No Good Nick

I hereby call this Thompson family meeting to order.

Now, if you all please turn to slide one,

you'll see that a third car can actually save the family money over the long run.

Mine's just GIFs of baby porcupines eating corn on the cob.

Because I already know your views on increasing our carbon footprint,

so your presentation is just Best of Baby Animals.

Oh. Good thinking.

So, Mom, Dad, if you'll please turn to slide two,

you'll see that my learner's permit driving record is blemish-free.

Did you hire character witnesses again?

If that's your driver's ed teacher, he's not staying for dinner.

Where were you?

I've been waiting at the train station all day.

Who are you?

I'm Nick.

Nicole?

Nicole Patterson?

I'm here to live with you.

Okay, what?

You didn't get the memo?

Was this an actual or metaphorical memo?

They said they called and emailed.

- -Okay, sweetie.

Just tell us what happened.

What happened is...

my parents...

died in a car accident six months ago,

and I've been in foster care until they could find some relatives,

and then they said they found my dad's second cousin twice removed,

or something, and you were supposed to pick me up at the train station.

You don't know what I'm talking about. Now I'll have to go back to foster care!

Hang on a second. Nobody's making you go anywhere.

We'll get to the bottom of this. You just never clarified if the memo was real.

Here's the letter from the state.

Here's a picture of my great-grandma with, I guess, your grandma, or something.

Oh, Grandma Liza!

And they gave me this family tree. Oh God, this is a total nightmare!

Okay, let's take a deep breath.

Molly, why don't you take...

-Nick! -Nick...

to get something to eat while we sort this out.

Hi, I'm Molly. Do you like quinoa?

Or is this more of an ice cream situation?

Again, I'm so, so sorry about the mix-up, folks.

I have got egg on my face.

Oh, this is more than egg. This is a quiche.

You quiched us.

Mistakes happen. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Bye-bye.

Can you believe that this social services coordinator

was coordinating with another Ed Thompson?

I feel so generic!

-I wish I had a cool nickname. -Ooh, how about Laser?

-No. -Yes.

All right, well...

this is, uh, quite a shock.

We were literally caught with our pants down.

That's literally not what literally means.

Irregardless...

we are problem solvers.

We'll make this work.

So where's my room?

Well, that's a problem. I have no idea.

Nick can stay with me in my room.

Seriously? I'm not even allowed in your room.

Come on, I'll show you where you can put your stuff

and how to follow me on Snap and Insta. Not Facebook.

Mom joined.

So this is going to be our room. That sofa pulls out into a bed.

But don't worry, it's more comfortable than it looks.

You're being so nice to me.

I really appreciate this.

Hey, I care about helping people.

It's kind of my thing.

My thing is watching old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons,

but I like your thing, too.

You can put your stuff here, and the Wi-Fi is "ThompsonsRule!"

All one word, cap T, cap R, exclam.

I know.

Hey, can I take a shower or something?

I haven't changed my clothes in, like, two days.

Wow, that's super real.

The bathroom's in through there.

Thanks...

for everything.

I'm in.

I really like her.

Of course you like her. She's an orphan.

Your friend Becky is going to be so jealous.

You must be tired of her hogging all the attention with her brother's tumor.

-I don't care what Becky thinks. -Hey.

Maybe you can dress Nick up like a hobo and take selfies down at the dump.

So, she's staying?

I'm just gonna say what your father and I are both thinking.

Nick can't stay here.

Wait, what?

That's not what I was thinking. I was thinking the exact opposite.

Are you serious?

Because you're talking about raising another child, like, forever.

Not forever. Just 'til she's been with us long enough to need therapy.

That sounds like a worthy goal, but I'm busy right now,

with the cookbook and restaurant.

And the auditions for Top Chef coming up.

Believe me, no one can forget because you talk about it all the time.

Guys.

Mom's got a point. I mean, she's just being realistic here.

Exactly.

Look, I get that Nick's situation is sad.

Super sad.

So sad.

But why does that have to make our situation sad?

Because she's family.

She's such a distant relative, we could legally get married.

Um, ew.

So what, you just wanna kick her out?

No. No one's saying kick her out.

I'm just saying,

why does she have to stay...

here?

I'll tell you why she has to stay here.

Because she's a child who needs us.

Do I want another kid? No, I don't even want these two.

Just a joke, guys.

I love you so much, so much, but the point is...

that she's my second cousin, and she's already been removed twice.

We can't do it to her a third time.

Yeah, I don't think that's what that means.

It doesn't matter. We can't kick her out on the street. That's not who we are.

Dad's right.

We have to do the right thing here.

I vote she stays.

This isn't a reality show. You don't get to vote her on or off the island.

Everyone's opinion matters.

And thank you, Jeremy. I'm glad to see you coming around on this.

Yeah, you know, me too.

Because raising a child is expensive

and we'll have to make sacrifices.

And first to go will be that new car you wanted.

You know, and for the record, I was gonna say yes.

Seriously?

I change my vote.

I change my vote.

I vote for the car.

You can't change your vote.

Wait. This is a tie,

-and the tie goes to the runner. - What does that even mean?

So does she want Spanish or French?

You can give her Klingon for all I care. This is just temporary.

So Spanish?

Wow.

Looks like you're a big deal around here.

Yeah, I know.

Slow your roll.

You're sophomore class rep, not King of the North.

Nick, sweetie...

I know this is a difficult situation,

and you could probably use some sort of inspirational speech right now.

So...

hold onto your dreams and...

reach for the stars...

and seize the day.

Okay.

Bye.

So Jeremy's kind of full of himself.

Totally.

He even keeps a future resume on his phone

to remind him of all the things he needs to accomplish by the time he's 35.

Spoiler alert, he becomes president.

Well, he doesn't seem to like me.

I guess he just doesn't want some sketchy foster kid living in his house.

Hey,

just because you haven't been afforded the same opportunities we have,

doesn't make you sketchy.

Oh, my God, it means so much to hear you say that.

I can really tell you care.

That's my gift.

Well, I wish everyone saw it that way.

Think you could talk to Jeremy for me?

I totally would, honest,

but Jeremy only cares about Jeremy.

Sorry.

Big news, everyone.

This is Nick.

She's come to live with us because...

her parents died in a car crash.

So you're like...

a for real orphan?

Uh... yeah, I guess so.

Wow.

-Nick'll want to join our volunteer squad. -Your what?

We volunteer at soup kitchens, hospitals, old folks' homes.

We're kind of Insta-famous.

Wow. You guys are super woke.

Totally.

Oh, wow, Molly. I just noticed.

You're wearing a top from a major trans-national corporate retailer.

I am?

We're only shopping at Helping the Homeless Thrift Stores now.

You know, #childlabor.

Actually, Helping the Homeless