The Inbetweeners 2

Greetings, Muggles.

- (Laughter) - Oh, my fucking God. He fell for it.

I told you he would.

It's not really fancy dress, you dick.

Oh, what? No way!

These are the jokers from my course I was telling you about.

You lot. Technically, I didn't fall for it as there was no way I could have known.

- Whoa. Where d'you think you're going? - Into the party.

You're dressed like Harry Potter.

There's no way you're coming in here, you fucking plum.

You could have come as someone sexy.

- Hermione's sexy. - (Giggles)

What a twat.

Mental.

Guys?

Guys?

Oh, piss off, Harry.

Well, this is a disaster. I've come down from Sheffield for this?

It's OK. We'll still have a good weekend.

There's a pub I love just down the road.

I'm wearing a gym skirt.

It's a student town. No one will care.

- And no pants. - Righto.

Oi, Si. Nudgies.

- What the fuck? - Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Fuck me. What a waste of a weekend.

I thought you said they were your best mates at uni.

- Yeah. - I'll find us some mates.

I've got this amazing app called Grindr. Made loads of new mates through it.

- (Phone vibrates) - Oh, my gosh, you'll never guess what.

- Someone's sent you a penis shot? - Nah, I just got an email from Jay.

- No way. - Way. Listen to this.

"Dear Neil, you fucking weapon..."

As you know, I am on a mental gap year,

in Australia.

- Or outback... - (Giggling)

...as they say over here.

So I thought I'd email you, not because I miss you lot

but because this place is a million out of ten and you'll be well jel.

Life has never been better.

It's much better than when I was going out with Jane, who I now no longer think about.

I'm living near a town called Sydney

and working at the most mental club in Australia called Revolutions.

I am now their premier number one DJ...

Good evening, ladies!

...going by the name of DJ Big Penis,

which everyone agrees is the perfect name.

I've made so much cashola, which is Australian for money,

that I've bought myself a fuck-off mansion and filled it full of pussay.

And like Will's mum's appetite for cock, it's enormous.

Before that, I was living with Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin,

although he is tragic and obviously not as cool as my dad.

- What's that? - (Laughter)

Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting,

which is Australian for knobbing.

- (Bell) - Yes!

They're total filth and fuck like kangaroos,

all big teeth, bouncing and wet pouches.

I make love to them with a technique I like to call the one-pump orgasm.

- (Cries out in ecstasy) - They absolutely love it.

Name an Aussie bird and I've fucked her.

Elle Macpherson: check.

Dame Edna Everage: check.

Kylie and Dannii Minogue three-way?

I'd done that ten minutes after getting off the plane.

And mates? I've made loads of cool new mates who come round for dinner.

But really it's all about the birds.

Aussie sheilas just can't get enough of Jay, especially the supermodels,

who, by the way, love it up the shitter.

I've been woken up by a blowjob from a different girl every single morning.

You can imagine what that's like, waking up every morning to a blowie.

They keep it so clean.

I haven't had to wash my cock in weeks.

Basically, everything's better than when I was with Jane,

who, as I mentioned, I no longer think about.

On the minus side, I've had to punch out a few koala bears,

normally when they drop out of the trees and try to fight me.

Mug! Have it!

But other than that, it's been bonza, which is Australian for fucking brilliant.

Come and stay any time you like.

I guarantee I'll get you sucked drier than Simon's mum's fanny.

Say hello to those other two dozy pricks if you see them.

Tell your bent dad he still can't bum me.

And tell your fit sister that I'd like to...

- Oh, no, come on. - What does it say?

"I'd like to chew on those massive juicy burger nipples of hers,

reach my thumb round and..."

Oh, no, it's too much.

Oi, get off!

Oi!

- Oh, there's more. "Flip her over..." - What a lovely email.

"...spoodge down her face, over her back, clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal..."

This goes on a bit.

Australia sounds a laugh. Not like hanging out with you two.

Wish I'd gone to Australia this weekend instead of shitty Bristol.

You know it's on the other side of the world?

- Doubt it. - Excuse me, mate. You're on.

Oh, at last, something decent.

- Is this seat taken? - Yeah, sorry, it is.

- Have you got any friends at university? - Of course I have, Simon.

I'm just lucky that I've managed to not get tied down to a clique or a group.

- I'm free to hang out with anyone and everyone. - Or no one.

You changed universities just to be with your girlfriend.

I've got mates other than Lucy. Pete, for one.

- Who's Pete? - Pete from my halls.

I must have mentioned Pete. Pete. Pete, my best mate.

- My best mate at uni. - Hm.

I do spend a lot of time with Lucy.

Although she has changed a bit since we were on holiday.

And, well, what's the word when someone's not nicer?

- Nastier? - Yeah. I think that's it, maybe.

- She's nastier. - Right, out. You're barred.

Barred? What?

Why?

That.

So we're all on the same page, that's me, Will McKenzie,

seemingly Bristol University's least popular undergraduate.

And that's my friend Simon, who's got university relationship problems of his own.

Who's this fucking slut, Kirsty Scott?

- Lucy, are you on my Facebook again? - Goodbye, whore.

Simon, swear on your hoodie you're not going to cheat on me.

What? Oh, no, please, Lucy, that's my favourite.

- Lucy. - Sorry, Simon.

But I just have to be sure.

I just love you so much.

I love you too, cuddles.

And finally, there's Neil.

At least he's made a new friend.

Buster.

I don't know what brand of shower gel Neil uses,

but I suspect it might be Pedigree Chum.

And as we headed back to my room,

if I'd assumed watching some tow-level bestiality would be the low point of my night, I was wrong.

Oh, not again!

- Is your room in space? - (Will sighs)

- Thank you, arseholes! - (Laughter)

They've done a pretty good job, to be fair.

I fucking hate it here.

To be honest, I'm glad l chose not to do uni.

- More reality than a choice. - Exactly.

- Maybe we should go to Australia. - And surprise the fuck out of Jay!

- I was joking. - Why?

It's better than hanging round old men's pubs and dressing up as magic.

We get four weeks off for Easter. I dread spending it with Lucy.

- Can we afford it? - Will, they invented student loans

so students could go on holiday.

And I got a sweet bonus this month.

I'm the cleverest non-Asian in the department.

I have always wanted to go travelling.

I think I'd be good at it, do it properly, not like Jay.

- How can you be good at it? - He's staying in one place.

I'd explore, meet people, come back a better and more rounded person.

He's getting sucked off every morning.

Fuck it, I'm in.

So, goodbye, shitty Bristol. I was off to Australia.

Now, petal, you know how much I worry.

- So I've got you a special holiday gift. - Oh, thanks, Mum.

It's...

a rape alarm.

What do you think is gonna happen to me?

- Petal, I think you might get raped. - Right.

Sweetie, it's better to have a rape alarm and not need it

than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men you may have, however innocently, led on.

- Ah, hello, everyone. - Hello, Kevin.

You sorry to see them leave?

Actually, it's handy Neil's going away.

Give me a chance to get some men in, to decorate his bedroom.

- Virgin Atlantic flight VS301... - That's our flight.

I am gonna miss you, petal.

Oh...

Yes, all right! Get off!

Be very careful, little soldier, OK?

- Your mum looks fit when she cries. - Thank you.

- I bet she looked amazing when your dad left. - Brilliant.

Off we went, running away from our problems.

All I knew about Australia was that if it could bite you,

sting you or eat you alive,

then it probably lived there.

But nothing had prepared us for the beauty of Sydney Harbour.

And Neil was particularly impressed.

- What the fuck is that? - What?

- That fucking thing. - The Sydney Opera House?

No, that thing, the spaceship. The spaceship, there.

That's the sightseeing done. We need to find this club.

Hang on. Got a signal now. Googlemappage to the rescue.

It's this way.

No way! That just cost me 20 quid.

Data roaming charges are pretty extortionate abroad.

- Well, I'll just stand still, then. - That's not really how it works.

- (Bleep) - Another 20 quid?

I'm not roaming now, you useless piece of shit!

- Just switch it off, Neil. - Agh!

- Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now. - Not sure that was strictly my fault.

We left the harbour to find Jay,

to see if he really was getting sucked off every morning.

Cannot wait to see DJ Big Penis rocking da house.

No, nor can I.

Ever taken a backpack or a suitcase to a nightclub?

No, of course you haven't. Because you're not a fucking idiot.

Hey!