The Wisdom of the Pretzel (Hochmat HaBeygale)

25.000

Is my nose red?

A little.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I can't manage to say one sentence without crying.

I love you.

What am I supposed to say to her?

For 7 years she's been living in New York,

for 7 years he's been telling me that she's the one for me,

that we'd be the perfect couple.

Why does he want to set me up to fuck his sister?

The chances that something serious would develop between me

and Guy's sister are close to zero.

You're a wuss.

I bet your sister's a wuss too.

But Guya wouldn't give up

and while scraping the crud from his girlfriend's feet,

he managed to trap us both at home.

So I arranged to meet her that weekend, just to get him off my back.

I was looking for loads of stuff at that time.

An apartment,

a job,

but more than anything, I was looking for "the one and only".

But there was a slight problem.

Every girl I didn't know seemed really cool,

but once I got to know her, she didn't seem so cool anymore.

Bye. - Bye.

Do I lose interest because they spread their legs too fast?

It drove my grandpa crazy.

He didn't understand what the problem was.

There are so many girls in the world,

all you need is one.

That's precisely the problem, Grandpa. There are so many.

Only one?

My dad told me that the secret to life is combining things.

So here's my combination.

I'd take the love of life from the girl I met up north,

and plant it in the babe who spread her legs at the gym.

I'd give her the brains of the girl who beat me in chess,

add the adoration of my ex-girlfriend...

I'm crazy about you, you're my hero!

And top it off with the loyalty of that West Bank settler I saw on TV.

I ask for too much, eh?

Meet my friends, so you'll see what it looks like when you stop dreaming.

You already met my best friend, Guya.

After serving in an elite combat unit, he chose a spiritual life,

which means annoying everyone around him with his serenity.

He had a bummer of a relationship, as if he'd been married 20 years,

but a nice job that enabled him to receive emails of pastoral pictures

and forward them onto the next faggot on the list.

You guessed it - Guya was a high-tech project manager.

Here's another clown who's trying to fit into society.

Yos.

A successful lawyer, married to an uptight French woman

who worked at the Tel Aviv Museum.

Like in every bunch, there's always a successful loser.

Yosef!

He was sure everyone had already gone home.

But his boss wasn't the only one who surprised him that day.

I don't care if you jerk off on the Internet,

but when you fuck me, think only about me.

Get it?

He even became a partner at the law office.

And then there's Batzal. He's my consolation.

But he's such a screwed-up loafer,

that his laziness isn't very encouraging.

Of course, he thinks he's a genius filmmaker.

In his last project, he installed a camera behind an elevator mirror,

to explore human behavior where it is most natural,

where no one can see it.

Except for Batzal.

Here's a cute couple.

Even though he enjoyed exploring relationships more than anything,

Batzal himself still had a long way to go.

Batzal-professional loafer

I'm meeting Guya's sister in half an hour.

I'm meeting your sister at 7.

When you're on a blind date, more than wanting to charm your date,

you don't want to disappoint the person who set you up.

So like a good boy, I shaved, put on a white shirt,

and arrived relatively on time.

Where is she?

Excuse me, what time is it?

7:15. - Thanks.

I hope that's not her. I'll mutilate him if that's her.

Would falling in love

with an ugly girl mean I'm mature?

People always kiss passionately at the beginning of a relationship.

A few months later all they do

is try to avoid it.

What's with her?

20 minutes late, she must be a babe.

No way she's a babe, I bet she's a real nerd...

Dikla. - Hi. I'm Golan.

You scared me. - Nice to meet you.

Where to?

Drive to Lilinblum Street.

I'm parked over here.

God, am I lucky or what?

The bar is right here.

No way I'm parking on the sidewalk here,

that's a 360-shekel fine for sure.

So, 7 years in New York?

Yeah, 7 years.

With or without the Twin Towers.

Great city. - The greatest.

C'mon!

Is it hard coming back?

No, it's cool.

Are you vacating this space?

What did you say? It's cool?

What stupid stuff I'm saying.

Shut up, you wuss, and where's the parking space?

God, give me a parking space!

Fuck it.

It's a 360-shekel fine here for sure.

It's OK, the parking inspectors

don't work this late.

What a great song. I love this song.

The best songs always come on once you've parked.

C'mon.

Wisdom of the Pretzel -

C'mon, let's go.

So you live with Guy and Galit?

Galit lives with me and Guy, yeah.

Oh, good, they left their lighter. - Yeah.

Thanks.

How do you get along with her?

Fine. - Really?

Yeah, great. - Yeah? -Yeah.

Do you know her?

Yeah, they visited me in NY

and that pest wouldn't stop picking her feet on my sofa...

I can't believe she did that to you too.

It drives me crazy,

how does he get along with her?

How do you get along with her? - I don't, I can't stand her.

Really? -As you can see, I stick to what I say.

Another drink? - I'll finish this one first.

Every time I visit my grandma,

I pass through the real pathetic unit,

you know, the ones with the catheters,

who sit in their wheelchairs in the hallway, half-dead.

Like this.

I know this may sound sick, but it really perks me up.

It puts things into proportion.

Go out, have fun, because the only thing you have at that age

are the memories of all the crazy stuff you did when you were young.

That reminds me of a crazy story. - What?

One day I went with my ex to visit his grandma.

You know, for the inheritance.

She was in one of those gross old-age homes,

she could hardly see or hear. We walk into the place,

and everything was dead.

I look to the right-death. To the left-death.

Everything was death, death, death.

I felt like I had to get laid right then and there.

So I said to my boyfriend: Ron, sweetie, listen,

you're gonna fuck me like you've never fucked anyone before.

Ron knows how to do the job, or rather knew how to do the job,

and with all that death around, we created life.

What were you saying about your grandpa?

How come guys with big motorcycles are always...

Bald and short. - Short and bald.

They want power, attention.

Everyone wants attention. - Everyone.

Check her out.

I bet she took piano lessons and was a devout Girl Scout,

that's how she got noticed.

See that fatso?

He got laughed at his entire life.

He decided to laugh at himself and developed a sense of humor.

What do you think about that girl coming down the stairs?

All she ever had to do was take her beaver out of the house,

that's all. Take it out for a walk, and everyone wanted her.

No one else in the world has a neck like this.

You smell so good.

It's been a long time.

Hey, hey, what is this? What are you doing?

What are you, my father? - No,

I'm your brother's best friend, you bitch!

Jack Daniels.

Double.

You remember. - Everything.

Can I have one?

Son of a bitch!

Did you miss me?

Check, please.

Thanks.

I'm outta here. Are you coming?

I think I'll stay.

OK, cool, great.

We'll talk.

Bye, it was nice.

Bye. - Bye. - Thanks, I had fun.

That fucking bitch!

And that motherfucker, son of a bitch!

That damn faggot, what kind of sister is that?

Did I say something wrong? Even so, that's no way to act!

She's a professional ho!