.

The savages.

Uh, listen, Dan, Chuck,

I-I wanted to come here and tell you in person.

I'm not gonna be able to go with you guys on this one.

What's the problem, Al? My guys are lined up.

We've done a dozen jobs for you. You've always been happy.

And we work for union minimum. Nobody's gonna beat that, Al.

Somebody did, and I can't pass it up.

Beat my bid?

They must be going non-union.

Oh, Al, you're not hiring illegals?

Uh, Dan, please say "undocumented workers"

until our tamales get out here.

I'm sorry, guys.

Hey, look, uh...

order lunch, put it on my account, okay?

- Uh... - Sorry.

Oh, man!

I'm not really hungry now.

Me either.

But I think we should leave the waitress a $300 tip.

This is some of my best work.

Done.

Hey, I've got a mustache.

Ha ha ha ha! I'm Mom.

Hey, Mark, pretend you're still painting her mustache.

I want to get a picture.

Do you want me to take the picture so you can be in it?

No screens!

There's your kid. Look at him.

A point that could have been made

without throwing the center of my life across the room.

- Brownies are ready. - Ooh!

Oh, great. Here's one for you, Mom.

Don't think I won't eat that later.

So, is it time to talk to my mom yet?

No yet. It's only 10:00.

Hey, Aunt Jackie, got any good ghosted stories?

I love ghost stories.

No, no. Ghosted stories.

They're a little different, Mary, but...

they're very scary.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

There was this guy.

I went out with him three times and...

Now I know that's made up.

I'll tell a good one.

This one is called

"The Last Sleepover."

Once upon a time, there was a little girl,

and she was having a sleepover with two of her cousins.

Wow, you really know how to take us to another place.

Shut up, or you will be eaten first!

Who's gonna eat her?

The monster that roams the neighborhood every night,

looking for brownies.

And nobody ever heard the monster coming.

Except for a car door slamming,

and only the little girl heard it.

I heard it?

And then, the monster came in the little girl's house...

And all they heard was a door creaking.

And then the monster said what he always says

just before he eats all the children...

Hey!

Aaah!

Sorry about that. I stepped on a phone.

Yeah, yeah, that job... turns out it fell through.

I'll take anything you got.

And then they went bankrupt and lost their house.

What happened?

I got underbid on Al's job. He's using illegals.

What? We needed that money.

It ain't right, Rosie.

Those guys are so desperate, they'll work for nothing,

and we're getting screwed in the process.